Tell me what you think of this introductory paragraph?

Question

To a story...and don't you dare steal it! lol

Once more, The Genesis blazed through the voids of space. It was a magnificent ship, and somehow the recently acquired scars it bore only added to its presence. Other than its greater size, its design did not greatly differ from those of other Imperial starships. It was oblong, and looked rather like an ancient naval battleship, with spires and turrets positioned at random throughout its exterior. It was, despite its mass and powerful bearing, a rather graceful and eloquent ship. The red insignia along its flanks was freshly engraved and shone. The ship’s presence had a chilling effect.

-Just think, when this is published you can tell everyone you knew it in its beginnings. I'm serious.

Answer 1

This is not bad for a first attempt. You do have something to work with here. However, I do agree with the others that there needs to be more showing and less telling.

For example: "The ship's presence had a chilling effect." You are simply telling the reader what they should feel rather than using your words to MAKE them feel it.

Also, you wrote, "somehow the recently acquired scars it bore only added to its presence." You could make this sentence much more attention grabbing (maybe by adding something about the battle in which the ship received said scars). How did the scars add to its presence? Again, you are telling the reader what to think rather than using creative imagery to make them reach a particular conclusion themselves.

Personally, I liked how Faceoff52 reworded some of it: "The Genesis blazed ahead, it's scars borne of battle letting all know the freshly engraved red insignia of the Imperial starship was earned in blood."


The only other thing that stood out was the sentence where you used eloquent to describe the ship. To me, this word doesn't fit. When I think of eloquent, I think of speech.

This critique is not meant to discourage but to encourage. As a writer myself, I know that sometimes criticism can be hard to bear, but I earnestly welcome it because it will help me improve my writing.

You have potential. Keep working at it and good luck!

Also, you might want to check out http://www.absolutewrite.com/ for helpful articles and advice. There is also a forum where you can ask questions and a password protected critique board.

Answer 2

It needs work. Here are some suggestions:

1. Get out of the passive voice by not using "was".
2. Drop the "once more".
3. Get some action. You begin a story on the day something was different or at a time when something changed. All good stories do this.
4. Immediately introduce the main character. If it's the ship, give it human characteristics.
5. Show, don't tell. If the ship is scarred up and chilling, have someone see it and react, or something similar to that so your not feeding the reader what they should be thinking. Let them see it through someone else's eyes.

Answer 3

You open with "once more" leading us to believe this ship has been in some sort of long time service then you write of it's "recently acquired scars" and it's "freshly engraved" insignia. I would put the book down there, you want to spark interest in your subject matter not questions.
I want to be curious, not confused.
Try something like, The Genesis blazed ahead, it's scars borne of battle letting all know the freshly engraved red insignia of the Imperial starships was earned in blood.
Greater size, shape? compared to what. Blazing through voids of space, right space is void, if not it's matter.

Answer 4

When I go to a store to buy a book I will read the first paragraph, and if it doesn't catch my interest I will put it back.

I would put this back. There is no reason to read further. There isn't a character or a conflict that I want to learn more about.

The description is nice, but here are the four things you've told me.

1. there are Imperial starships
2. this is one of them
3. it's been recently scared, yet it's insignia shines
4. it's previously "blazed through the voids of space"
5. the entire book will be a metaphor of the rise and fall of the British/Spanish naval empires

is there anyone that I can feel empathy towards? no
does everyone think these scars are sexy? are they going to thank their tattoo artist for the nice addition? or are they about to retaliate?
who are they, besides being "Imperial"?

Answer 5

It is very nice, but it is not much to go from since it is only the first paragraph of your story. This, however, is a great introductory paragraph. While it does not give a completely clear view on what is going on or what the ship is like, it is a great place to start on expanding into a full story.
Other people may have a different opinion, more professional-like, but you wanted opinions. I gave you my opinion as a fellow author, even though my works are fantasy and will probably never be published.
I wish you luck with your story!

Answer 6

Wow - you got some great answers here. I don't know that I can help but - I agree with mh, dstone and a few others. It is fantastic description, good imagery, great vocab, good flow, but I am also concerned about the passive voice. It seems to work here but it is a danger. Could you sustain it? It is harder for me as well, but stating "what is' now is always more powerful. (passive is more for certain types of poetry lol .. like mine ;-) I do think this could work IF you follow up quickly with some action. Something all good writers know is that if it isn't moving the story along, cut as much as possible even if it is the first paragraph. (could someone tell that to Stephen King?! ;-)

Think of all the "best", classic movies and novels ... what are their great first lines?

Answer 7

It's not at all bad and fairly good. When I say fairly good, I am not being harsh at all, but it's hard to tell much by one paragraph. You have a good vocabulary and you write well and succinctly. I found myself actually picturing the spaceship in my mind. After all, that's what the paragraph is about. It is not a short story. I felt a chill when I pictured the chilling effect of the ship in space. Definetly do not give up.

Answer 8

I thought I was reading romance, not sci fi. Try cutting back on the descriptive text and work on "describing without describing." Its an art only few have achieved.

Answer 9

So..... whats next and when are we going to find out? Keep going and listen to the others with only half an ear, they have all read much worse already published.

Answer 10

It reminds me of Airborn by Kenneth Oppel..........the ship thing.... the thing is, it's an okay paragraph, but will probably never do as an introductory paragraph.