Man at crossroads needs advice?

Question

For the past 9 months i've been going through a rough separation/divorce. I wasn't husband or father of the year, but i don't think i deserved to be crucified, or cheated on. Due to some heavy slandering, the ex has managed to get a restraining order and get me in trouble with my CO (military). Since then i've made up my mind to do my four years and get out; start over fresh. I have a year left. Recently i met this nice woman and we have been hanging out a while. At first she was merely a catharsis, but naturally it went further. She even took me to a concert recently for my birthday. She tells me that she loves me, but i have a problem believing that these days. I often refer to women as "the other side." As if i'm at war. She says that she is not going to try to force my hand on anything, but i sense otherwise. I'm not afraid of commitment; i'm just afraid of someone being able to destroy me and cut me off at the knees. I'll be leaving this place for good in a year. What do i do?

One of the things i was accused of was marital rape which was obviously thrown out. Was I a jerk at times during this fiasco of a marriage? Yes. Was I ever violent toward her? No. There are some things that were true, mainly the name calling. That went both ways. She is just as guilty of things as I was. The only difference is that her transgressions were not brought into the light. Mine were. Recently my ex has tried to get back together with me. She tried to use the "one last sex" tactic. Obviously i can't be that dangerous. I worked my *** off to get where i am in the military. I dreamed of leading marines since i was in high school. Now i have to refigure who i am. The military took her word over mine without even investigating. I'm kind of disillusioned both with the military and with marriage. I like this new lady in my life. But i have a problem reconciling that with the have had.

Answer 1

I think you should just remain friends and possibly be in a commit relationship without marriage when the time comes and you still plan to go then say your goodbyes and leave I don't feel your ready to be in another marriage at this time and so spend sometime on your own until you really know what you want or where you want to be in life first then find someone to spend a life with but for now take care of you!

Answer 2

Here's what you do. And I mean this with all sincerity:

1) Look in the mirror. I'd be hard pressed to believe that your ex did some "heavy slandering" and filed a restraining order against a reasonable, mature guy. Autopsy the relationship with the ex and find out exactly where YOU went wrong, not her.

2) Get therapy and anger management counseling. It sounds to me like you may have had issues trusting women long before this happened. Look into your past - did something happen that made you mistrust women, even in the slightest?

3) Do not go into a relationship with anyone new until you are ready to face what part you held in the collapse of your past relationship. I can't stress this enough. I've made that mistake over and over until I had a few lightbulb moments that didn't paint me in the prettiest pictures. Your therapist can walk you down the path of where you two went wrong. Check out Dr Phil's Relationship Rescue. If you're not 100% ready to give your heart to a woman, don't do it. It'll only end badly - again.

Answer 3

I went through something similar, but managed to come out all right.

As far as your lady friend goes, it sound like a good start, but give it time before you re-enter the marriage waters too seriously. The reason I suggest this is that healing isn't an overnight process -- it takes time to get your affairs back in order, to get back to a place where you know what/how you think without the ex-'s poison in your brain, and a good lady won't want you while you are still somewhat in the realm of "damaged goods" -- sorry but true. Think of it this way: if you'd taken a serious bullet in the leg in combat, you wouldn't want to put too much weight on it before it had healed and you'd done the appropriate physical therapy. In a different way, you took a bullet to the heart-strings if you catch my drift.

Trust takes time to rebuild. Hope takes time to rebuild. Love without trust and hope won't last. Feel free to email me offline (not sure how that works) if I can be of assistance.

Answer 4

Of course you're wary of being hurt again, but as a healthy heterosexual man, a woman's company is something that I'm sure you crave. As far as the woman you are currently involved with, you say that you "sense otherwise" when it comes to whether or not she's going to push you into something you may not be comfortable with yet. Remember that you are the only one that can make decisions for yourself. And as far as you being at war with women, it's only natural for you to feel that way, being as that your ex has done nothing less than wage warfare on you on what seems to be a very personal level. Please, keep in mind, though, that not all females are like that. We are not the enemy as a collective. Right now, if I were you, I would just keep things casual and light with this current woman. Let things go at their own pace, slowing it down if it gets to be too much to handle. You're just coming out of a failed relationship, it wouldn't be fair to her or yourself to go headlong into another one right off the bat. Take some time for yourself, and do give yourself that fresh start. Good luck!

Answer 5

Wow... I'm really sorry to hear that your marriage didn't work the way either of you obviously wanted it to in the beginning.
You may want to think about the choices you made that caused your troubles with your C.O.
It does NOT always take two to tango... I know... but always take a look at yourself first. :o)

My advice to you is to think with both your head and your heart. Make wise choices of YOUR OWN but don't believe that all relationships will be the same.
Take your time with your personal adult relationships for now... Concentrate on your relationship with your child(ren) and yourself.
You've been in a very emotionally stressful situation over the last year and not even had a year thereafter to acclimate to your new life.
You're a single father, whether your child(ren) live with you the majority of the time or not. THAT is the relationship that will be most important for you not only now but for your lifetime... Believe it. Who said that you couldn't be "Father of the Year"? It's never too late to decide to be. :o) It's your choice.

It's also your choice to make your next relationship just what you want it to be. Want everyday to be like the first?.... Make it that way every day. You do your part to make it that way, despite what anyone else chooses to do with their day.

I wish I could tell you that all wemon where sweet and unselfish and supportive and that the next love will always remain faithful to their commitment to you but it's impossible to predict. The only things you can control are you and your own choices, your own reactions, etc. BUT... once she does find you and you her, choose to make it last. Leave those love notes in the cupboard, make that phone call to her once a day from work, have that special perfume delivered to her, listen to her, communicate WITH her in the beginning and 10 years from then and 30 years from then....
She will surely want to reciprocate the affection, respect and attention that she recieves... maybe not every day because no one is that perfect (neither are you) but certainly your life will feel like it and the two of you together will have exactly what you want because you will CHOOSE that. :o)

Peace to you....

Answer 6

Make it very clear to her where your head space is right now. You have just come out of a relationship that has created havoc on your emotions and that you are not looking for long term type commitment. Let her know how important she is to you as a "friend" and that you can not make any promises as to where this relationship will go. If she does really love you than she will understand where you are coming from. I'm there myself right now and personally, before I would not go jumping into a long term relationship this soon. That doesn't mean that what you have couldn't end up long term.. Just be up front and take it one day at a time.

Answer 7

You have only been single again for a short time. You are not certain how you feel with this new woman. I would agree that you need to let yourself heal enough that you will not cringe at at the "L" word. I have the same problem now, so I know.

Also, note the new relationship is a 'rebound' area. She may feel more for you now, you may do same in a few months. Don't look at dateline, live for now.

Answer 8

Give yourself the year you talked about. In the meantime, have fun, live happy...but don't get emotional with this lady. She may be nice, but you need time for you. You need to heal from past hurts and getting connected to someone else, before you heal will just be placing a band-aide on thw wound. It will bleed again baby. Stay strong, where ever you are and come home safe.

Answer 9

we have all been through bad relationships, we have all been lied about, and it is painful to have that happen when we truly loved the other person.theres no guarantee the person we gave out heart to will be fair to us. but since you've been hurt your a little careful now, as u should be. a hurt heart takes time to heal, and before u can trust again u have to work through the unresolved stuff. don't let what what the ex did to u destroy what u could have now with this new girl. just take it slow and easy and trust. plus u need to forgive your ex, not because she hasn't hurt u, not because she deserves forgiveness, but because it will free u. it's all about u and your new girl, not about your ex. the new girl is not your ex, and she's not the enemy, she loves u, give her a chance.

Answer 10

I would wait at least a year before getting involved with anyone. You need time to heal.

And just so you know, not all women use brooms as transportation. Some of us are actually kind of nice. Some time to heal will allow you to see that.