A discussion question only?

Question

This is only for a mature adult discussion. My cousin has been dating this guy for 8 years. They have been living together for 7 1/2 years of the relationship. They are both in their late 30's. Every year during her birthday, Christmas, Valentine's day and so on, she looks forward to getting a ring. Her birthday was in August and she didn't receive a ring. Whenever this happens, she goes into what seems like a depression. I know she wants to get married so does her boyfriend but he keeps finding excuses and playing with her emotions. About a year in a half ago, he took her to a jewerly store to look at and try on rings but I think it was done only because she started talking about moving on her own. Just for a discussion, what do you think about such situations? If you are a man or woman, why wouldn't you marry someone you live with for some time? Would you (man or woman) give an altimatium to the individual who refuses to get married if you wanted marriage?

I must add that they already have a few things establish together such as credit card bills with both names on them.

I must add that they already have a few things establish together such as credit card with both names on them.

Answer 1

Sorry but I wouldn't put up with it at all. If he knows she wants to marry and has even taken her to look at rings to pacify her, then he really can't care too much about her feelings. It is quite cruel if you really think about it, she gets her hopes up every holiday, and it passes by with nothing done about it. It is also a little sad that she has put up with it for so long. I wonder about her self-esteem, seems to me that a person who thought they deserved better than the treatment they were getting would have moved on by now.
As far as giving an ultimatum, I wouldn't do it. I would not like to think that someone is married to me because I told them,"marry me or we are over and I am moving on." I would only want to be married to someone who wanted just as much to be married to me.

Answer 2

Sorry, but I think she is fooling herself. He has absolutely no reason to get married - he got what he wanted as soon as she started living with him. He has everything he wants. I don't blame him, though. Lots of women seem to do this, thinking it's okay - but emotions are tricky things.
I would have been out of the relationship probably after three years or so, if there were no true commitment, which would mean a ring and a date.
Giving an ultimatum is silly - she will only be more disappointed. She is hanging on for the wrong reasons, and losing very "good" years to him.

Answer 3

I wouldn't give an ultimatum either because it will then feel like she is pressuring him into marrying her which can lead to him being unhappy in the marriage. I think I would just tell him that our goals are a little different and I feel I need to move on with someone whose goals are similar to mine. I could imagine it will be difficult because they have been together for a while. Since they have established debt together, I would also get writing that he plan to pay on the card and so will I. I think this guy is leading her on. He probably doesn't want marriage but needs someone there to help him with financial needs, etc.

Answer 4

Ever hear of that saying "Why buy the cow when u can have the milk for free?". U said they were living together for a long time so in a sense they were already living a married life, minus the ring and the piece of paper that binds them as man and wife.

Some people get too comfortable with this idea and decide not to take the relationship to the next level for fear of destroying what they already have.

Answer 5

I'm going to assume that you do know what it means for students to discuss things and that you are talking about discussion sections. Discussion sections are smaller sections of the class in which someone (often a teaching assistant) will do some kind of teaching to supplement what's going on in the lecture section of the class. For instance, if you have 120 students in a history class, you might have 2 TA's with 2 30-person discussion sections each. That's a small enough group to discuss what's going on in the big lecture hall and for students to ask questions they have; it's also a chance for students to explore new ideas that are related to what's happening in the big lecture hall. Students who feel like "numbers" have a chance to get the kind of interaction with an instructor that they used to get in high school.

Answer 6

Every year at holidays and birthdays she looks forward to getting a ring and then doesn't? That's heartbreaking. How much of that is she willing to put up with? After two years of that, I would have given him an ultimatum and stuck to it. Most likely that would lead to them breaking up, but if the relationship is making her as unhappy as it is making her happy, then I think breaking up is for the best. As for why he won't do it, it could be anything from him still waiting to see if something better comes along, to just not believing in marriage. If it is that he just doesn't believe in marriage, she needs to decide if she is or isn't ok with things staying as they are forever. And if she really wants to get married, she needs to move on.

As for the whole - why buy the cow when you're getting the milk for free - thing - I don't believe in that. According to that saying, you need to deny a man sex, living together, or whatever, to make him want to marry you. I want a guy to propose to me because he genuinely wants to marry me - not because he wants sex, and knows that he has to marry me to get it.

Answer 7

thats a tough one because if you give an altamatum how do you know that they really wanna get married and didn't do it just because you "made them". why not just have a long engagement? or an engagement that is understood to be married within a year or two. but then again if she does that then at the end of the year or two he may still say he's not ready yet. and then if she just waits for him to pop the question she could be waiting for another 8-10 years. the only thing she seems to be "engaged" in right now is quite a pickle!

Answer 8

The thing is, you cant force marriage on someone obviously not wanting the same as your cousin. Maybe he is comfortable with the arrangements. If your cousin feels that she is ready to get married and her boyfriend continues to play games,well, I think she has to make a choice even though I'm sure this will be devastating for her, she needs to think of her own life and not allow him to hold her back--he is being very selfish. I hope she does what is right for her.

Answer 9

First of all the word is ULTIMATIUM. And I wouldn't have stayed around waiting for someone who OBVIOUSLY doesn't want to get married. And I sure as hell wouldn't share a credit card or any other finances with another person I wasn't married to because if they skip out and don't pay their share of the bills the one left WILL be chased after by the collection agencies.

Answer 10

I think she should diffidently give him an altimatium. A woman gets tired of playing house after a while especially as long as 8yrs
He needs to get his sh*t together and make up his mind. He can't keep playing with her feelings like that. sooner or later if she doesn't get more she's gonna walk out.