Husband cheated with my best friend for 2 mo. How do I do this now? How do I stop hating him?

Question

We separated and when he asked if we could see other ppl, I said he could if he wanted to. I told him NOT to mess around with my best friend, they were friends too, so I was kinda paranoid. I asked him over and over if they were f***ing around and he said no. My "friend" finally told me they had been seeing each other for 2 months. I lost her, and now my husband and I are living together again, and it is killing me. He acts like nothing happened, he says he wants to "fix" things, but he goes around like its already fixed. I have to force myself to kiss him, force myself to let him hug me. I constantly bite my tounge to keep from saying all the bad things I feel towards him. I hate this, and he knows it, I told him how hard it is and how I hate him sometimes. We have been together 8 yrs, married 5. He never lied to me before, I know that's what everyone says about their guys, but it was true with him, he really was different. He has horrible social/communication skills, always has.

Just to clarify; I am pregnant with my first. I told him he couldnt see my best friend because that would kill me, I would die, I would loose her, and I would loose him, and I would loose my trust in everything. She was my best friend for about 15 years. I realize she is at fault as much as he is, but I dont have to sleep next to her now do I? When he asked if we could see other people, I said I didnt want to, that wasnt why I wanted time apart from him, we were having a rough time already. I really kinda thought he wouldnt see anyone if he so badly wanted to work things out. I think that I had all the right in the world to ask my husband not to sleep with my best friend. The sex didnt hurt as much as finding out that they actually stayed the night together several times while I slept alone in a strange bed at my boss's house. And, he never would have had to ask me not to sleep with his friend, or brother, I know that's wrong, even if we were divorced it would be wrong. WTF?

Answer 1

He made the bed, let him lay in it. You have the right to feel hurt, betrayed and angry. He should'nt suffer a life sentence, but he was the bad guy. He needs to earn your trust again. He needs to do whatever he needs to do to restablish himself with you. Be honest also, if you don't want a hug or kiss then don't. You need to work through this and he needs to understand it's important to you and work with you. To him it's over and no longer a concern.
Indifference can be frustrating. Consider this, she's gone and not giving it a thought, he apparently does'nt care, so why do you give them so much emotional power over you. The hating hurts only you. Don't hurt yourself. Be assertive with your husband and let him know you need to work through this and he needs to participate in the process. Counseling is also an option, just stop punishing yourself for the actions of others.

Answer 2

C some of u woman can learn from this. Watch what you say, cause when upset some of u can say so really cruel ****. Men have feelings too. U did give him permission to c other people. What do u think C other people mean? U were separated so therefore u 2 r not sleeping together. So what u think C other people mean now? Come on u knew something wasn't right between your gf & husband or u wouldn't have made that commit. So if u love him give it a try. But if u really hate him , and not just talking ****. Then u separated c how that feel. If u enjoy u know your answer. I'm sorry if I came off a lil strong I truly understand . My wife & separated on her terms. She wouldn't sleep with me during that time . I meet someone we had sex a couple of times over 6 months. Of course I lost my wife, because I was stupid and horney. So just think about it.
Peace

Answer 3

Is he aware of how much you're hurting? Do you know how much he is? Do you want to remain married to him, and if you do, do you want to remain happily married? If you can can answer "Yes" to 2 of these questions, you're on your way to healing. He can't "fix" a situation that the two of you equally created. You gave permission (1st no-no), and he took you up on it (2nd no-no).

Let him know that you appreciate him wanting to "fix" things, and let him know the ONE (this will be like eating an elephant, be patient and take 1 bite at a time) thing that is the biggest issue RIGHT NOW and tell him that you want to work on healing and resolving the issue. This is something both of you must commit to do together.

Your feelings will change from day to day, and knowing what those feelings are, and understanding that this too shall pass will get you through.

When you talk about these issues, hold hands, because for a guy, he will read the physical closeness as you still want/need him, and you are not pushing him away.

I hope this helps, and will get you on your way to healing yourself and your marriage.

Good luck!

Answer 4

My husband, now my ex was found in our bath room on new- years. it did something to me. I could not get back the trusts I was the same way could not kiss him when we went to bed at night I could not bring my self to lay close to him. I can't tell you what to do but I can tell you that I stay in the marriage a long time after an it just got worst. When you lose that trusts you dont have much after that. Some people can forgive something like that. Me well I have to have that trusts If you do anything to make me lose that then I want hang around life is to short to wonder he is still thinking about her. An you know he is going to tell you he's not. good luck. one more thing I found him with his brother wife.

Answer 5

The separation period should have been used to examine the relationship and work on the problems you both were having, not to date other people. Once he's not only been interested in seeing other people but has slept with your "best" friend (who needs enemies with friends like that?), I can't imagine what could possibly be left to work on. You don't mention if you have kids or not - if the answer is no, cut and run. If you do, try counseling, it actually can help sometimes.

Answer 6

First of all have you truly grieved over this? Have you gotten alone and just let the tears flow. When it happened to me I had such a pain in my chest, I would cry one minute and want to claw his eyes out the next, then I would blame myself the next. It was so awful. I had been married 20 years. I would not want to go through that pain again. I swear emotional pain is worse than physical pain. At least you can get pain med's for physical pain. Emotional pain you have to work out in your psyche.

First of all he needs to know that the trust in him is gone and it is up to him to build that back up. You need to explain to him just how your're feeling and how you are hurt. He needs to know that everything is not the same as it was before. If you both cannot communicate about this, please seek guidance from a marriage counselor. It helped us, as the communication between us had fallen down. Your marriage can be saved and be better. Trust me, you will be able to forgive him but you have to will it in your heart, but that takes time, time, time. I believe you go through processes. Denial, hurt, anger, blame, hurt, caution, communication, acceptance, then you will become a couple again only this time better. Little by little you will start to trust him again, only if he is worthy of your trust and doesn't mess up. Look, I was married 20 years when my husband strayed, and yes, it took time, but now I have been married 37 years to him and soon it will be 38. We are truly happy. Thank God. Hope everything will work out for you.

Answer 7

U know you really don't hate him as a person, U hate what he has done to U~ Been there done that! So I can relate to how U feel. In order to get passed the hatred, U need to forgive him, although U may never forget what he has done to U, and your marriage. Counseling is a good suggestion here. My husband did it to me 15 yrs ago, I forgave him, but I will never forget it. Talk to each other as much as possible, but don't let him have the upper hand, after all he is the one who screwed up and with your best friend to boot! That's LOW!! :( Good Luck kid!! :)

Answer 8

He knew ahead of time that she was the one person he could be with to hurt you the most. And that's who he picked. He's not worth the effort. There are way too many wonderful men out there who will put you first in their mind. No matter what happens, you will never forget his ultimate betrayal. Move on and find a man you WANT to kiss.

Answer 9

You really need to let him go. If he was willing to mess with your best friend and turn around and look you in the eye and lie, then he will do it again. He's dog and he definitely doesn't deserve you. Let him go no matter how much it may hurt. The pain will heal but if you continue to be around him and allow it to remind you of what happened then the pain will fester and grow into something that you really don't want like depression.

Answer 10

well it isn't bad u want to save it. love is always worth saving. you have to trully aske urself can i get over the affiar eventually. u don't have to right away and him acting like it didn't help isn't healthy he need s to openly admit to what he did and admit is was wrong and he knows it hurt u . u can forgive hun but u don't always have to forget. in time u will feel better and it will get easier but i truly recomend counsling. i have one of those men who dont speak either so i feel ur pain there. it will help u to express ur feeling weather writing it out talking to urself in the shower or to a freind. if u need to cry by all means cry keeping emotions bottled up will only make it worse.my marriage has surrived an affair and we are doing strong so i hope for the best hun in whatever path u take