Once a Wolf
“HUNTER RUN!!!RUN AND DON’T LOOK BACK!!!”Fa screamed,” ILL BE RIGHT BEHIND YOU.” Hunter obediently obeyed. He ran as fast as he could but he couldn't hear his fathers footsteps behind him. All he could hear was the footsteps of the humans. Humans hunter thought bitterly why cant they stay out of our life? no one has respect for the wolves anymore.
All of a sudden Hunter heard a vicious growl of his father and than his horrifying cry. Now all he could here was his own heartbeat racing.
2006-11-01 12:45:32 · 8 answers · asked by kkamdog 2 in Arts & Humanities ➔ Books & Authors
“HUNTER RUN!!!RUN AND DON’T LOOK BACK!!!”Fa screamed,” ILL BE RIGHT BEHIND YOU.”
[Get rid of "Hunter, run!" and have it read "Run and don't look back!" Cut off the "I'll be right behind you." This will draw your reader in. They'll think, "Who is this and why are they running?" and they will want to read on.]
Hunter obediently obeyed. He ran as fast as he could but he couldn't hear his fathers footsteps behind him.
[Omit "obediently" from "obediently obeyed." It's incredible redundant. When you obey, you are obedient. Obedient is the adjective of the verb "obey." You could say, " Hesitance makes haste, he thought, so Hunter ran." That will give the reader an indication that your character is reluctant to obey the command because he doens't want to leave his father behind, and at the same time, get to use some consonance. Have the next line read "Running as fast as he could, the sound of his father's fleeting footsteps dissipated with each furious thrust of his legs" or something like that to get the idea that he's extremely distressed, and his father's footsteps are also not heard by him.]
All he could hear was the footsteps of the humans.
[Do something here that will make him pause and hear something again, but differentiate it from the welcome sound of his following father. Maybe something like, "Thud. Thud. Thud. Bang. His throat burning, Hunter stopped dead, ears perked. Humans."
Humans hunter thought bitterly why cant they stay out of our life? no one has respect for the wolves anymore.
[Cut this out.]
All of a sudden Hunter heard a vicious growl of his father and than his horrifying cry. Now all he could here was his own heartbeat racing.
[I would put something in quotes or call a scream bloodcurling. That's a word that surely makes a reader chill. It's just a good way to really resonate an occurrence with a sensation that really gets your readers.]
Those are my suggestions. Hope that helps.
2006-11-01 12:57:48 · answer #1 · answered by Meredith B 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
“HUNTER RUN! RUN AND DON’T LOOK BACK!”Fa screamed.
”I'LL BE RIGHT BEHIND YOU.”
Hunter obeyed. He ran as fast as he could, but he couldn't hear his father's footsteps behind him. All he could hear was the footsteps of the humans.
"Humans..." Hunter thought bitterly. "Why cant they stay out of our life? No one has respect for the wolves anymore."
All of a sudden Hunter heard the vicious growl of his father and then his horrifying cry. Everything was as silent as the grave except for the heart pounding deep within Hunter's own chest.
2006-11-01 13:08:18 · answer #2 · answered by Ashley F 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You mean a passage from a story, right?
Start with punctuation. Follow that with grammar corrections. IE; Hunter heard a vicious growl of his father and than (wrong word) his horrifying cry. Should read; Hunter heard the vicious growl of his father and then, his horrifying cry. Your writing skills are not very good, I'm sorry to say. I'm not sure what you were looking for.
2006-11-01 12:57:31 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Punctuation and spelling! Should be:
I'LL BE RIGHT BEHIND YOU... his father's footsteps... Humans, Hunter thought bitterly; why can't they... No one has respect... growl of his father, and then... Now all he could hear...
Also, needs a bit more meat. Hunter asking why humans can't stay out of wolves' lives is a bit soppy (is Hunter stupid?).
Suggest:
"Humans!" Hunter thought bitterly. "Why are they such blood-thirsty, aggressive animals?"
or something like that - a bit of an ironic twist.
But hey, you got me interested in your story. Good luck with it.
2006-11-01 13:02:21 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Take out "Humans hunter thought bitterly why cant they stay out of our life? no one has respect for the wolves anymore."
When running for your life you are not inclined to deep contemplation.
It does not sound right and takes away from the urgency of the situation and the drama of the next line. Add it later when he has time to reflect. But think about rephrasing it because it sounds more human than wild animal.
The last line is very good.
2006-11-01 12:52:46 · answer #5 · answered by crct2004 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Humans hunter????? try human's hunter thought bitterly; "Whay can't they stay out of our life? Everyone has lost all respect towards the wolves."
Is Hunter the name of some one or something?
it should also be: father, and then
here is spelled hear and there should be a comma after it as well
it should either be heart racing, or heartbeat.
is this all of your story or is there more?
2006-11-01 12:52:37 · answer #6 · answered by Whats your problem? 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Take out the word obediently. You only need one !
I'll
his father's footsteps
father, then his horrifying
all he could hear.
racing heartbeat.
Watch your indentation and paragraphs.
2006-11-01 12:50:43 · answer #7 · answered by Judy Kirk 1 · 0⤊ 1⤋
obediently obeyed? um don't give up your day job.
2006-11-01 19:22:04 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋