Opening paragraphs of a novel - does it create an interest?

Question

It was not so much that we were lost souls, but you might say that we were difficult to find. Each one of us had a meandering tale that wound through Petchaboon Province, a natural paradise and rarely visited outer-province in North Central Thailand. We were joined by our isolation, which was possibly the only thing that we had in common.
This was what Fenwick was telling me while we sat in the cafeteria at the nursing home. He was visiting his Uncle, who we all called the professor and who was far and away the most eccentric of our residents. I am a janitor in the home; I am a listener.
Everyone here has stories to tell, and Fenwick, well, I was still trying to figure him out. There were not too many stories in this particular nursing home in suburban New York that took you as far away as Petchaboon Province.
The journey through his words was forever the road not taken as he might tangent into anything. His stories were a rollercoaster off its tracks, sailing on rainbows and cascading into shrouded mountain mists. They bounded from elephants to an episode of the Twilight Zone from the 1950s: who knew where the story might go? I looked at his head as if I could see into it, but all I could imagine was a pinball machine let loose to carom amongst a Milky Way of stars. I listened intently to what Fenwick was telling me of Petchaboon Province and the Expat Group that he and Harry The Finn had formed.

Answer 1

I wasn't a fan of the first sentence, but I thought the rest of it was woven so well!
While I do think that the story and writing is fantastic, my suggestion will be a grammatical one.
A lot of times, when I want to draw emphasis to a particular element, I don't hide it in a long paragraph. Often, I cheat and bend the rules to create one sentence 'graphs.

For example, to draw out the narrator more, I'd take that sentence "I am a janitor in the home; I am a listener" and make a graph just with that.

That's a new age way of doing things, and I tend to take after a more contemporary style. You don't seem like you necessarily follow that path, which is not a bad thing at all.

I will say this, though:

I think it helps to separate personal elements out of the graph to give some life to a narrator. I think it draws attention to certain aspects of a character that may easily be overlooked when you bombarded with sensory and background story detail.

Just a suggestion. Keep up the good work.

Answer 2

I like your first line, but after that I think you're in too much of a hurry to get to the exposition. Focus on Fenwick and the nursing home, and let Fenwick tell the story.

Answer 3

Personally I enjoyed it. It captured my interest and I'd like to know more of the story, although I'm not sure where it's heading. You've got a lot of colourful metaphors and descriptions in these paragraphs. I like them a lot, but you might want to spread them a bit more thinly, as I think they might start to get annoying after a few pages otherwise. I think it's good though, and I really like your style. Good Luck!

Answer 4

You need more dialog at very beginning from Fenwick. Who were the lost souls and what happened to bond them to each other?

Answer 5

Sorry - This was very difficult to read. To many details that seemed somewhat unorganized.

I think your 2nd paragraph would make a better opener. Try reorganizing and cutting back a little.

Good luck!

Answer 6

Yes it does, but I think also its a bit too little to judge yet. You got a great sense of storytelling, along a tiny bit tiresome tendency to abund in metaphores though.

Just my two cents, good luck.

Answer 7

I'm a fan already! I don't think it needs more dialogue, & I like the set-up; it's kind of old-fashioned-sounding.
But that's just me.

Answer 8

It captured my interest. I want to know more, but you may want to rethink some of the language.

Answer 9

sry you lost me after the 2nd paragraph

Answer 10

maybe :)