when he isn't drinking he is wonderful,very dependable,wonderful provider,very affectionate,caring and sweet..when he is drinking and has had 7 beers or more he starts being an ***..he says the most horrible things to me,and has even cheated on me twice that i know of and has blamed both occassions on being too intoxicated..he has tried quiting,and does well but then gets to thinking because he can quit for several months at a time he has no problem if he can quit when he wants and then he starts drinking a little at a time,,1 or 2 here and there,,then a few more gradually until he is drinking at least a 6 pk every night.and it never fails as soon as it reaches the every night mark he starts getting very short and nasty with me,he doesn't care what he does or says when he is like this...i have left twice but keep coming back...am i stupid for staying and hoping that he will seek real help for his obvious problem?i love him,,,but is my love blind and setting me up for more disapointment
2006-11-01 11:03:35 · 64 answers · asked by whome? 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Yes you are!!! I hope there are no kids in this relationship. Because if there is the are in for a world of problems too.
2006-11-01 11:09:08 · answer #1 · answered by littlemama 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Are you stupid for staying..simple answer is YES! How can being intoxicated be the reason for him cheating, you know exactly what you are doing (it might be fuzzy,disorganized,cloudy) but you still know EXACTLY what you are getting into. Unless he was raped of course, raped by a willing female while he was passed out with an erection. Umm...the chances..slim to none. Anyways, I lived with an alcoholic/gambler for 2 years when I was 18. It was the worst time of my life because when he was drunk he blamed everything on me, spent all my money on drugs and booze and could never be trusted. It look a long time for me to realize that I was better off on my own. I kicked him to the curb, he didn't sober up so that's where he stayed. Hey, I can't say I didn't give him a chance or 50. Move on, it will be hard but you will find it to be the best decision in the end.
Ps. You didn't mention if you had children, if so, does he mistreat them as well? Think about it..
2006-11-01 11:08:49 · answer #2 · answered by Dick Tater 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
What you have described is a binge drinker. He needs to seek help for his drinking problem by going to rehab or an AA meeting. If he thinks he doesn't have a problem and is in denial and refuses to get help, then you need to get out of this relationship. You also need to decide if he does go to get help, are you willing to go forward with your relationship knowing that he has cheated on you and will probably do it again regardless if he is drinking or not.
He is treating you like a door mat and you deserve so much more than this. I believe he also has no respect for you or your relationship. Yes, love is blind and you want to believe that he will change but, they never do. I learned through a similiar experience hoping he would change because I love him. What happened instead was I ended up getting hurt. Do yourself a favor and get out now and never look back. I wish you all the best.
2006-11-01 11:15:55 · answer #3 · answered by cee cee 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
i'm n a similar situation & it's been a year & I have decided 2 let him go. if he can't give up the beer drinking then I have 2 give him up b cuz he's not gonna change as long as he continues. who's important the beer or u is what u have 2 ask yrslf. have u asked him 2 stop? if he can't control his intake then u must move on w/yr life. i know it is easier said then done b cuz again i am faced w/this same situation. but they say alcoholics hurt those they love the most b cuz they r the closes 2 them. he must go 2 couseling & the 12 step program n order 2 quit b cuz it will b hard 4 him 2 do on his own.
my love is blind 2 but i love myself more. i don't like being treated badly, talked 2 any kind of way w/o no consideration.
thank u i needed this discussion i'm tired of trying 2 trick myself n 2 believing it's going 2 get better when I know w/o some 1's help he will continue 2 drink.
2006-11-01 11:12:21 · answer #4 · answered by Ms. San 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
No, you are not stupid, but you do need to sit him down and tell him exactly how you feel without getting mad. If he really cares about you he;ll listen and be able to see that what he is doing is hurting you. Tell him exactly what you are asking here. Let him know that you are considering leaving and that if he will get help that you will stand by his side. If he cares, he'll do what it takes. Ask him if this marriage is important enough to for him to make some sacrifices for it. If not, then you need to remember to not forget about yourself and get back to you. There is a great big world out there. Don't let someone take your any of your life out of you. If you do, before you know it, you have given the best years of your life..years that you will never get back. The fact that he has already cheated means that your relationship needs professional help before it can be healed. If that doesn't happen I say chalk it up and move on. Hard, I know, but doable and better in the long run. Have faith in yourself. I personally do not believe that being intoxicated is an excuse for cheating. If you are that intoxicated, you shouldn't be able to get it up!
2006-11-01 11:12:01 · answer #5 · answered by wizardburg28 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You know. I can say you are stupid but in some areas of all our lives we are all stupid. We often put up with non-sense because we either 1. feel things will change 2. we are too afraid to move on. With that said, you didn't mention if kids are involved. If there are kids, this is definitely not an environment you should have your kids exposed to. Would you rather have your daughter to grow up to only marry a man like her daddy? I'm sure your answer is no. Giving the situation, we often seek relationships that we know. AND with your daughter living in such environment as this one will be the only one she knows, or vice verse if you have a son. Chances are he'll grow up to treat his wife the way daddy treats you. AND if there are no kids involved be thankful and do what you can to remove yourself from this situation.
It very much sounds like you are making excuses for his behavior. There's never any excuse for someone to do this to anyone. You are talking about your life, your safety, and your health. This man could be really drunk one night and end up killing you. He's cheated on you twice already that you know of, what about your health, what about HIV?
Think about it and get moving. Remember, you may love your husband and he may be a very good man when sober. The real person comes out when drunk. Most importantly, you can not get your husband to seek help but himself. He'll have to do it when he's ready. The truth of the matter he may not ever get to that point. I wish you the best!
2006-11-01 12:41:16 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
No , not stupid at all , you love him and dislike the actions when he is drunk . I can't say this for him , but he sounds like he may be an Alcoholic . If he can't stop by him self there is a real good chance . He will not get help though until he looses everything so by staying with him you are really being an enabler .
I drank for most of my life until I finally hit my bottom 5 years ago . I suggest that you look into Al Anon , it is a group of people who love Alcoholics . They
can help teach you how to deal wiyh him and not go crazy . Good Luck and if you have any more "Q"'s I have a 360 page feel free to contact me .
2006-11-01 11:13:16 · answer #7 · answered by Geedebb 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You are not stupid, you are just in an abusive relationship with a man who has serious problems. The effects to your self-esteem and feelings of worthiness will suffer greatly if you do not take action and leave.
I have been there, it took me four times before I could leave and make it stick....but I am sooooooo glad that I did. That was more than ten years ago. My life is so much better now. And my ex? Well, he got worse, messed up his life by messing around with what he thought was a 14 year old girl on the internet and it turned out to be a cop. He is doing time for it.
2006-11-01 12:07:52 · answer #8 · answered by littleflower_57 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I would give him a final chance. Make this very very clear to him. He needs treatment and to realized that maybe he will NEVER be able to drink ANY alcohol again. This is a decision that has to come from himself, but he does need to know that you will leave if he ever drinks again. There a programs available or he could get a prescription for 'Antabuse' - that is a drug that he would take for a while (I'd say a few month, maybe longer) which will make him VERY ill if he consumes any alcohol - obviously you would have to make sure he takes it every day, but if he cares about you he will do it. If he's not willing to do any or all of the above ... time to pack, he's not the one and you're just destroying yourself.
2006-11-01 11:11:03 · answer #9 · answered by Sky 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Both of you are making excuses for his drinking. He's a drunkard and an asshole. Nothing is going to change that. He gets to use booze as his reason for being that way.
You, on the other hand, have accepted this and you allow it. So yes, that does make you stupid. He has a drinking problem, apparently so do you, his! This will never get any better. You are in for a life of hell if you do not take it upon yourself to get away.
Stop making excuses for him.
"He's a wonderful,caring,loving, affectionate, sweet man, WHEN HE'S NOT DRINKING"!
Trouble is, he's always drinking!
YOU HAVE TO LEAVE... THIS TIME, STAY GONE !!!!!
2006-11-01 11:12:54 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
You're not just talking about "any"-guy! You're talking about a "husband". He's your husband because obviously situations were not always as bad between you two and, for the reason that you do love him. Yes , I agree that leaving-him is an option. But, that is not necessarily the thing to do.
Perhaps the very first thing you either want or need to do is to really come to terms with yourself as to just how much you are really willing to tolerate regading the way he treats you & his drinking habit. If the answer is "zero-tolerance" and you're ready to be sincere with yourself on standing -by your conviction ? Then, step # 2 would be to give him his ultimatum(s).... either to love you & treat you with the respects that a wife deserves... or lose you all-together! Because for you to stay in that marriage & to continue accepting the treatment(mis-treatment) sends him the wrong message... and also makes you just as guilty as he. Why ? Well because by staying in a relationship like that you are telling him it's ok to treat you as such.....and thereby you are an enabler !
Wish you luck in your decision-making!
2006-11-01 12:51:02 · answer #11 · answered by anthony J 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋