Do blended families work with two opposite sex 13 yr. olds who do not get along?

Question

The girl is self-centered, bratty and has her dad manipulated completely. My son thinks she's bitchy and annoying, let alone very mean. Right now, the kids see each other 2-4 times a month. My fiance (we've been together 1 and 1/2 years) thinks we need to get a house together A.S.A.P. and I think if it still stinks at this level (2 separate houses) it's only going to get worse cuz she could be belly-aching 24/7 -no place to run, no place to hide! Thoughts?
P.S. I did have a talk with my son about who is boss and that he'd be living my rules at my house, but she seems to rule their roost. She does have a mother who is very competitive and who she is with her every other week when she is not with her dad. The dad thinks he will "lose her" if we are not super sensitive to her. As it is, things revolve around her 90% of the time, because she is "only with her dad 1/2 the time". She is even jealous of what we're doing when she is at her mom's!! My son's dad is deceased.

Golly...you guys are good. Let me add a bit...over the past year, the daughter has barely talked to my son, who sincerely tried to talk to her, as he was hoping for a "sister". I found a note that said she hated him, and still to this day she says "Hi" then runs to her room and hides on the computer to avoid him (us?) when we're there. When she's with her friends, they all snub him, although her dad is making them be civil upon meeting so after all this time, everyone HAS to say "Hi" politely...then they can go their own ways...so I'm not defending him and he is not the boss, I am in our house, and my son is clear that I want to make a family with this man. I do think that the girl (who is in and out and around half the time) feels like she is on the outside, which she is, but I doing EVERYTHING I can to include her. (Even had a little Halloween party at our house and she had 4 friends). My son says I'm nicer to HER when we're together! It's just that the dad is so on her side...

Answer 1

Ouch. Not a good look. Having been the stepdaughter, and now a mother separated from the father I didn't marry (we were way too young to begin with), I understand some things about blending families, and also fear of losing the child to a domineering ex-partner.
He cannot respect you if he cannot respect himself. If he does not straighten things out with the two other women in his life, they will continue to make your life unbearable.
And then there will be a third woman who does not respect him. Is all the trouble worth that potential ending?

Answer 2

Oh, so much hate and drama.
You adults should wait another 5 years before getting married- this is insanity. You don't like his child, you have nothing good to say about her mother, the daddy is manipulated-- why are you even in this relationship?????

Putting 2 unrelated hormonal teenagers together under 1 roof is asking for more trouble, and giving the boy "authority" and calling him the boss is absurdly manipulative on your part.

PS You've called your boyfriend's child "self-centered, bratty, manipulative, bitchy, annoying, and very mean"-- maybe she's just reacting to having her family destroyed, her daddy gone, and some jealous woman (you) and boy (your son) living with HER father while she's being shuffled between 2 houses.
I feel so sad for what adults do to their kids- and then the complain about the consquences.

Answer 3

DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT make any plans to share a household UNTIL you, your fiance', and both kids go to family counseling. Your intuition that the problems will only worsen is correct. Keep separate households until the issues have been addressed with the help of an unbiased third party. These problems are NOT going to go away by themselves, and anyone who tells you to just "go along" with the move-in-together idea has never been in this situation themselves. Trust your gut here, lady! If your fiance' is truly willing to make your relationship work, despite these obstacles, he won't have any objection to the counseling, in fact, he should be more than anxious to cooperate in finding the way to family peace. I would seriously question his commitment if he gives you any grief on this. Good luck. You're in a potentially explosive situation, and I hope you hold your ground. The happiness of at least 4 people depends on it.

Answer 4

I wouldn't talk of my man's child like that. You are suppose to be the adult. Your son I'm sure isn't perfect. You should be ASHAMED of yourself. She's 13. Think back, you were 13 once.

They don't get along because they like each other and don't have the courage to say so yet. I would keep a close eye on them and I wouldn't let them go anywhere alone together. You will be having another join the family.

Answer 5

The big question is, are you going to be able to control her, or are you going to let her win to please your man?

If you think you can lead the whole family (sounds like pops can't), you can give it a go. I came from a brady-bunch situation, and there were problems but it worked out well in the long run--most of the time I don't say 'step' when I say 'brother' or 'sister' unless I'm trying to explain the lineage to someone.

Answer 6

Nope, don't do it. Wait until the kids are grown. You're asking for trouble you can't even imagine. Yes, your happiness will have to wait. Sacrifice for the kids - you had them. Date & enjoy your boyfriend, but the wedding will have to wait. It's obvious you don't like the girl and you've influenced your kids. Shame on you. If all else fails, get counseling by a professional. (ALL of you!)

Answer 7

kids are most important...you should solve the prob b4 moving in..

Answer 8

Ever see cruel intentions?
They'll be getting along before you know it! ;)