Over the time we have been married I have slowly eroded her trust and she feel resentment towards me. She has decided to end and leave but says she still loves me and maybe we can resolve it. It has taken something this bad to show me how much of a bad husband Ive been. Ive started down the path of change. Ive re written my values and placed them on the wall to see every morning. She can see i am really making an effort but she is worried that its too little too late. Im crying every morning and feel quite alone. I realise that I've never really opened up to my wife or let her in, but now Im willing to she doesnt want to listen. I need help her, Im a broken man who wants the love of his life back. Is it too late for me? Im trying to help her financially, she cant afford to move or child support, to me and her previous husband. But all my efforts are falling on deaf ears. I dont want to give up on something that should and can be great. How can I make her see?
2006-11-01 08:48:01 · 28 answers · asked by changedmanwanting 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
If she has told you she still loves you, then there's hope. The next thing you do is ask her to go with you to marriage counseling. If she's serious about trying to resolve it, she'll go. If she doesn't go, go yourself so you can continue to improve your relationship with her and heal yourself.
A word of caution; if you've been a bad husband as long as you say you have, she's not going to make it easy for you. Like you said, she feels resentment toward you. She probably hasn't had adequate time or opportunity to express to you just how hurt and angry she is. You may have a problem that has nothing to do with how you treated her in the past, and she may still throw your past behaviour in your face. Once trust has been betrayed, the relationship is never the same.
The best you can do is lay it on the line with her; tell her you can't begin to understand or appreciate what you've put her through. Tell her you know you may never regain her trust. Tell her what you've said here: you're a broken man who wants the love of his life back. You want to mend, then improve your relationship with her help. Ask her to go to marriage counseling; if she agrees, then get with a counselor, make an appointment and GO.
For what it's worth, I commend you for admitting your mistakes and wanting to heal your relationship with your wife. There are no guarantees that it will work out, but you're willing to fight for her when it would be too easy to give up, and I really respect that.
Good luck to you.
2006-11-01 09:03:03 · answer #1 · answered by Le_Roche 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Just as the problem didn't happen overnight, neither will the change. Your wife's hurt is going to take time to heal...a lot of time. She can't be rushed back into trust. However, the fact that she has also been married before shows that she has her own healing to do aside from the situation at hand. Counseling may be good in order for her to be able to enter a relationship (with you or someone else) that is healthy. On the same note, I would advise counseling for you as well...not couples counseling, but counseling for you. This may help you lock in the tools to continue in your life change, even if you don't win your wife's heart back. It will give you the strength to continue doing this for you. Ultimately whatever change you have needs to be for YOU. While I understand the sentiment of trying to win your wife back, trying to change for another person tends to be only temporary. Lasting change happens when you realize that regardless of that other person, this change is good for *you*.
I wouldn't give up hope...by the way you say your wife is reacting to things (she says she still loves you and that maybe it can be resolved), it shows that she hasn't given up on this marriage either, though she is hesitant because of what was experienced in the marriage. Reconciliation may still be an option, but one that cannot be forced. And even if there isn't reconciliation, the changes you're making in your life will still make you a better person. If you two do reconcile, I would strongly encourage couples counseling so you can learn the tools to be able to better handle varying situations and conflicts...and to learn to grow as a couple instead of two separate people.
Best of luck!
2006-11-01 09:00:22 · answer #2 · answered by Mary K 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You need to say less and do more
When you get to the stage that your wife is at words don;t mean that much anymore as she's heard all the bs before and doesn't believe it
Show her you mean what you say through consistently acting on what you feel not saying it.
Also - try writing her letters - they will stay with her and she is more likely to read and re-read them and maybe that will help things sink in - it will also be something different to what she has had from you before and may stand out in her mind as a change
BUT
Be sure that whatever promises you make and whatever actions you take that they are there for good
Trust CAN be regained SLOWLY - BUT and it's a big but it can disappear at the snap of a finger - be real about what you want to and can give her in terms of physical and emotional support - be true to her and to you
I pray things work out for you
2006-11-01 09:32:18 · answer #3 · answered by misscynic 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
As I can see from your your question you are sincerely hurting sorry to here that. I do believe your wife may just need some time to resolve some issues she may have with you or anything in her life. Actions speak volumes do something that you would never have done when you were together get her a card some flowers, a nice piece of jewellery write a letter to her. Women are extremely sensitive trust me I just had my 7th Anniversary
all you can do is to show her that you have changed and that your not going to revert back to your old ways. Most women when they marry believe they are marrying their best friend
and that both of you should be able to discuss anything with each other. Now it sounds that you may have been closed off to this openess you must show her that you want to open up to her let her in to your thoughts and hers into yours this means that you should start talking about your feelings for her now you said child support so she must have a child show that you want to love the child as much as her a kid to a women is her comfort zone if she sees that you want to bond with the kid/kids then she will be more open to the aspect that you want to work as much as possible with her. Also I know this may hurt for you since you are already trying to change yourself but mention to her that you would go through counselling as a couple if she thinks that would help women just want a man they can confide in and can trust now I do not know how the trust was lost since you did not mention it but if it was due to cheating then you may have a long upward battle. Anyways I hope some of this helps and that you can win back the heart of your lady it sounds like you are truly heartbroken now you said she doesn't want to talk thats where the card and flowers come into work get a nice bouquet of flowers maybe apologetic card and stuff a nice sappy but truthful
letter within women can't refuse a letter they need to read it just to see what it says. God Bless and Best of Luck remember actions speak louder then words.
2006-11-01 09:05:11 · answer #4 · answered by Livinrawguy 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
First of all it will take some time for her trust that you really have changed. If in fact you really have. You had mentioned that she has already had a failed marriage. That is also going to play apart in this. Because right now she probably is blaming herself. She is probably asking herself what did she do or what could she have changed to make you not have acted that way. If you can come to her and be totally sincere and take the responsibility for your actions of being emotionally scaring then maybe the healing process will start but you have to be sincere. My husband is currently emotionally abusing me so I do know how she feels. Good luck! I just hope my husband realizes his mistakes before it is too late.
2006-11-01 09:06:24 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Have you ever heard the story about the boy who cried wolf? I have a feeling that your wife (ex) just stopped believing in you. If you break someones trust too many times, they will just give up on trusting you. Sounds like you really want her back, but can you forgive her for being so skeptical? You gave her no choice. I am sorry, but I have to say, I don't blame her. But if you love her as much as you say you do, don't give up. If there is something you always screwed up when you were together, show her that you can do it right now. BEG FOR FORGIVENESS!
2006-11-01 09:04:52 · answer #6 · answered by mamajess05 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You wont like this right away, but let it sink in and I think you will see that there is something better for you.
You can't undo what you hae done. You have hurt and emotionally abandoned her. She needs to move on. Give her the biggest gift you can. Let her go with your blessing. Do nice things for her that she never knows and let it be the end. If you really do love her, you will let her find love again.
2006-11-01 09:27:54 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I'm very sorry that it took something drastic for you to see that your wife means what she says. About all I can offer you is to give it time and perhaps she will believe that You mean what you say. Good luck, and if she reads these answers I hope you and she will look kindly on mine. I've been where you are and it took a long time to come to grips with who I am and what work I need to do on myself.
2006-11-01 08:52:58 · answer #8 · answered by ron k 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋
I am the wife of a husband that did the same thing. I stayed and I tell you it is a challenge to stay with the man that betrayed you so badly. We fight all the time and I always throw it in his face. This has made him a better person, but I just cannot forget. Forgivr maybe but I will never forget. And the bad part is he still works with the woman he cheated with. I just wonder is your wife the smart one and I am stupid. If you guys work it out you will have to do everything in your power to make it right and treat her like she is the greatest person in the world. If she loves you be patient and she will return. Just let her know how much you love her..
2006-11-01 08:55:43 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
you may have woken up but to late i would say
my heart does ache for you though
because that can be so painful to have your love walk out the door & out of your life & it will take a long time to get over it but you will one day!!
be nice when you see her & only pay child support & nothing else
don't give her money!!! or presents
you can give her flowers sometimes & even at first ask if she will go to a movie with with you but if she says no don't nag her let her be & really you need join a bike club where you can get some exercise to get rid of your stress & why i say bike club its because its cheap & it can be fun because they go on camps & you don't have to be good at it only have to be able to ride a bike
& you may meet someone new
good luck to you & don't be sad because you wont always feel like this
2006-11-01 09:41:57 · answer #10 · answered by ausblue 7 · 0⤊ 1⤋