should i divorce?

Question

We have two beautiful little kids. My wife is a good woman. But she went through two years of being an unbearable nag, controlling, bossy, bad tempered that she now regrets. However, it is too late, I am not in love with her and spend most of every day wondering how to get myself out of the relationship. I don't want to hurt her, but there is no way out of it I think. I don't want to hurt the kids, but if i wait till they are older it will hurt them worse i am afraid. (they are 2 and 6 months). the longer i wait the harder it will be for my wife to meet another man. i feel i shoudl do this soon, but have not done it yet. she knows i've been miserable, but that i am working on it. maybe i should just plan on being unhappy myself to be there for her and the kids, but i think i will go crazy if i do.

Answer 1

Divorce is never a good thing, and is very hard to decide upon. I had gone through the stage of being a pretty ill tempered wife....and I am thankful that my husband was able to hold on until I got out of it. But unfortunately some men (and women) do not have the same feelings for the other half when they have endured so much. You obviously still have some feelings for your wife because you show concern about hurting her feelings and wanting her to have the chance to find someone else. Divorce is never easy on children but to be honest I think it would be easier on them at this young age because they adjust so much better. I divorced my ex-husband when my oldest son was 2 and it didn't faze him.....my parents divorced last year and it still bugs me.
So many people think that it is best for you to stay together for the kids sake, but I think that it is wrong to do. It is not fair for the kids and they could get resentful for it. They are better off living in a happy home with one parent (or remarried) than with two parents who do not want to be together.....kids are more attentive than we think...they pick up on the bad vibes far faster than we adults do half of the time.
One thing you should try before making your choice.....if it is possible...try to take a mini vacation away from everything and see if there is anything there between you two. It may work, it may not but at least you can say that you gave it a try one last time. Good luck to you.

Answer 2

Try marriage counseling and individual counseling. Being as though you have two little ones, maybe your wife was just having a hard time adjusting to the babies and new life. You said she did change (for the good), that says a lot about a person and how important you are to her. It is possible to fall in and out of love with your spouse, so don't give up. Think of the big picture - are you ready to see your kids part time, have another man around them, go through a divorce and possible custody battle? I say give it your all and then think of the worst case scenario. Not sure of your religious preference but maybe going to church together would be a good idea too. And start planning some date time for you two, you fell in love to begin with for a reason, get back to that. Just my two cents. It always sounds easier to quit but the reward for making it work will far surpass anything else you could find in another partner. I wish your family the best.

Answer 3

Two beautiful kids...
...wife is a good woman...
...she now regrets...
I don't want to hurt her...
I don't want to hurt the kids...
...it will be harder for my wife to meet another man...
...have not done it yet...
....I am working on it...
...to be there for her and the kids...

I am sorry dude, but when I see all the stuff above in one paragraph, I have to tell you, you do love your wife, you love your kids, and you do not want to hurt any of them. You need to forget the divorce. So you had a rough time and she had a rough time, according to what you said, she is past that and she regrets it. Why don't you start dating your wife like she is your girlfriend. Quit coming home like you have seen her everyday for the last several years and call her up and ask her if she would like to go out tonight. No sex tonight, try to win her all over again, just like you did in the beginning. Instead of looking for a way out, why not put the energy towards looking for a way to fix what you have. It sounds like what you have is pretty dang good and it just needs some polish and TLC. You sound like a good guy, she is as you said a good woman with beautiful children, fight for that, keep it and make it what it can be. I promise you, what is out there may look better, but you have a rare thing there and probably will not find it again...don't throw it away...

Answer 4

If you are spending your days looking for a way out and you no longer have feelings for her....you have a two choices: marriage counseling or divorce. What i'm getting from you is that it's beyond repair. Don't stick around because you feel guilty. You will regret it. Waiting for the kids to get older will only hurt them more. Trust me, kids are very much aware of tension in the household. They are better off in two happy households than one miserable household.
Perhaps you should discuss your feelings w/ your wife as it seems you are keeping all your feelings bottled up. Based on her response you can move forward. You don't have to make this a messy divorce. Be honest to her, yourself, and the children. You shouldn't have to feel bad for falling out of love w/ someone. It's okay and it happens all the time. Good luck.

Answer 5

Maybe she's going through post partum depression and doesn't realize it. Has she been to a doctor? Hormones could be playing a significant role in her personality and she, in fact, may be hating herself and can't control it. I went through an awful time after my second child. She should at least go for a consultation with someone as a first step. Communicate about this before jumping into divorce. Marriage counseling would be my next choice. As far as the children go, staying in a marriage where the children are subjected to yelling and screaming and fighting all the time is not good for them at any age. They pick up and sense everything. Even when you are upset and tense, and you hold a child, they sense that, especially an infant. They might begin to cry because you're not relaxed. If you do decide to go through with a divorce, please, please, please, make it as amicable as possible whenever the children are around. In my profession, I see too many people coming in for divorces and use the kids against each other. Worst thing ever. They did not choose this. You did. Don't put them in the middle. Try and make the transition of having two homes, rather than one, as smooth as possible and as loving as possible.

Answer 6

Well the way you describe your wife as a good person and the fact that you don't want to hurt makes me think that there is apart of you that wants to stay. Have you tried marriage counseling? Think about your wedding vows... FOR BETTER or FOR WORSE. Try to work things out... but don't wait too long cause no matter what someone is going to get hurt. Either you for being unhappy, Her cause she lost you or the kids if you allow them to get to much older before you leave. Right now they are at an age that it won't effect them TOO much.

Tee

Answer 7

What does it mean to be miserable? Being with someone that you no longer love or want to spend time with. If you stay you will only make your kids miserable also. I grew up in a home where all my parents did was fight. My brother and I hatted it. Don't do that to your kids. Go now while they are still young and can adjust to you and your wife not being together any more. Remember this: Miss right will never come along as long as Miss wrong is by your side.

Answer 8

I have posted a similar question and have come to the fact that for the kids I will do whatever I have to to give them a healthy prosperous life. I feel I am strong enough to take the grief and wait until they are older and can have a better understanding of why I left. I figure when they are in their teens I will make the move to leave. This will give them the opportunity to make their own choice as to whom they want to be with. My situation is a bit different because my kids are 8 and 5 (they know me well and love me dearly). If you leave now your wife will have the edge over you and the kids can easily forget you. I wish you luck my friend and if you ever need to chat (find one of my questions and ask for my email) Good luck man!

Answer 9

I think if you went to counseling as individuals and a couple you could work things out. The key is focusing on what attracted you to her in the first place and made you want her for your wife and mother of your children. You also have to want to do it not for the kids or your wife but yourself. If you divorce, everyone you don't want to hurt will get hurt and it will take them all longer to heal from that than going through the rebuilding process.

Answer 10

If you are unwilling to do counseling I say you need to get out for all your sakes. Staying for the kids doesnt work. Do your part as a father (emotionally, physcally, and financially) and you and your kids will have a great relationship. You deserve to be happy even if not under the same roof as your kids so don't let that bother you. Good luck and I wish more guys would BE HONEST with how they feel instead of trying to fake it or pretend there isn't a problem. I commend you.