What would you do in my position?

Question

My boyfriend never lets me go out, keeps watching me all the time and I'm running out of excuses what to say to people when they invite me to go out in the evening. I'm too embarassed to say that I'm not allowed! There is a party next week which I'd love to go to, organised by my work colleagues but I'm not sure how to get permission from my bf. There is no point in asking him to come with me, because he won't, that's besides not many people like him. Pls help? I'm 27 btw and we've been together for 6 years.

Answer 1

He is a control freak though he must be quite insecure for him to act this way. Presumably you have confronted him with his demons and asked him why he acts the way he does towards you. And I would imagine that you have told him that you are not happy with how things are between you.

You have allowed yourself to be manipulated for 6 years and have done nothing about it, so I presume you were head over heels with your boyfriend. It is so hard to see a person for what they really are when you have an all consuming passion for someone. However, thank goodness you have woken up to the fact that he taking over your life and not allowing you to be yourself.

Just imagine how unhappy you would be if you decided to marry this man. Gradually his possessiveness will turn to violence believe me. Especially if you started a family as he would not be allow you to share your love with anyone else.

You are your own person with a job and independence, so use that you your advantage and start saving some money so that you do not have to be dependant on him. Can you go back to your folks until you get your life sorted out?. I am sure they will welcome you with open arms, until you have sorted your life out.

Please do not leave it until you have reached the point of no return and do not let him use the emotional blackmail bit by telling you he will kill himself if you leave him. Be strong for everyones sake and go now...that's if that is what you want and feel there is no way of salvaging this relationship.

All the best to you my dear. Ax

Answer 2

Sorry but you have a control freak on your hands and it will only get worse as time goes by. He is insecure about himself and is clinging onto you for support. Believe me I would be very surprised if this control does not turn into violence at some stage. Just imagine if you ever married this guy what sort of life would you have, how many friends would you have? Ask yourself is this really the type of life you want. Alright you could have a guy who drank all the time or gambled, but it is about striking a happy balance and as far as I can see it will not happen in this relationship.

You have reached an impasse and you need to make a big decision do you stay or do you go. I would say go!

I know how things are for you. I was in the same position myself many years ago. I married the person who controlled me,though I did not love him. He did the emotional blackmail bit when I said I wanted to call it all of saying that he would kill himself if I left.

I was too weak in those days and went ahead and married him. Living to regret it for many years when eventually I could not take it any longer. Many people ended up getting hurt because I did not break with him sooner rather than later.

Please think carefully about your future my dear and if you have a trusted friend talk to them about it.

Answer 3

I'm really sorry to say darling that you must leave. Now. Before it becomes even worse and you become severely depressed. He is slowly crushing your ego. If he hasn't already. It's sad that some men are so controlling. Little bit of jealousy is nice but you need to be able to have your own life. No one should tell you whether or not you can go out. No one can tell you who to go out with. You need to be an individual and take care of yourself. If you have a love in your life then it's a fabulous bonus. But having a love in your life, controlling your life is no good at all. How are you meant to grow and develop as a person if you can't live out your own life. I am with a fella who always asks me who I am going out with and where. I find it quite sweet that he almost seems jealous of anyone I go out with. I am purely friends with many other guys. However he knows that is the case. That there is nothing else happening but I like to keep my friends too. He asks me every time I come home if so and so tried anything. This is ok though because although it's slightly annoying that I get questioned all the time, there is nothing I have to hide and he has never ever tried to stop me going out and having a good time. You do need to make sure that you also treat your other half the same. I would never stop my fella going out with his mates and trust him completely. I know it will be hard I just hope you can get out and that your friends understand why you didn't go out and are there to help you through. To also help you be strong and rebuild your confidence and not fall into another relationship like that.

Answer 4

The fact that permission is involved is not good. You don't need this man in your life, and you say that not many people like him, go figure. Don't ask for permission to go to a party organised by work, you don't NEED to!

This man sounds scary. You're a grown-up, for goodness sake. I would have a long talk about trust issues, and if he really can't handle you having a life of your own, I'd end it with him.

Answer 5

If your good enough to get out of the house to help make a living and help pay bills, you have every right to come and go as you please.

STOP allowing this man to control you! That is not healthy!!!

IF others don't like this guy, have you looked deep and wonder why you do?? May be you should, if you haven't.

If you really want to go to this party, TELL HIM your going, Your NOT asking him if you can.

Answer 6

Hy little friend-a similar post was made by CHARLIE,in marriage and divorce category-"Help me! i married the wrong man at 19 years old?" (I say similar because of the addition of the physical abuse yet to come to her,IF she doesn't bug out quick.)Given that YOU also are being controlled,i suggest you read that post and act accordingly. A realistic question for ALL you controlled women out there-what on earth possesses you lady's to marry these kinds of guy's in the first place?I mean-these guy's must show at least SOME measure of controllability when you date them surely?They can't ALL be good actors-and not ALL women are dumb-so what gives here?Just curious thats all!!

Answer 7

Don't let him run your life, he shouldn't have this much control over what you do and you are the one who is letting him.

Don't ask him if you can go out, when you do this you are allowing him to control everything you do, just go out, if he doesn't like it then dump him...if you don't nip this in the bud now you are going to end up a recluse and you will loose everything and everyone in your life....I'm surprised he is allowing you to go to work at the minute.

Put yourself first, he is making you miserable, try and think what your life will be like in another 6 years if you are still with him...don't get caught up in dreamland cos it just will not happen.

Answer 8

are you seriously asking for advice? Surely the answer is blatantly obvious is it not?? your boyfriend believes he is a dictator. He thinks he owns you and can tell you what to do. Its 2006 for gods sake, no man owns a woman and can order you around like he is doing. You control your own life and that means every aspect of your life. Your bf sounds like a sad, manipulative, controlling, sad person who clearly has emotional and self esteem issues of his own which he covers up by using and controlling you. Get rid of the loser and start going out to meet some genuine, NORMAL people.

Answer 9

Mmmm,!!, never lets you out, keeps watching you,you need excuses to say to people, me'thinks that you need to get a new boyfriend. Pop down to the local ' New boyfriend ' store, they have the very latest model, caring, loves you above all else, allows you to be a human being, does not make excessive demands,hold on, what am I saying, you need a real man, you know , the one's you keep reading about.The one's that accept you, for you. sounds like he has insecurity issues, he is making them your problem. .......... Remember the bit about the ' New boyfriend store '........ Think about it. Good luck.

Answer 10

either ask him to move out or u move out. no one owns u. he sounds like a right control freak. by the sounds of it be careful in case he turns nasty towards u. strangely enough i went out wiv a girl, i lived wiv her for a while and she always felt she had to ask my permission to do anything. i kept telling her she doesn`t have to ask my permission. she was brought up very strictly. it was sad but it really got in the way of our relationship. we ended up finishing wiv each other but the good thing is she eventually found a really decent guy and she`s really happy now. another thing about ur guy is he sounds very very insecure and his insecurety will be his down fall. i really would think about leaving him it just wont get any better in fact it`ll just keep getting worse. i wish u the best of luck