Why I can not leave my husband even if he lies!?

Question

I appreciate the responses from those of you who READ my WHOLE post.
I understand alot of you say leave if the trust isn't right: Well I have been with this man for 10 years and we have 6 children. Ages 9-2. It is kind of just hard to say "ohh, well you are untrustworthy so I am going to divorce you". This is no easy boyfriend break up matter. I have asked him to go into counseling (so has his mother) but he refuses saying our "relationship" is perfect. I can not make him. Yes, for all of you....we did agree together that he would not look at porno anymore. He said" I would not want you to look at it behind my back and I will not do it either it is wrong". Hey it is great that some of you have "open relationships". HOWEVER not everyone shares your views. I know alot of couples who both agree that somethings are not healthy for marriages like (strip clubs). I do not freak out I just ask. The only reason I go upset last night is because he went behind my back.

Answer 1

maybe you love him........

Answer 2

Women have this idea that they can change a man or that he will change on his own. Most if not all men don't change. I don't just say men either, women can find it hard to change also. You aren't going to make him change, or go to counseling. If he doesn't want to change for you and his kids then he never will. Of course it's perfect for him cause the marriage is to his liking and benefit. You either put with it and make the best out of it for the rest of your life and marriage or get out now while you can still find someone better for you. Or maybe you are better off alone with your kids for now. He pretty much sounds like a selfish guy and you either stay or go. If he is the sole provider and you have no work experience then it's obvious why you are still with him...cause you feel you won't make it on your own. If that's the case then grin and bear it or pull up your boot straps and go out and make a better life for you and your kids. You have six kids, the child support alone will get you through! That threat alone will get him to clean up his act.

Answer 3

You may be having so much trouble with this because in some sick way you actually find this behavior exciting.......
I am not joking with you and I am not trying to put you down.........Me and my X had a very unique "relationship" he did drugs (some, mostly pot), sleep around on me, lied, any and every thing you can think of this man did........Including physical fights upon occasion.....After we divorced (because of the physical fights, mainly) I met and married a very, very nice and charming man who treats me like a princess........BUT that was over 18 years ago and sometimes I still think about my X and in some sick way I still miss the thrill of our sick "relationship". I really can not tell you why........But I am guessing there is some kind of joy you are getting out of his behavior right now or else you would not put up with it?

Answer 4

You have two choices. 1. Leave him. 2. Live with his behavior. That's it. You CANNOT make him change, either he will or he won't. YOU choose to have 6 children with him, now deal with it. I'm not trying to be harsh, but it seems like the only answer you want is, "Stay and he'll change 100% tomorrow." You're a mother, this isn't high school, grow up.

Answer 5

Do not take this the wrong way, but, a lot of the times when something like this happens, you can't leave them because you say "you love him", and even though you might, if it causes you a lot of pain, and you can't trust them, and feel like you can't be with them anymore, than there is nothing there, and really no one can tell you what to do, because it is all up to you.

Answer 6

you see when you stay in a relationship where the spouse lies you are telling him that it okay to be dishonest and that nothing is wrong with it but you have to be able to draw the line somewhere and tell him that he needs to start being honest with you because it jeopardizing the realationship. When he lies it makes it difficult for you to trust him and without trust there is nothing left in the relationship. I understand that you might be concern with how you deal with the matter because of the fact that there is children involved but the fact still remains that you have to be brave and tell him to stop lying to you and the children. Believe it or not when he lies to you he also lies to his children and if you don't stop it now it is not just going to affect you but the children also and they are going to blame you if one day they found out that you have been putting up with there father lying to them and they will hate you. It can also mean that if daddy lies to mommy and she does nothing about it, well it s okay for us to lie to mommy also but please consider that if you are not going to do it for your sake do it for the sake of your chidren because it can ruin their lives forever and lying can lead to so many other things which will only make the situation worst okay take my advice tell him to stop and if he doesn't want to stop go to a family councellor and work out is habit of lying okay girl don't be sared be brave.

Answer 7

Why are you waiting for him to do things with you (such as counseling)? Why can't you go by yourself and take care of yourself? If this relationship is causing you this much unhappines then it's time for YOU to do something about it. Like a previous poster said, you can either stay and deal wtih it, or you can get up and do something about it. Please, take care of yourself, for the sake of the children and most imporatantly, yourself.

Answer 8

Yes, you are right. You have to do what's right for your relationship. Does he lie in other areas too or just in this one? If it's just in this one area, then I would drop it. But if he has a chronic lying problem then he needs serious help. He is not a good role model for the kids either in that case. Good luck.

Answer 9

Well if your going to stay with him then you obviously have to accept the things he is doing. He thinks everything is perfect and doesn't want to get help. He knows he can do what he's doing and get away with it. Why would he change ? I have no idea why you cant leave him because for me, living with lies and distrust, is the most damaging thing to my mind, body and soul.

Answer 10

So then I understand that you've made your choice and you will stay. And that's your choice. Of course he feels your relationship is perfect. He gets to watch porn while you get to have babies. You dont hafta divorce him. But you really should have a life as well. And no matter what he SAYS, his actions speak louder.

Answer 11

I didn't see your original post, but your marriage is causing you pain. Is there any way to find a female therapist who can help you sort this out? I don't know if he has an addiction problem or what, but you need some emotional support, please pursue that angle.