I think only half of people read WHOLE response! I am not asking did I overreact about the dang porno ( cause all i did was ask) I am asking am I overreacting for feeling he might lie about other things. He has lied about going to strip clubs (found the truth) he lied about his ex (found out he wanted to have sex w/ her) he lied about a letter from a co worker. He lies about alot of things until he gets CAUGHT then he tells the truth. he has looked at porno before and I told him if you do not want me to do those things then you shouldn't also. He agreed!!! That is why i was hurt when I found the porno site on the computer and he did tell me he was looking at the women!!!! So please do not respond unless you read the whole page!
2006-11-01 06:08:15 · 53 answers · asked by amberrenae1979@sbcglobal.net 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
My view of it: lying is not OK. Looking at porno - it is up to a couple, whatever they agree upon - is the rule they set for themselves. Apparently, you guys agreed (or was it just you?) that he won't be looking at it. Now he is looking at it and lying about it. He apparently doesn't know how to TALK and re-negotiate the arrangement that doesn't work for him or the promise he cannot keep.
I don't like when my husbant looks at porno. He knows it very well and he doesn't do it in my presence. I know that he didn't agree to stop looking at it, so I don't go after him. But I don't care about too much so I don't make a big fuss about it. I'm not saying this is the right thing to do. I'm just sharing what I do.
2006-11-01 06:15:26 · answer #1 · answered by Snowflake 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I read the whole question, but there was nothing that jumped out at me that would indicate there were more "issues" other than him looking at porn this one time. I figured he might have told you the "white lie" because you came on too strongly, and made a big issue out of nothing. I had no way of knowing he lied repeatedly in the past, that he went to strip clubs and wanted to have sex with an ex. With this new information at hand, I would say (porn aside) - if he has a propensity for lying, then yes, you really don't have a "way" of knowing what else he might be hiding. If you don't have a certain level of trust established in your marriage, then you can easily spend all of your time second-guessing everything your partner does or tells you, no matter how innocent it may actually be.
2006-11-01 06:48:28 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
It seems to me that many of these lies are tiny and normal male lies. Take as a whole it may seem like a whole lot of lies, but really 1/2 of them are regular.
Many men cover up the fact that they watch porn, go to strip clubs, fantasies about their exs or your friends. These are things most men do not share with their lady, no matter how open she is.
I work in adult entertainment and it is all soo innocent and actually healthy. Think of it this way, he can daydream about some lady he will never meet and things he can never do with her. It is much better than he actually finding a lady to act these things out behind your back. Men are much closer to the animal kingdom that women, they can reproduce until the day they die. They have the natural desire to plant their seed as often as possible. If he is doing it in his hand to a website, it is far better than into another woman.
The ex thing is normal. If he told you, he knows that you would always compare yourself to her. Women are always checking their status against other women, especially ones that hold/held a deep place in someone's life.
The biggest concern here should be the coworker. Which may mean he has started to become extra flirty at work. That is a definate bad. So give that man some more porn or maybe even watch it with him. Work is where the majority of adult affairs occur.
2006-11-01 06:36:32 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Well, now...I read your whole page.
I assume the question you are asking is still:
"Husband was looking at pornography should I be concerned?"
My answer is yes, you should be VERY concerned.
Now, I won't go into the pro/con thing about pornography, because I have my own view on it.
But from what you wrote, it is clear HE has several problems that you should be VERY concerned about.
First - what might best describe his situation is "sexual addiction".
It is a real problem with both men and women.
I strongly encourage you to borrow or buy Patrick Carnes' book "Out of the Shadows: Understanding Sexual Addiction".
Secondly, if you want to keep this marriage alive, you BOTH need to see a family councilor and get some help.
Your listing of the lies he's told are major red flag issues in your relationship and need to be addressed.
Thirdly, I would strongly encourage you to get tested for STD's.
Hopefully, your husband has not slept around, but if he has, you could end up with some nasty little virus that could hurt or kill you.
My wife and I have been through a milder version of what you guys are going through. We got our act together and you can, too.
Hang tough, be tough and stay on his back until he gets it together...otherwise, kiss your marriage good-bye.
2006-11-01 06:19:57 · answer #4 · answered by docscholl 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think your husband may need to be watched because he may have some sexual desires that you are not fufilling. But it also sounds like he is a compulsive liar but he just hasn't perfected it yet.My husband does the same thing he lies about little things that makes no since to lie about,and when I catch him he tries to talk his way out of it,and he is argumentative. I on the other hand like porn,and I think I do because my husband doesn't completely fulfill my needs sexually,but I don't cheat on him. My husbands sexual life is dull he likes it the same way all the time,and he never wants to try anything new,and for a person who loves to experiment it is very frustrating. So,ask him what he wants from you,and if it is something that you can't give him then it may be a option to let him go because once this starts happening its only a matter of time before he will start cheating,and AIDS is real......
2006-11-02 01:21:16 · answer #5 · answered by Bone 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I would say that yes you both have issues. I think he is maybe going thru a mid life crisis. Meaning he is wanting other women to find him attractive for some reason. You have the bigger issue which is are you ever honestly going to be able to trust his dumb *** again. If you can forget all of it and leave it in the past and competely forgive him then try and work it out. If you cant then you have some real soul searching to do. And that is a decision that only you can make because it will eat you up inside in the end.
Now far as the porn to me its pretty harmless in that no physical contact and everyone has fantasies but im sure theres boat loads of people that disagree with me but thats just my opinion.
2006-11-01 07:39:53 · answer #6 · answered by freefinally101 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
My husband is a chronic lier. Even when we come to an agreement, he's still lying about the agreement. Anything to get off the hot seat. We are married in paper only because there is no trust. It's not been without ALOT of work. He just can't be honest. It's not just with me. It's with everybody. Everything is "personal" with him. He doesn't ever want any of his friends or his family to ever get beyond a formal meeting. There's always a list of "don't mention this", "don't say that", and if there's a chance that anyone might get along....he's the first to destroy it. Never wants those two ends to meet because we might actually get to the truth. When the truth is out....it's always everybodys elses fault. I'm a snoop, his friend wants in my pants, they don't "understand", you name it....he's used it. Then he's so deeply "offended" by it all and sulks. Quits his job. Runs away for awhile. Just so crushed on how the whole world is against him....it's a nightmare. Mines 52 yrs. old so I doubt it's something he'll "outgrow". I just wish I knew this all before.
2006-11-01 06:56:16 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
no don't sweat it he was embarrassed and feels like that is probably something that should be kept to himself. even though you are in a relationship with someone everyone needs some alone time and to keep things to themselves...as long as they are not hurtful don't worry about it. even though you are a couple doesn't mean you have to share everything, sometimes we all need some stuff that is just for us
yes he is lying and that is bad but maybe it is because he knows you will yell at him or judge him, or just overall get jealous and flip out on him. if you were more understanding and less insecure maybe he wouldn't have to hide the fact that he likes to look at naked girls.
2006-11-01 06:23:21 · answer #8 · answered by Voicekiller 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
My husband and I look at porn all the time because we are part time adult webmasters. You should be concerned that your husband is a pathological liar and he lies about everything. He's sorry that he got caught, he's not sorry what he did. Can you live with this man? The only way is to try marriage counseling to save your marriage. You can't have a marriage based on lies.
2006-11-01 06:14:37 · answer #9 · answered by choosinghappiness 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Apparently he didn't mean it when he agreed. He probably doesn't have a problem with you looking at porn. He said those things to appease you only, so he wouldn't have to hear it. And by the tone of your email here, he hears it alot. I understand his need for escape. Making a big deal of porn, porn isn't like strip clubs, he lies and you bust him so what he has an honesty problem obviously its not that big of a deal to you since you let him get away with it time and time again. Good luck to him.
2006-11-01 06:13:01 · answer #10 · answered by Premo Mom 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋