His family has a long tradition of ignoring problems with the hopes of them just disappearing. We have managed to make it several years now without ever having an uncomfortable discussion mainly because we are very compatible and he is a loving good man, but now we have a baby and frankly there are just things that NEED to be talked about. I feel like it is affecting our relationship, but he absolutely shuts down if I try to talk to him about anything that is controversial to us. What can I do??? I need him to discuss family issues with me!
2006-11-01 03:54:07 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
I think maybe I gave the wrong impression with my original post. My husband is a great spouse and father. If I had the chance to marry him 100 times over I would. This is a fairly small problem in the grand scheme of things, and divorce isn't even in my vocabulary! I'm really looking for solutions people have found to similar problems in their relationships....not drastic measures.
2006-11-01 09:04:32 · update #1
get a lawyer involved...
you will see how fast he changes the family tradition
seriously, you need to keep trying,
sometimes in bed before falling asleep,
or just confront him straight
d
2006-11-01 03:55:11 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
My wife and I have had similar situations where I have "shut down" due to either controversial subjects brought up at what I view as inconvenient times (like bedtime), or her volume is loud and language is caustic. For my own contribution, I tend to have a lot more endurance for discontent and disharmony, but I rationalize that I don't want to add fuel to the fire, and "this too, shall pass." I'm not sure if these are gender specific traits, but it does seem that my wife verbalizes her perceptions about our family and relationship much more than I do. That said, what I want most from my wife at these times is the sound of a loving and understanding voice that recognizes my limitations in the context of all of who I am. In this context, I will be most able to listen to just about anything, as long as I am not being accused of being less than who I believe I am. There are key words for me that immediately make me defensive, and I suspect this may be true for your husband. I'm not trying to put the entire burden of these kinds of discussions on your shoulders, but rather, to give you some insight as to the thinking of a man so as to better frame your discussion with your husband and ensure it's success. Be factual and non-blaming. As soon as your emotions enter into the discussion (I know this is hard not to do) it will be too easy for him to dismiss you. Even if you do not get your main point across, you will have begun a pattern of discussion with him where he will feel safer talking with you. Your goal, after-all, is to improve your communication first (the results of your family issues will have to come later). I know that by now, there is probably an urgency to some of your family issues, (although you did not specify) where you need him to step up. If you hit him over the head with an emotional anvil, you may gain something in the short-term, but lose the long term goal. It would benefit you both greatly to see a family therapist who can help untangle some of these problems with you. Best wishes~
2006-11-01 04:26:56 · answer #2 · answered by Finnegan 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Well, in my marriage, I am the "talker". One way that we have positively and effectively communicated is through email or chat. I'm sure it sounds silly to you just like it does to all the others; but there are just some things that are communicated better when all the voice tones, facial expressions and possible attitude is taken out of the conversation. Once we discuss something, if it gets settled, we go on about our business and change what needs to be changed; if it doesn't get settled right then and there, we still go about our business/day and leave it aside from our one on one interaction (and in time it eventually does get resolved).
It's nice to know that things get settled lovingly and carefully even when we aren't discussing them face to face.
The key is to not push and drill him on talking to you because it only builds a higher wall between the two of you. Everyone is different; figure out what works for the two of you and eventually you will see that wall start to come down.
Good luck and congrats on the new baby!
2006-11-01 04:39:07 · answer #3 · answered by M_M 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
See if he's open to family counseling between the two of you. The root of his problem obviously stems from his upbringing and I can tell you first hand that nothing is going to change his bad communication habits other than a proffessional. He does have to be willing though! Try to convey to him how much this means to you and how your marriage is on the line b/c honest and open communication is the foundation of a healthy marraige. You yourself can't undo the decades of bad communication skills that he has adopted and I seriously doubt that your husband could either even if he really wanted to! A proffessional is the best way to go! Remember, you are entitled to talking with your husband about anything without feeling guilty or intimidated! You guys made a commitment to one another b/c you are partners and you need your partner right now! I hope he is willing and open to change. Good luck with this situation!
2006-11-01 04:01:42 · answer #4 · answered by Melissa 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I'm guessing you have already tried to sit down with him and discuss how you feel about him being so distant. If so, the only thing I can suggest is marital counseling. There may be something wrong where he feels that he can't open up, and I don't think it's just famliy tradition. Go seek marital counseling. Good Luck!
2006-11-01 03:59:14 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
This is a tough situation. It sounds like your husband avoids confrontation like the plague. Try writing him a note explaining all of the issues, and your position on them. Ask him to write a response to the note. It is much easier to hand someone a piece of paper with your thoughts and feelings, than to do it in person.
2006-11-01 04:37:31 · answer #6 · answered by Bill 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You need to tell him in little bits over time in a non confrontational way. Eventually he'll consider your points. I'm like that. In the long run I want to make her happy but I never lose fights even when I'm wrong. We agreed to this before we married.
2006-11-01 04:02:30 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Maybe try to get professional help. If you don't communicate, what will your life be like in 10 years? A rut with your heads buried in the sand. Problems do not just go away.....the will build on each other. One day, one of you will blow up.......Then you need to learn to argue fairly. Please get things out in the open before it is too late.
2006-11-01 04:01:55 · answer #8 · answered by c_my_blueeyes 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
men like that need metaphors, imagery....but even if they get the jist of what you are saying, i doubt you will ever break him. my guy is the same way. we'll talk, he'll make promises and then he'll slip right back into his same old habits. i bought a communications book a while back and it had some good examples for getting your message across and getting them to give you an answer.
2006-11-01 04:13:50 · answer #9 · answered by clevavenus 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
In any relationship you need communication and it sounds like he has none if you want to stay with him that is fine but be prepared to do EVERYTHING yourself. If he can't even talk about uncomfortable situations with his wife how is he supposed to raise children?
2006-11-01 03:57:59 · answer #10 · answered by Rachel Bitchface 5 · 0⤊ 1⤋