How can I make my husband appreciate me and want to spend more time with me?

Question

My husband is in the military. He works 3pm-12am. Really the only time I get to see him is when he wakes up and is getting ready for work, but he sleeps as late as possible and then gets up plays on the computer and then goes to the gym before work. (He doesn't try to spend time with me).
I work at home (home daycare), I want to be a stay at home mom, but he says I "have" to work. This is the only way I get the best of both worlds. I take care of everything around the house.. cooking, cleaning, laundry, finances, etc. All my husband does is work and come home and repeats this everyday.
I feel like I'm getting screwed here. I take care of everything.. I mean everything, and I'm not happy. I tell him I want to be just a stay at home mom, but he wants the extra spending money.
I can't even go anywhere with the kids I babysit, because my car is too small. So basically I'm trapped at the house 5 days a week. I don't have any time to myself b/c we don't have a sitter.

Oh, plus I have a 4 year old son and am 5 months pregnant.

We have been married for 5 years and together for 8.

Even when I worked outside the home I was still expected to maintain the household just the same.

I do belong to a group of friends, but whenever they have get togethers I cannot go, my car will not fit all the kids. And at night when they have mom's night out I cannot go b/c I have no sitter and hubby works nights.

Answer 1

It is not about working or not. It is about you being unhappy and feeling trapped. You need to communicate with him how you are feeling.

If you come across as you do in your question, he will probably clam up. Not to be critical but you sound a little whiney and men hate that. I am not saying that you don't have grounds to be but you can say the same things differently. Don't be accusatory but state how you are feeling, how love you him and want to spend more time with him. Try setting up a date night with him on a regular basis. Do something fun and interesting together. Maybe say that you notice that he doesn't seem so happy these days either and you would like to change that. He may be neglecting you because he feels that he just makes you miserable. He could be behaving this way to avoid the issue and you.

Good luck

Answer 2

We all control only ourselves. He cannot MAKE you work at a home daycare. Let's look at what you can do. You can choose to work outside of your home. It sounds like your money is for "extras" so if you are willing to give those up, it sounds like you could choose not to work at all. You can take a class, or go to college. You can ask him to take over some of the responsibilities you handle such as finances, etc.

You didn't mention what goes on during the weekends. I wonder how you both spend that time. Do you ever talk together? Was it always like this? What changed? When? Is God in your life? Is God in your marriage? What do you do when the kids leave for the day, before your husband gets home? Do you have any friends? Has there been any unfaithfulness? Is there any abuse? Have you considered marriage counseling? Would he go with you?

Individual counseling may help you too. You sound very isolated. Do you have friends? Is your family closeby? If not, email and instant messaging are great ways to stay in touch with people.

I know I have offered more questions than answers. The answer to this one lies within you. As you answer these questions, it will hopefully become more clear. And do, please, pursue counseling. You need a real person to talk with.

I will be praying for you, your husband, and your marriage, because without God and prayer, most marriages can't make it.

Peace be with you.

Answer 3

You might need to give up the "dream" of staying home and not working (or working in the home). I am a military wife and I have a full time job. I get home and am able to talk about my day with my husband - we share in the household and child responsibilities and do everything together since we spend the whole day apart. Also, this will give you a chance to use your money on what YOU want, not for his spending money. Try for a little independence and appreciate yourself. He will appreciate you more when he realizes that your self worth doesn't hinge on him anymore. Good luck!

Answer 4

On your days off you should go out maybe your being too dependant on your spouse and thats bad. Have a life outside of the marriage and dont throw yourself at his every need. On the weekends when your not watching all of these other kids take your kid(s) out just the three of you or plan a play date with another mom and maybe have some alone time. Its important for your happiness for his happiness that you make a good balance between your life and your life with your family. I dont think that you will every be happy until you learn to happy with yourself in having a life with your husband and having your own life. Go out there is a whole world out there.

Answer 5

There's no way to "make" someone appreciate you nor can you make someone want to spent time with you. Your husband seems very self-absorbed. If you have already stated your case to him (without yelling) & he still acts like he does, then you need to seek counseling or a divorce lawyer.

Answer 6

I would find a sitter and make time for myself

Answer 7

well you could go visit your mom for a few weeks and let him handle everything else

Answer 8

let him know how it would be w/out u, tell him if he doesnt quit then ur gonna go and have him do stuff hisself so when u do it he apprechiates

Answer 9

u didnt say how long u had been together
he is doing his best

Answer 10

I would slap him, and make him pull his share.