Help with Step-Children?

Question

My husbands ex wife is running me into the ground. My husband is deployed to Iraq and we have a court order that I am to still get the children. This is ever Sunday from 7 am to 7pm. His ex is allowing me to get more than that. I got them last Friday right after school. The problem is they were really upset with me. She told them she was going to take them to Chukie Cheese but instead they had to come to my house. So they were upset with me like I was forcing them to be here. Then she let me have them tonight for Halloween. They were upset with me because they were supposed to wear their costumes to school and I had them. I tried to explain that I did not know. They said our Nana (whom they live with and their mom) said she tried to call you 2 times. I talked to both her and her mother twice in the last 2 days and they never said anything. I tried to tell the kids this but they took her side and did not believe me. What do I do? I do not want them to be upset with me. They are 6,6,and5

Please understand I love these children as if they were my own. They love me the same. The problem has just started back up. The children do love coming here but she is trying to wave a treat in their face to make them want her and resent me right now. I will not NOT GET THEM! it is not an option they are very much part of my family. I also am not going to try and out do her. We have 5 children and I can not jump through hoops for just 3 of them. We do have fun we do lots of things togeather.

Answer 1

Having a bonus child myself who lived with us (she's grown now), I completely feel your pain and this is a huge game for the ex honey. To make you out to be the bad guy. It makes her feel better. The key is to not let her. I know the children are relatively young, but everytime you call to speak to the ex in regards to visitation, ask to speak to the children too. That way, anything mom promises, you can let them do and pick them up afterwards. That way, mom is breaking the promises she knows she has no intention of keeping and you aren't ruining their plans. Thus making you the good guy.

To site an example, we'll use the costume situation. Little children are going to remember their costume day at school. At that age, it's all they are thinking about. If you would have talked to them, they would have told you that and you could have dropped off the costumes and been the hero. Same thing if you would have called on that Friday night. Sometimes it's better to ask them if they have any plans instead of asking their mom. Women in situations like this can be really caddy and want the children to not like you, so they'll promise things they have no intention of doing and then blame the step parent for not allowing them to follow through. All I'm saying is that don't let her do that to you. Sure it's going to make her mad, but until the children are old enough to see what's really going on, you are going to have to take the high road on this one and actually converse with the kids about any upcoming events that you know they wouldn't want to miss.

If you are feeling that terrible about it, you can always give them their own halloween party. Invite some of your relatives with children, maybe some of their friends. Everyone wears costumes and play games. At the end of the party, tell them that you did it because you felt terrible about not knowing about their halloween party at school and you wanted to make it up to them. Kids that age, love things like that.

And be patient honey, these little ones are going to grow up so fast. You sound like a step mother who truly loves them, if you keep doing what you are doing, they are going to see that. You also have an advantage with them being so young and being able to adapt to having an extra mommy in their lives. It'll be hard, but you can do this...you know you can!

Take care, and I wish you well.

Answer 2

You have an opportunity here to be a positive influence their young lives.

Their mom is clearly not on top of things. What a shame.

You should contact the teachers and tell them that you want to be included in all of the kids' school plans and information. That way you will know what is coming up, when they need treats at school, when they have parties, etc. And you won't be caught short again.

The kids are much too young to be brought in the middle but that is what their mom appears to be doing. You should try to set aside some money for special outings in case the mom pulls that crap again.

Also, make it really fun at your house. Have all of the materials for crafts, cookie baking, stuff to send care-packages to their dad...let them make cards, take pictures and print them out and let them put their hand print on the page somewhere...or put thick lipstick (or black halloween makeup for boys) on their lips and kiss paper so they can send their dad their own kisses.

Buy special little presents for them when they are coming over. Do a scavenger hunt with the wrapped gifts. Dollar store things are fine for kids that age. Or have them do small chores and they can earn $2 each and then go to the store to spend the money.

You can't change that the mom is irresponsible and mean. But you can make the best of it. She won't change and her mother won't either.

Whatever you do, never say anything bad about their mom or nana. Be the bigger person. Do lots of fun things so they don't dread coming over.

Next time they say "mom said she was going to take us______, but we had to come here instead." Be prepared to take them there! That will let the kid know that it's still fun there.

Of course you can't do that every time, but if they view your house as a treat, they will start to feel better.

Kids that age can't "take sides" they just go by what their mom said because, well, because she's their mom!

Remember, by showering these little kids with love, you are in effect, showing your husband with love. Imagine how great he'll feel knowing that you are helping a problem go away instead of being a part of the problem.

P.S. Caring for your husband's children is not "babysitting" as suggested by another profile.

Answer 3

don't take them more than is necessary right now. a confrontation would only cause more harm than good. you could however say in front of the children to the mother that you are sorry u didn't get the calls. there must have been something wrong with the phone because u never heard the phone ring once. however the kids will always take mom's side no matter what so try to keep contact to a minimum till your husband gets back overlook as much as possible. if u feel u must say something to the mom then do it where they cant hear it. she will undoubtedly tell them her own scary version so think twice about doing that. u are in a lose lose situation here so love them as much as possible but don't let them turn u into a sacrificial goat. don't be her babysitter.

Answer 4

I'm a step-mom and a biological mother too. I guess I'm unusual because the more I read, the more I realize that a lot of mother's play these games with their children. I never had time to think of games to play because I was too busy raising my children. These type of women need help and you aren't the one they want it from.

If she is doing this to set you up as the bad guy, all you need to do (it might be hard initially) is to have your husband tell his ex-wife that from now on, she is to only leave the kids in your care on the court ordered days. If she is going to try and turn the kids against you, there is nothing you can do about it. You can't worry about it and worry about keeping one step ahead of this woman. It will drain you emotionally. I'm sure you are already emotionally strained from your husband being deployed and having your own children at home full time.
If you can't say no to her leaving the kids with you and they complain to you, just tell them that you are sure that's what their mommy planned but she changed her mind, and she wants them to stay with you. You don't have to explain to them why you can't take them to x y or z when she dumps them on you. Keep being consistent with them, and they will learn, unfortunately, that their own mother is an evil spiteful woman.

But, to be honest with you, in your situation right now, I would keep the visitation only on court ordered days because they are his children and until/unless she stops this manipulative behavour, you can't deal with it and you shouldn't have to. It doesn't mean you don't love them.

Answer 5

No, it doesn't show favoritism as long as you are doing it for you. I have a daughter that I put up for adoption, one on the way, and a step son. I myself am a step-child twice around as well. I have 1 tattoo of my first daughter's name and birthdate, plan on getting one for my next daughter this April (after I've had her thank you), and no, I don't plan on having my step-son's name and birthdate tattooed on me. He has a mother, and a father. I am just a second mother because his biological mother is still a very strong part of his life. I myself would feel weird if my step-father or step-mother would get a tattoo of my birthday on them. It's because they aren't my parents, and I don't think it is there place. Now if you were to do what my current husband is doing, legally adopting my daughter because her father is a deadbeat, then yes I would say get both, because if I was to legally adopt my step-son then I would go and get a tattoo for him to. No name, or date, but a tattoo just for him so he can say he has a special place too.

Answer 6

i think the best thing you can do is stick to the times you are supposed to have the kids i know this will be hard for you as you seem to love these kids very much.
but by doing this it means they cannot get upset because she is deliberatly telling them they will do something with her and then send them to you. also the children will no when they are coming to you and so wont expect anything else if you get what i mean.

Answer 7

Whether YOU want them to be upset with you or not really doesn't matter, the fact is that they are. Stop trying to arugue with children it only makes YOU look just as childish. I suggest that IF you are having problems taking care of your husband's children more than one day a week you have HIM contact his lawyer to have a specific day of visitation for YOU set up. Unless you do not want them at all, in that case YOU will have to tell your husband this. You married a man who had a family previous to your entering his life. There will ALWAYS be conflicts so you'd best learn how to deal with them now.

Answer 8

After reading the other answers, I misunderstood the scenario. I apologize. After re-reading the question, and looking at the answers, I now understand the situation.

I, too, am a step-mom, and I can relate totally to your problem. In reverse, we had custody of his children. The lame excuse of their mother had left me with the whole package of not only showing them how to love, but also how to be loved. I was told by their grandparents (their mother's parents), how much they appreciate the "mothering" I gave their grandchildren. I would get Mother's Day gifts from them, and in the card would read they appreciate all I do for their grandchildren, and if their daughter would only do the same!
One thing I learned that I could not believe, was that she used to smoke pot right in front of them at a very early age on through. Everything I've shown them, things I used to do with my own girls, I gave equal love and parental guidance to his kids. His younger son has ADHD, and I found it hard to get through to him. After time, he had started giving hugs, and not too long after that, "I love you". His father told me how he's never shown affection like that before, his mother never gave it. The moral to my story here is how things take time, and if you are persistent with showing them your love and good parental practice and values, they will respect you for being true to them, and later on in their lives, they will know deep down in their hearts who it was that was always there for them.

Answer 9

In all honesty darlin you need to let her do what she want's cause as the kid's growup they will know who was the adult and the child when this was going on for now there isn't anything you can do but let it roll.But have heart cause they are not likely to let their mom play them like she does for very long.

Answer 10

Here's the deal.. they are giving her as much trouble as they are to you. You'll "tuck and roll" out of these situations, but as long as you can offer them something that benefits them (let them have their friends over, teach them cooking, etc) you will get the even shake. They are kids and they will test you either way.