Reconnected with ex from 18 years ago and we were both happy about it since we once were in love/talked marriage. A few talks later I was shocked to realize I never got over him; we now are both married w/kids. I told him how I felt-I was willing to try an affair (I know its horrible, please try not to judge) and he was not. We saw each other, discussed for closure purposes, and while I told him I can't see him in person we both agreed to stay in touch via email/phone; he specifically asked me to call/write. I emailed him basic/friendly/innocent week later have not heard back. I assume he is trying to cool things off - he made a point of saying that we don't know each other any more, but if we were both single we would pursue and I was his first love. He said he knows the ball is in his court. I think he still has feelings but commited to his wife, rightly so. Please no judgements, I can't feel worse about myself than I already do. How do I get over a love I have had for so long?
2006-10-31 15:06:49 · 6 answers · asked by I'm Trying 3 in Social Science ➔ Psychology
Deegor - I am sad bacause I am married to someone else perfectly that I am not in love with, and it hurt because my first love does not have the same feelings for me. I need to stop loving him or I will continue to feel this sadness. Maybe the question should be how do I stop feeling so sad?
2006-10-31 15:19:41 · update #1
For those of you wondering why we broke up -- I broke up with him because we were both only 19 and it seemed crazy to be tied down at such a young age...and I was in college and he was not...my parents did not want me going out with him...so no big fight, just me trying to be rational -- and now I'm sorry. I am taking the high road (because he is the adult) but I am in pain and want to move on.
2006-10-31 15:24:44 · update #2
I don't think you ever STOP loving your first love. Most people just don't go so far as getting reconnected and trying to relive their youth. Obviously you picked a very noble and honorable man to fall in love with because of the fact he is now choosing to stand behind his marriage vows and stay with his wife even though he was offered the opportunity to be with you again. I feel that he "specifically asked you to call/write" to be nice. He was trying to let you down gently. He went about it the wrong way and that left you hanging. The bottom line is, you are both married to other people. You have established new lives outside of each other. Try to stop and think of all the other people in both of your lives that you will be hurting (devastated) if you continue to pursue this man. What you feel may be very real but allowing yourself to act upon those feelings at this point in your life is very selfish. It's natural to be sad. You obviously suppressed those feelings of love for him so long ago and now that they've made a comeback you have to allow yourself to grieve now since you didn't do it back then. It's a natural part of a break-up and a step it seems you didn't take.
Allow this man to do the honorable thing he is so desperately trying to do, to honor his commitment to his wife. Don't try to "get over the love." Remember it. Cherish it. Mourn the loss of it and then get on with your REAL life. Not the fantasy one in your mind. I'm sure your family would like to have you back.
2006-10-31 16:20:32 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
I think in this situation it is easy to think of him in only ideal terms. He was/is the ideal. He actually does sound somewhat ideal because he is committed to his wife and that is admirable. I think you have good taste in men. You chose him, and your current mate is also a great guy. Don't let your current great guy slip away because you have a romanticized notion of the ideal man. Remember your first love has faults as well. Take the energy you are feeling from this reconnection and put it into your current relationship. If you are truly meant to be with your first love then in time that will happen. In the meantime, be someone he could/would trust in the future and remain plutonic. Happiness does not truly grace people who bring unhappiness to others. I'm betting on your future with you.
2006-10-31 18:13:15 · answer #2 · answered by angelicsanto 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Remember why you broke up those 18 years ago. Did he hurt your feelings, go out with someone else, or cause anger or exhibit anger you did not want to have in your life? Think very hard. He is doing the honorable thing and you should also take the hint and take the high road for yourself. This is a mess to take on, and I strongly advise that you look out for yourself more than you are noting here. Get yourself involved in church, take a class, do whatever it takes to reward yourself for not messing up a family's life, including your own.
2006-10-31 15:21:06 · answer #3 · answered by desertflower 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You should not try to stop loving him. That is beyond your control. Instead love your self and the choices you made in your life. Your love is not meant for one individual.
2006-10-31 15:13:47 · answer #4 · answered by Deegoor 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
I don't really think there is a remdedy for that besides seperation and controlling your mind by not thinking about him.
2006-10-31 15:14:53 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Allow yourself to put it behind you.
2006-10-31 15:14:32 · answer #6 · answered by catzrme 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋