not my greatest, but i still like it.
DEAD MAN'S THOUGHTS
Hot lead eats into my flesh,
Making an exit for my blood to gush forth.
My knees buckle.
I feel weak.
I collapse on the cold, unyielding floor,
A stark contrast to the hot bullet in my body.
I feel the bone chilling cold seep into my veins,
Creeping through my body.
I laugh, reflecting on how my death ironically fits my life.
Tragic, pointless, and without meaning.
2006-10-31
12:22:12
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10 answers
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asked by
Anonymous
in
Education & Reference
➔ Words & Wordplay
I think you're trying to do a lot in a very short poem.
What I think you should do is to take some of the more powerful words from this poem and try to develop them.
Like, what if I say, "flesh"? Now write a poem about that, and don't deviate from the idea of "flesh".
Or "bullet'. Or "body". Or "creep".
It works different ways for everybody, but I find that poems that adhere to a narrative are better off as stories. And your poem has a narrative to it. IMO.
2006-10-31 12:38:03
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answer #1
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answered by Anonymous
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Your poem contains very vivid imagery. You could include some metaphors to make it sound more poetic though. A metaphor is a comparison using the words like or as.
2006-10-31 16:06:57
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answer #2
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answered by Robert G. 4
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You are quite the poet, and quite the pessimist, as well.
The poem is powerful, but I can't bear to relate to it.
Such poems, such despair, to me, is...
tragic, pointless, and without meaning, I care to know.
Turn your talents around and read something with promise,
and then write something showing how you bare you soul
on the net and lift others up.
2006-10-31 12:30:48
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answer #3
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answered by dj_of_raleigh 2
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You gotta write poems which catch the reader's attention from the first word. I'm too tired right now to read your whole poem.
2006-10-31 14:06:52
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answer #4
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answered by Maus 7
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I agree with WYNELL G.. Sorry but, I also kinda thought that it's too violent, bloody and suicidal. It's CREEPING me out!
2006-10-31 16:17:41
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answer #5
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answered by Ä l ɐ ҳ ä 3
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With such talent, I hope you also write about more cheerful things.
2006-10-31 15:41:36
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answer #6
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answered by Anonymous
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hmmmmmmm.. u have some good lines, but taken together, it just doesn't work well.
2006-10-31 12:41:46
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answer #7
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answered by squee69@verizon.net 1
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sounds kind of creepy and suicidal to me just my opinion though
2006-10-31 12:27:19
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answer #8
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answered by WYNELL G 2
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I think you are trying to look deep and artsy to get laid.
2006-10-31 12:24:55
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answer #9
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answered by Anonymous
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That's my kind of poem... I like it... don't listen to all the haters....
2006-10-31 12:58:52
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answer #10
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answered by Maggz 4
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