not my greatest, but i still like it.
DEAD MAN'S THOUGHTS
Hot lead eats into my flesh,
Making an exit for my blood to gush forth.
My knees buckle.
I feel weak.
I collapse on the cold, unyielding floor,
A stark contrast to the hot bullet in my body.
I feel the bone chilling cold seep into my veins,
Creeping through my body.
I laugh, reflecting on how my death ironically fits my life.
Tragic, pointless, and without meaning.
2006-10-31 12:22:12 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous in Education & Reference ➔ Words & Wordplay
I think you're trying to do a lot in a very short poem.
What I think you should do is to take some of the more powerful words from this poem and try to develop them.
Like, what if I say, "flesh"? Now write a poem about that, and don't deviate from the idea of "flesh".
Or "bullet'. Or "body". Or "creep".
It works different ways for everybody, but I find that poems that adhere to a narrative are better off as stories. And your poem has a narrative to it. IMO.
2006-10-31 12:38:03 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 3⤊ 0⤋
Your poem contains very vivid imagery. You could include some metaphors to make it sound more poetic though. A metaphor is a comparison using the words like or as.
2006-10-31 16:06:57 · answer #2 · answered by Robert G. 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You are quite the poet, and quite the pessimist, as well.
The poem is powerful, but I can't bear to relate to it.
Such poems, such despair, to me, is...
tragic, pointless, and without meaning, I care to know.
Turn your talents around and read something with promise,
and then write something showing how you bare you soul
on the net and lift others up.
2006-10-31 12:30:48 · answer #3 · answered by dj_of_raleigh 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You gotta write poems which catch the reader's attention from the first word. I'm too tired right now to read your whole poem.
2006-10-31 14:06:52 · answer #4 · answered by Maus 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋
I agree with WYNELL G.. Sorry but, I also kinda thought that it's too violent, bloody and suicidal. It's CREEPING me out!
2006-10-31 16:17:41 · answer #5 · answered by Ä l ɐ ҳ ä 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
With such talent, I hope you also write about more cheerful things.
2006-10-31 15:41:36 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 1⤋
hmmmmmmm.. u have some good lines, but taken together, it just doesn't work well.
2006-10-31 12:41:46 · answer #7 · answered by squee69@verizon.net 1 · 2⤊ 0⤋
sounds kind of creepy and suicidal to me just my opinion though
2006-10-31 12:27:19 · answer #8 · answered by WYNELL G 2 · 4⤊ 1⤋
I think you are trying to look deep and artsy to get laid.
2006-10-31 12:24:55 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 3⤊ 1⤋
That's my kind of poem... I like it... don't listen to all the haters....
2006-10-31 12:58:52 · answer #10 · answered by Maggz 4 · 1⤊ 2⤋