To the battered women out there: Why makes you stick to your man inspite of all the abuse?

Question

Is it because:

1. You are financially dependant on him?

2. The children?

3. You have no where else to go?

4. You are held against your will?

5. You stick it out in the (false) hope that he will change one day?

6. All or combination of the above?

7. Any other reason? please state.

Most importantly, what can anyone who is aware of your situation do to help?

1. Legal advice?

2. Financial help?

3. Relocation?

4. help finding another spouse?

5. help lines, emails, phone-ins, anonymous or otherwise?

Thank you for taking the time to respond.

Answer 1

You've asked a really good question. Probably too serious for me to answer, but having been in that type of a relationship years ago, I'd like to give it my best answer.
The list of reasons you've made are good ones. Most of the time it's all of the above. There's also women that are raised in abusive homes, that believe the abuse is "normal" in a marriage. There are some women that have such a low self-esteem they feel they wouldn't or couldn't attract another man, and they are stuck with the one they've got. Some women don't have an education and ignorance alone keeps them in abusive relationships. And, lastly, there is "battered wife's syndrome".
Finding help is as close as your phone. The Dept. of Human Services in your area is a good start. Also, your family,,,someone you can trust in it to go for help. If there is a need to get out, in a hurry, there are women's shelters for battered women in most cities. Once a woman starts to look for the help, the help is easy to find. Organizations are out there that help with almost everything; housing, legal help, relocations, protective orders, child care,,,,numerous services.
I hope I helped!!!!!!!

Answer 2

There are many reasons why women stay in abusiver relationships and none of them have to do with stupidity or weakness. Some of the strongest women I know are in abusiver relationships. All of the reasons listed above could be reasons for the woman to stay or excuses. But the man who said fear is probably most correct. It is a proven fact that abusers use all of the same techniques and methods that people who brainwash their victims do. It is a type of brainwashing when a woman is in an abusive relationship. She is told repeatedly negative things and begins to believe them as time passes. She is trapped and often is seperated from family and friends because that is where she gets her strength.
The main thing is if the abuser is so mean and hurtful when she is with him...........just think what he will be like when she leaves. It is also proven that the most dangerous time for a victim is the time when she leaves. And she does not get help from the police department, etc. If she has no finances, etc. what is she to do. She can stay in a crisis center for a period of about two to three weeks and then what. She is out in the city with no protection. And believe me, the abuser will find her and hurt her if she doesn't havea support system.
Police are also unaware. When abused women call the police for help many times they get responses such as: Well, you picked him you better learn to live with it or they take the man away for a night and then he is released to go back and hurt her again.
Instead of people writing in and condemning the victims........maybe they should be condemning the abusers. what does society do to stop them from abusing? do they really put money into finding ways to get them the help that they need or give them the time in jail that is deserved for stalking and harming another's life?
It is proven that less than three percent of abusers ever change and that is only if they have years of intensive therapy and only if they want to. Most don't.
That's what we can do to help the victims...and the survivors.
Work to make sure that laws are passed so that society no longer allows the abusers to get off and gives them the proper punishment that is deserved.
Also longer periods of time in shelters. How can someone find a job, rebuild their self esteem, get paperwork in place to get restraining orders, etc. in just a few weeks time.

Answer 3

I'm going out on a limb here and sharing something kind of ugly that I'm not proud of, but here goes.

I have always criticized battered women for staying with the losers who beat them, even though I know there are other forces at work.

A long time ago, maybe 8 years ago I had a very heated argument with my husband, really pushed his buttons, and he pushed/hit me and I fell backwards into the closet. Now, I was STUNNED! He had never ever acted violent in any way and was the last person you'd expect to do that. My emotions ran the gamut the next day from excusing the behavior (I did after all push him, blah blah) to just being in shock over it, to anger- wanting to really stick it to him, to just knowing it would never happen. But that day and the next day it really occurred to me that's what those women must also go through when it first starts. I mean, I made it very clear if it ever happened again I was gone, and I know I would have stuck to that statement, but I wonder if it's like they're on a continuous loop with the same thoughts that went through my head that day. There are probably other things like fear for safety after they leave (maybe he's a total psycho).

Anyway, maybe that's some insight. Not that I am a victim of abuse now and haven't had any incident since then, but any of the things you listed could apply. But I don't think we should be putting these people down necessarily.

Answer 4

My moms friend stayed for her children. Her husband set her on fire, took her from her family, beat her daily, and cheated on her constantly. She blamed herself for even staying. The hold back is the Bible. Marriage is supposed to be until death do you part. It is said that divorce means certain persicution in hell. However if you attempt to make it work and it still doesnt its ok to get a divorce. Personally I think thats bull. He could have killed her. You cant tell me that staying in a home where you know you will be killed is better than getting out. Forgiveness is for a reason. But anyway wehn her last son turned 18 and joined the Marines she finally filed for divorce... he tired to kill her. She stayed for the children. But now she says she sees it would have been better for then if she had left. If he hd killed her they would have had no mother. She says she was wrong to stay. but at the time It was for the kids, and the fact he made her quit her job and she had no money. so I guess financial reasons played a part.

Answer 5

i was with a abusive, both physically and verbally, guy for four years and i just finally got the balls to dump him about 3 months ago. i am young (19) so there was no kids or financial situation there. i was just afraid of being alone and i didnt want to see him with anyone else. i lost a lot when i was with him, almost all my friends and i dropped out of college because he was not happy with the fact that i was there

Answer 6

I can say that when i was 17 I was in a verbally abusive relation ship for almost 2 years. When i got pregnant it opened my eyes and I feared things would get worse and he would get abusive with our daughter. Beforei had her though I just didnt see what was really going on I had on those rose colored glasses and I didnt think I could do any better. I loved him so much I made excuses for him. After my daughter was 6 months old he hit me once and I opened my eyes and moved on . He hasnt seen our daugther or even tried to help me take care of her. I think it just takes them seing what is going on and how it affects you and your kids. You just have to get those rose colored glasses off and see whats really there. Untill then they arent ready to move on and will keep going back. Its hard just keep talking to them and try to make them see whats really there

Answer 7

For the first marriage, it was because children live what the learn.
Laws change, and some are too stubborn to change.
So when the State steps in for the 2nd time, I took my children and left.
To your second question.
The first 3 applied to both divorces. .

Answer 8

I myself have never been in a physically abusive relationship. But my mother was. My father was very abusive to my mom and me, not so much my brother. And no he was not a Muslim for those who are thinking that.

My mother would leave then come back leave then come back. It went on for over 20 years. Sometimes she would leave us with him and I was to little to understand why mommy left. And of course dad would tell me because she was no good and did not love us. But once I got older and the abuse started on me to I began to understand. So here is my take on my mother.

I believe she is unstable do to years of abuse. She was to afraid because he treated her and her family. He used mind games to keep her were he wanted her. If she was to leave he would never leave her alone. He would torture her for the rest of her life. She would have to hide. And her family would never be safe. When she would leave she would always come back. She never really told me why she came back and I never asked, but I knew it had to be some kind of treat.

It took my dad becoming very sick for her to feel brave enough to leave for good. He was on an oxygen tank and could not walk well. Thats when she left. She said she felt bad for leaving him when he needed her, but she had to go. He still would try and beat her even when he was so sick.

As for me I got away when I was 16. If it had not been for converting to Islam and Islam teaching not to cut ties with you kin, I don't think I would of ever talked to him again. But with the help of God I was able to forgive him and I talked to him on the phone(we were across the country from one another) for the last 2 years of his life.

I asked him why he did that to us. He would not admit he was wrong, but he did give me some explanation. He said he felt he was doing what is right. And I honestly think he did. He really did love us I believe that. He was just a sick man who needed help but would not admit he had a problem. He would say we are the reason he hits us. And in his mind he thought he was not doing anything wrong. He did apologize finally to me, but only because I pushed him into it. And he realized I was no longer afraid of him.

As for what you can do.I tell any women to get out, No matter what you have to do, get out. There is help out there. Don't let him convince you other wise. There are shelters, go to family, go to friends, go to the police, but once again, just get out.

And for those here who call the stupid you don't understand. They have a way of making you feel guilty and making you believe it is your fault. I don't know how but they do. Its not like it is like this from the beginning. You would never marry a man like this right. So stop judging these women. Your not in their shoes, you don't know what it is like. They are victims and sometimes victims don't know how to stop being victims.

Answer 9

I don't think there are any of these spineless women online right now. Probably too busy being beaten and put down.

Answer 10

as much of jerk my husband can be, he has never physically abused me. I know a few in the situation though, they all hope one day it will change