HERES THE HISTORY OF THE WAS THAT THE FRENCH HaS FOUGHT, (p.s. they lost nost of them)?

Question

Gallic Wars - Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian.

Hundred Years War - Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare; "France's armies are victorious only when NOT led by a Frenchman."

Italian Wars - Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars -- when fighting Italians.

Wars of Religion - France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots.

Thirty Years War - France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.

War of Devolution - Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flower pots as chapeaux.

The Dutch War - Tied.

War of the Augsburg League / King William's War / French and Indian War -Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.

War of the Spanish Succession - Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved ever since.

American Revolution - In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare; "France only wins when America does most of the fighting."

French Revolution - Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French.

The Napoleonic Wars - Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.

The Franco-Prussian War - Lost. Germany first plays the role

War on Terrorism - France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in
a McDonald's.

the french can even beat the native americans, and they throw sticks and stones

hey lefang you cant forget about bikinies and french kissess! wait there called freedome kisses now!

I AM AMERICAN JUST TO CLEAR THAT UP!

YOU WANT TO KNOW WHY WE HAVNT BLOWN FRANCE OFF THE MAP IS BECAUSE OF THAT STATUE! (HEY GORGE BUSH EVEN SAID THAT) LOL

HEROES ALWAYS SHOW UP AT THE LAST SECOUND!

Answer 1

A few thoughts on our French pals...

"I don't know why people are surprised that France won't help us
get Saddam out of Iraq. After all, France wouldn't help us get Hitler out of France either."

--Jay Leno
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"I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French one behind me."

--General George S. Patton
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"We can stand here like the French, or we can do something about it."

--Marge Simpson
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"As far as I'm concerned, war always means failure."

--Jacques Chirac, President of France

"As far as France is concerned, you're right."

--Rush Limbaugh
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"You know why the French don't want to bomb Saddam Hussein? Because he hates America, he loves mistresses and wears a beret. He is French, people."

--Conan O'Brien
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"The last time the French asked for 'more proof' it came marching
into Paris under a German flag."

--David Letterman

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"Only thing worse than a Frenchman is a Frenchman who lives in
Canada."

--Ted Nugent

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"War without France would be like ... World War II."

--Unknown


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"The favorite bumper sticker in Washington D.C. right now is one
that says 'First Iraq, then France.'"

--Tom Brokaw

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"What do you expect from a culture and a nation that exerted more of
its national will fighting against DisneyWorld and Big Macs than the
Nazis?"

--Dennis Miller

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"It is important to remember that the French have always been there
when they needed us."

--Alan Kent

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"They've taken their own precautions against al-Qa'ida. To prepare
for an attack, each Frenchman is urged to keep duct tape, a white
flag, and a three-day supply of mistresses in the house."

--Argus Hamilton

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"Somebody was telling me about the French Army rifle that was
being advertised on eBay the other day -- the description was, 'Never
shot. Dropped once.'"

--Rep. Roy Blunt, MO

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"Raise your right hand if you like the French, ... raise both hands
if you are French."

--Unknown

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"Do you know how many Frenchmen it takes to defend Paris ? It's not
known, it's never been tried."

--Rep. R. Blount, MO

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"Do you know it only took Germany three days to conquer France in
WWII? And that's because it was raining."

--John Xereas, Manager, DC Improv

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The AP and UPI reported that the French Government announced after
the London bombings that it has raised its terror alert level from Run
to Hide. The only two higher levels in France are Surrender and
Collaborate. The rise in the alert level was precipitated by a recent
fire which destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively
disabling their military.

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French Ban Fireworks at Euro Disney

(AP), Paris, March 5, 2003

The French Government announced today that it is imposing a ban on the use of fireworks at Euro Disney. The decision comes the day after a nightly fireworks display at the park, located just 30 miles outside of Paris, caused the soldiers at a nearby French Army garrison to surrender to a group of Czech tourists.
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The only good things to come out of France have been:

1. Laetitia Casta
2. Brigitte Bardot
3. Brigitte Lahaie
4. French Fries
5. La Coste polo shirts

--- El Teke :)

Answer 2

It says "Answer this question", but I can't find the question. I'll go for my 2 points anyway.
A comment: You don't seem to like the French too much.
You didn't mention World War I. The french, helped by the British and Americans, won. The chief general over all was the French General Foch. So I think you could count that one as a French win. It was mainly fought on french soil, the French did the most sacrifice, and made the greatest contribution to that one. (Even Churchill recognized that one).
They spoiled it all, however, in the 2nd World War. They really made a mess of their reputation there.
Why is it that you hate them so much? Is it because they opposed the invasion of Iraq? Most of the world did, including Canada - I know a lot of your compatriots (assuming you are American) hold a grudge against Canada for that too. But when you do right, we are there for you and with you - in a big way. When you are wrong, we tell you, we remain your friends, but we won't join you in doing wrong (we have enough wrong things to do on our own. Our faces our still red from Somalia, even though we disbanded the regiment responsible for the atrocities).

Answer 3

YOU forgot norman the conquerer,he beat the bejesus out of the anglo saxons who had kicked some butt of the ancient brits, but then he beat up harold shot the poor bugger in the eye with an arrow,norman was a frenchie, but he got whupped eventually then we got wise and have never stopped beating the french at war,but they kicked *** at footie and they do make a nice brandy so they all cant be that bad, the yanks beat every body,won all the wars that have ever been fought,except vietnam but they do tell a good story
the italians have perfected the art of capitulation,and invented the first ever tank with 27 reverse gears, but the invented spagbog so they cant be all bad, so all in all what do we know about the icelandics....... LF

Answer 4

You are very unoriginal.

Did you know without France we'd have never won the American Revolution? There's one war they won.

Roosterman, The US had the two most difficult beaches. They also supplied D Day and planned it.
The Canadians had such an easy beach they brought bicycles to the shore.

Answer 5

obviously you dont like the french,why i dont know,if it wasn't for them you would still be part of britain because without them no independance,in the last 2 world wars the french copped it first but i will tell you this without their underground resistence to hitler d/day would not have been the success it was,and no thanks to the yanks who were landed at the easier beaches(which they came very close to losing)where the british ,canadians australians and free french made it happen,as for american soldiers its only in the movies that they always win but in real life they were and still are not much good,plus you waited to see who was the likely winner before you came in and that goes for the first world war as well,the french in general are a very brave people,and no i'm not french i'm australian,also get your head out of those american fiction books you call history and get with the real world,

Answer 6

But they are usually there before the americans who like to turn up late when all the hard work has been done (WW1 and WW2) or who prefer to go to war against smaller nations Vietnam and Iraq.

Answer 7

just a funny thing.
go to google
type in french military victories
hit i am feeling lucky

it is hilarious