Contemplating Divorce. Honest answers please?

Question

First time asking. I don't know what to do. I'm an organized 36 year old guy, married 12 years with an 11 year old son, that just bought a house. I'm not happy and am questioning if the grass is greener on the other side. Yes, I can deal with life as is for the next 10 years or more, but is it worth it? I got married when I got my girlfriend pregnant, it was the right thing to do. After my son was born, she became very religious, SDA to be exact. So, she's very sexually conservative, and is not into me that way, which is something I "think" I need allot of (I also know I being a guy I want what I can't have). Because of the religion I can't raise my son the way I want. No Halloween, Santa, Easter Bunny. My wife and son don't do things on sabbath as I do.. Nutshell; shes very conservative and I'm a wild party guy. She doen't spend money and is 0 maintenance. On the other side, I could have a hot high maintanance wife that blows all my money. Wish there was more space.

Answer 1

Your wife has every right to choose this path, however, wether she realizes it or not, she has chosen to alter your relationship with you. Not allowing for your needs, or meeting you half way. I'm assuming this is not how it was when you married her. This is not what you signed up for, and this is not your life style. You now have to make a choice how you want to live. The first thing you should realize is that she is making a decision based on her needs.... not yours. You need to decide if life is to short to live it for someone elses needs before your own because you think it is the right thing to do. You also need to realize that there is nothing wrong with making changes in one's life. But now you may also have to make a change in yours. Despite what most people think, that being, marriage is for life, people do change and there is nothing wrong with that. It is not up to her to decide how you and your son live your life. And speaking of your son, any parent should expose the children to options in life, so when they become older they can choose. This brings the second point, by going your way, are you showing your son that there are choices in life? And that it is ok to make changes. Life is what you make it, and you obviously arent happy so make yourself happy. The grass is greener on the other side if you make it that way. We create our own realities. We choose to live in happiness or in misery. I think the answer is simple. If that is what you really want. As for the high maintenance thing, yes there is a middle ground.

Answer 2

There is more space, get a hot woman with little maintenance......ha ha!!

Seriously, get those fantasies in check or you will cheat and that is worst than divorce. If she has chosen a way of life which makes you unhappy then you probably want to give her an opportunity to hear your side of the story. If she is unrelenting then let her go. I can assure you that no woman is happy with an unhappy husband. Let her know that you don't feel that she is paying you enough sexual attention. If she is religious she must understand that her responsibility to her husband is serious as well.

Don't try and stand between her and God, but find out if there is any flexibility. If not, she will be sooo much happier living with an equally commited man who understands her walk. And you will be temporarily much happier chasing hot women....until you catch one. Then you may wish for the easy going little woman at home again.

Sounds like your bored. Thats not a real reason for divorce.

Good luck!!

Answer 3

Yes it is worth it to deal with your life for another 10 years or so, you have a wife, someone to cherish and someone who you have taken vows with. I understand that she is so conservative and she has her religion but remind her that the bible states that a woman should not be submissive to her husband. And tell her how you feel (if you haven't already) sex is so important in a marriage, and that's why you are feeling the need to go else where but it's sound like you have everything you need it just need some fine tuning. As far as the holiday thing, it is not that big of a deal, your son will understand as he is getting older anyhow, and it will save you money, because you also said that your wife doesn't spend alot. Don't walk away from a strong foundation, it's called temptation, work it out TOGETHER!!!

Answer 4

You don't need more space -- think you have expressed your concerns::


We all change, and evolve, and sometime the person with whom we have a marriage does not stay in the same book, on the same page. Also, things do wear out -- clothes, tires, teeth, furniture, and yes, marriages.

On the one hand, you are at least in a solid, if not frustrating marriage. But you are also spending good years, not being really content. And tho life is not always a joyous place, at least one ought to feel content. Before you bail, leave your family, and hope the "parachute" opens, get into a few sessions of family counseling, and sex therapy. For sure let your wife know you are NOT content, and you want things to change.... and that you want to be honest with her...that you are frustrated, and really have no answers, hence some therapy sessions. If she won't talk, and won't go, then go yourself, and let her know that your are going to go yourself..... and if she likes your marriage the way it is ( and you do not) , then you rather have your answer, don't you --????

Answer 5

I am sorry buddy but the man is suppose to be the head of the house this means that the woman is suppose to follow you not the other way around. I can understand not celebrating some of the holidays because what man has made it out to be . However if you know the true meaning of why we celebrate those days that is what your son should be aware of. I think the wife's role in the home is to love honor an obey the husband role is to be a provider for his family etc.

Answer 6

I dont know what SDA is. I do know that "the right thing" is NOT to marry someone when they get pregnant. The right thing is to have a relationship with your child and help the mother financially. All that doing the "right thing" does is to cause issues
down the road..... as you now know.

Is there anyway that you could learn to embrace your wifes religious values?? Is there any meeting in the "middle"??
Marriage IS suppose to be a two way street. Each person tries to give 100% of themselves and you end up meeting
somewhere in the middle. There is two sides to every story
and I believe that one who is married should exhaust EVERY
option before opting for divorce, but if your wife changed after
you married her and you cant see yourself living her livestyle...
then you must do what is right for you..... just make sure
that spend alot of time with your son. Lead him by example.
Be a kind, caring father and respect his desires. As he grows
up and learns more about his religion and starts to see the
other side (your side) maybe he will change his mind.

Also, remember religion is man made. The belief in GOD is
God made. Dont ask him to choose....just let him know that
you love him for who he is.

Good luck.

Answer 7

I think you know in your heart what you want to do, you just don't know how to do it. I understand your problem well. My situation is somewhat different, but I know the feeling of being unhappy and wondering is this all there is to life. First of all, being religious does not make you sexually conservative. Sex comes from God as a gift to a man and wife. If you are not happy with your sex life it will affect your daily life. Second, I stayed in a marriage for the children. Now that they are grown and we are separated, they are mad at me for making them think everything was fine for years. If you feel you need to make changes in your life, please talk openly with your wife. She needs to understand you are unhappy and are considering making a big change, like maybe leaving. Take it from me, open communication is the key to making things work. If you wait too long, it could be too late and then you are left with nowhere to go, but away. God bless!

Answer 8

Keep in mind you "married" this woman. For some reason, people now tend to think that you can just undo a vow as serious as those exchanged in marraige. Not so. Maybe in the eyes of the law, but not in God's eyes. (However, I think you stated that you, yourself, are NOT religous- so I guess that doesnt matter to you). I think one of the biggest mistake people make is getting married because of an unplanned pregnancy. That's too bad.

I'm sure you've tried talking to your wife about the situation and maybe it is time for you to suggest counceling, but it sounds to me like you are ready for a way out. If your simply interested in pursuing other women, You may want to stop and think about how that will affect your child, as well as the woman you vowed to spend your life with. Sad deal if you ask me.

Answer 9

You married out of responsibility, not love. It was not a good way to start. Everything that has happened since has made your decision worse. You are 36 now, what is it going to be like when you are in your 50's? If you are unfullfilled now, then I can guarantee you when your son is old enough and leaves home, what kind of life are you going to have with her? How does the thought of growing old together sound to you? You have nothing in common with her now, so how is life going to be then?

I know a man who married for your exact reasons, he is 55 now and absolutely miserable. He has gotten so used to living this way that he is finding it very hard to leave. They have been together 34 years and very little intimacy since he was 23. What a horrible life he had, but it was all he knew. Now, he knows there is something better in life, he is too ingrained and responsible and guilty to actually move out. She is controlling and threatens to kill herself if he leaves...he is well and trully trapped. Is that going to be you when you are 55? If you stay out of responsibility what kind of regrets are you going to have on your deathbed?

Answer 10

from experience i can tell you the grass is not greener....it's just a different view. i understand your frustration. ya know, you are at that age men start claiming "mid life crisis" just so they can go **** around and leave all the responsibilities of wife/kids/house/career etc.....too bad....live with it. if you don't love you wife, tell her, if you aren't' happy at home, leave. just take your OH woe is me attitude with you and you'll be better off in the long run, after all, it's your decision....it's your life. as far as your wife's religion goes, it seems to be bothering you more now then when you were making the babies you want to play holiday with. anyway, if you want your marriage to work, maybe you should see a marriage counselor, if you don't want it to work, don't waste your time here on line, find an attorney and get on with it. if you are not going to get a divorce, be a man and love you wife and family.......your choice.....