We have 2 teenage kids. We recently just completed the divorce process, so it is final. However, we keep spending time together. He stays at our house on the weekends and he says he misses the family life. It seems as though he is having a midlife crisis. i have been patient and am still very much in love with him. We get along good for the most part because all the accountability and responsibilities aren't there. The only reason I filed for divorce was because he said thats what he wanted and i needed to protect myself financially. People said maybe we can live together and get along better now that we arent married. Is that weird? I dont know that i can live like that with no committment. Right now its ok, because i am not dating or havent found anyone else, nor am i looking. Please give me your opinions.
2006-10-31 05:14:08 · 32 answers · asked by one80's chick 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Stop letting him have it both ways. You are being used, and frankly the fact that you are ok with it still doesn't make it right.
He can stay at his own place on the weekends. He should have thought about that whole "missing family life" thing before he asked for a divorce.
Doesn't he have it good .... he can be a single man all week long and do whatever he wants and he has insta-family waiting in the wings for him like it's a movie set he just walks onto, and Poof! he's got a loving family whenever he feels like it.
Marriage means you take the good with the bad. He's only showing up for the good. Drop kick his butt to the curb.
All these touchy-feeley isn't that nice type responses are not addressing the fact that he has no interest in working on your relationship or in dealing with his mid-life crisis. He is using you to play house with. If he really wanted you, he would be courting you and taking you out on dates and trying to EARN your affections back. He's not committed to you, and you shouldn't waste any more years on this man. You can be friends all you want, but don't play house with him any more.
2006-10-31 05:21:04 · answer #1 · answered by BoomChikkaBoom 6 · 2⤊ 1⤋
I think it's very sad, I feel for you. I do agree that when the pressures of "committment" and responsibility are lifted, the relationship may improve. But I feel it kinda undermines the whole point of the trusting, committed relationship. I think, if I were in your shoes, I would take things one day at a time. I know it's really hard to have the person there, as if nothing has happened - yet, some crucial ingredient is missing. Perhaps you can take some time to think this over, and the answer will emerge, both from contemplating the issue and from your further interactions with your now-ex husband. I don't know if it'll be possible to sustain this "limbo" indefinitely - it seems that it will have to go either one way or the other at some point; either you will grow closer again, and decide to re-build your marriage - or you will both get frustrated with this half-hearted situation and have some big blow-out, or perhaps one of you will meet someone else, and this will create a problem for the other person.
I think it is definitely possible to have a civil relationship with your ex-spouse. I still talk to my ex-husband, we've been divorced for almost 6 years. We'd been together for 5 years before we separated, and after five years of being very close to someone you kinda develop this friendship that doesn't nesessarily end when the "romantic relationship" ends. But we both have moved on relationship-wise; I just got re-married. The first few months after the separation were very hard, because we still saw each other quite a bit, and got along - but he was living with another woman, and had no plans on renewing our relationship. Which worked out for the better, I must add; I am very thankful now that things worked out the way they did. I wish you the best.
2006-10-31 05:52:14 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Its not surprising that without all the pressures and entanglements of marriage, that the two of you can get along. Not everyone who gets a divorce, hate each other.As a matter of fact, you yourself admitted to still loving your husband. Unfortuneatly, love is not enough. Its not enough to sustain a marriage, there has to be so much more, ( ie; mutual respect, devotion, friendship, etc. etc.). An absence of those things and the marriage more than likely is doomed. Obviously, since you two are divorced, then there were problems that you couldn't or didn't want to work on. You need to remember those things, and decide what yopu truly want. If it is to try to work things out with your ex, then you both need to committ to that and maybe get some help. Otherwise, I say its OK for him to come to visit, when he is invited. Then I think when evening comes he should go home to his own place, and let you get on with your life.
2006-10-31 05:33:23 · answer #3 · answered by LofanNui 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If that's what's working for you guys right now, why question it? It can only be a good thing that you get along, especially if you have children together regardless of how old they are.
If you're comfortable with it and he's ok with it....I say why not. Before my husband and I got back together, we were the same way... friendly, spent time together, went on vacations together....no one on "the outside" could understand why we were separated...we knew why and didn't owe anyone an explanation. But now being back together is right for us and it's what we want.
Do what feels right for you two and see where it leads. Maybe you'll get back, maybe not, but a friendship is a great gift no matter how you slice it.
Good Luck.
2006-10-31 05:17:54 · answer #4 · answered by BVC_asst 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
He wanted the divorce and not you. Now he misses his family. Sounds like he wants his cake and eat it too. I know it's hard because you still love him but you can't allow him to stay over. Let him see that when he decided that he didn't want you for a wife anymore, you also decided that you must move on. Life goes on. If he's REAL about missing his family, then he needs to suffer the consequences of his actions. Again, if he's REAL, then send him to counseling. You should also try counseling.
You have 2 teenagers that are looking up to you guys and learning about relationships from you guys. This also confuses the heck out of them.
Bottom line is that you need to tell your NOW ex to sleep over his own house. He's either in or out...no in between.
I learned this the hard way. Good luck!
2006-10-31 05:29:13 · answer #5 · answered by jazz_lover_25 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
After 15 years you are probably to lazy to find someone else. If you were out with the girls and one of them said "wow look at that gorgeous guy over there" and he came over to you and asked you out you would not be letting your X sleep over. After 15 years on the side lines you will be happy for attention. You will be fantasizing that there are many men you could have far better than what you had. A man who truly understands you, truly loves you and truly wants you. He will be home after work right after he stops at the Florist to pick you up to go to the theatre after dinner.
S O R R Y !
That fantasy is just that. You husband is still staying at your house because he is in the same "lazy" and scared rut you are in. You both need to get your expanded fannies out ther and meet others in your similar situation. As soon as those kids move out you should move to Europe and try something really new. I think thats where the term "Get a life' came from.
2006-10-31 05:25:47 · answer #6 · answered by laxthefacts 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
As long as it seems to be working, and the kids still have a mom and dad in their lives, what's the problem? Is it a friendship or relationship? Sometimes in order to appreciate the person he's in love him, a man has to feel like he can leave at any time. That's one reason why I'm not in a big hurry to get married. I love him, but getting married changes men. Not ALL men, but some men. I'm afraid my fiance is one of that some. I say give your ex-husband a little time, and if he's still acting then like he is now, ask him what he wants, and make sure you tell him what you want. Good luck.
2006-10-31 05:22:11 · answer #7 · answered by viva_bamm 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
you remember being girlfriend and boyfriend, when you guys would get into a big fight someone would say you need a break, and you would take the break then things would be ten times more better! if you never took a break then this is it. The truth is your ex didn't want a divorce, but you went thru with it so he had to go thru with it, it's your guys break! and now you both realize "whoa, this means we can go different ways, and there would be no strings attached", and you both know thats not what either of you want.
So I don't see anything wrong with having a relationship with someone you love. being married and divorced have nothing to do with the way people feel about eachother.
2006-10-31 05:24:23 · answer #8 · answered by Dee W 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
When you share 15 years of your life with someone it is hard to suddenly just cut loose. His being around and your getting along better may be a good way to help the two of you ease into the whole divorced life. However, if you do not plan on marrying him again you may want to watch how long you let this type of situation go on. It could be pretty scary and confusing to any new guy you wanted to bring into your life. It could prevent you from moving on and finding something new.
2006-10-31 05:24:15 · answer #9 · answered by M C 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You just answered your own question with your last sentence. You are not dating and haven't found anyone and are not looking. He'd there, he's familiar and he's convenient. He wanted a divorce and now he is lonely. Poor baby. He's free to move on without any legal ramifications at all. If you were smart - or if you want to GET smart, you'll cut the cord, immediately. Talk about your children's issues over the phone. Don't let him stay over. It's a shame he misses family life but you reap what you sow. You need to move on and find someone who wants the good with the bad as well as a commitment. Don't you feel you deserve more?
2006-10-31 05:19:13 · answer #10 · answered by Lioness 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋