What do you do if you are married, but don't feel married?

Question

We have been together 6 yrs. and married almost 2. He never was much of a talker, but we rarely have a conversation other than what needs to be said. He doesn't want counceling, he thinks nothing is wrong. I have taked to him about his lack of interest, and he feels like I am attacking him personally. I have asked him if he wants to be single and he says "if thats what you want"
I don't want to go thru another divorce but I think about it. He is not mean, just not there. I used to try to show him affection, and he pushes me away. He is so distant, I feel like I am living with a stranger sometimes. It is weird, I never thought this would happen to us. I don't know if I should just "live" with him or leave him. I am not afraid of being alone. But I feel safe with him. What would you do?

When I married him he was different. He acted like he loved me.

And he is not a cheater.

I was divorced for 15 yrs before I married him

Answer 1

I have been married for 15 years and I can tell you this happens sometimes. I just wait until I can not bear one more minute of it and start talking. Not usually giving him much of a choice in the matter. At least I can say my piece and then give him some space to think about his response or feelings.
Last night I just wrote a letter (9 pages!) I wrote it quickly and I did not proof it. I just let the words flow out as they would. Then when the children went to bed I handed it to him and stepped back. Allowed him time to read it and this started a great conversation.........We did not really have the time to talk about EVERYTHING but we did get to most of it and I have had my say and he totally knows where I am coming from so hopefully there will be more conversations to follow....I mean really what do you have to loose?

Answer 2

Honey, I have been in his shoes before. The only reason I stayed for as long as I did, was 1. a child & 2. I didn't want to start all over. But what he needs to realize is that a loveless marraige is not the way to live. You too. You may need to make the call. I didn't want to push my ex away or make his self esteem go down any more than I already had done. I finally just faced reallity and said you know....we aren't happy, and we both deserve a chance to be happy. You may consider a seperation to make sure you both need each other? But don't wait too long....it will never be easy to do, but if you can't look into the future and see yourself with him or yourself happy, then go ahead and take the initiative to open his eyes more by saying I AM NOT HAPPY...stop asking him what he wants and tell him what you want. Good luck.

Answer 3

D I V O R C E! It a waste of time and your life! There are so many men out there that are more compatible with you needs! I'm telling you, you will waste your life away being bored and bitter! Get the f*ck away and let his a*s know! Or you can set him up to cheat on you that way you have growns for a divorce. I don't know if you have the heart to read this and actually do it. But I've been through the same sh!t girlfriend and I finally paid for own divorce after 13 years. Lord I was free as a damn bird it felt so good! Mine cheated on me and got busted! I wanted a divorce after the 1st 5 years. I couldn't prove anything. But once he tapped the next door neighbor, I had his a*s! He did not contest sh!t! I told him if he did I would take everything he had including his Fruit of the Loom Draws! I don't play sweetie! I live by 2 songs now: What's Love Got To Do With It and No More Drama In My Life! I thinking about adding a 3rd song: What Have You Done For Me Lately?

PS: Don't listen to DaRkViXeN! Damn Sacred! Why the hell should you suffer! People want to be happy not miserable. Let her a*s be miserable. People can do bad and good by themselves. DaRkViXeN is probably miserable and she wants company. Damn That!

Answer 4

I used to feel that way about the man I'm about to marry. I sat him down and told him how I was feeling about the way he ignored me sometimes. If you can't have a civilized conversation with your husband, it would probably be in your best interest to leave him. With his behavior and everything, it sounds like he's cheating. If he's not showing YOU any affection, he's probably showing it to someone else. Usually when someone says, "If that's what you want," they either want that too, or they just don't care. He doesn't even seem to have ANY emotion about the idea of divorce. You don't need to live with that. That's just my opinion. I'm sorry you're going through this, and I know you'll make the decision that's in YOUR best interest. Good luck and again I'm sorry.

Answer 5

First examine why you married him, and what are the things you enjoy about him its always good in the beginning, marriage takes work you will find that you have to pour into with things that both of you can benefit from, because now you are one unit. Some men usually don't know how to communicate very well, and we as women are emotional people. you need to go back to the vows with him and let him know that marriage is or should be an unbroken able bond. Let your husband know that marriage is like having a garden, in order for you to maintain it with water, good soil, seeds, sunlight, and pulling out weeds every now and then. Marriage is like that too, in order too keep healthy and alive you have to nourish it. The husband is the provider and by God he has been appointed to take care of his wife emotionally, physically, mentally and spiritually. It can work just have a little more patients and pray (if you believe in God) he will answer your prayers

Answer 6

It sounds like he suffers from clinical depression. If he refuses counseling, there is little you can do. Perhaps the threat of a divorce will convince him to at least speak with a psychiatrist.

You have to decide how much he is sucking energy out of your life. You don't want to look back and think that all those years were wasted. If the security he offers liberates you; stay. If the lack of passion drags you down and traps you; move on.

Answer 7

Marriage is sometimes like pooping on a perfectly good thing. The relationship was better before. But now it sucks. This is typical. Is your husband on drugs? Does he have a history of depression? Is he possibly cheating? Somethings up. Whatever it is, getting married may also be part of the problem. Some people change for the worse unfortunately after they get married. I know. This happened to me. Marriage ruined my relationship.

Answer 8

First of all i have a question. What does being married feel like? I am married and I couldn't answer that question. Was he this way before you got married? Are you trying to change him into something he is not? You knew what you were getting into before you got married. Did you think marriage would change him? If you did then you got married for the wrong reasons. Instead of trying to see what is wrong with him, you need to answer these questions for yourself.

Answer 9

I was in the same shoes as you are now. He didn't want to "talk" or go any where with me, always by him self. So one day after I had enough of his crap, I gave him the choice, he could either go to counseling with me or it was over. He said he didn't have a problem, that it was me. I asked him if he cared enough about us to want to make what was wrong right again. He told me it was my problem not his. We are no longer together! As he didn't care enough about us to want to try to make it. So one day when he took one of his little trips that lasted five days, I had some friends come in and move me out while he was gone. Later on after he did come back home (5 days later) he was shocked because he found out that I had moved out and had the nerve to tell me that he "didn't know we were having any problems" and thought that I had moved in with another guy! Pleaseeeeeeeee!

Answer 10

what you wrote made me sad. At what cost to you is worth feeling "safe." Please seek counseling alone if he's resistint to it. Thru counseling you might gain insight about how you can change your behavior and it might have an impact on him. Science has long supported the importance of touch and emotional connection to health and longevity. You have to recognize that denying you affection and emotional intimacy is a form of abuse--sometimes it is worse than physical because one can't see the wound. Please seek help. Hopefully you will find the answers...or learn to accept the truth. Good Luck!