Is it normal to argue a lot when you have only been married four months? How can you stop?

Question

We are both very sensitive and defensive. We love each other, and have a lot in common, but we argue about something almost every day. It's mainly stuff like one of us takes something the wrong way, or accidentally hurts the other one's feelings. The next thing I know, he is talking about splitting up, because he doesn't want to ruin my life, or my daughters' lives. He said I was happy when I met him, and he feels like he has sucked all the joy out of my life. That is not true. I admit, we are dealing with some tough stuff (externally) that neither of us can really do anything about, but I am happy with him. Well, I have rambled enough, and I hope I can get some responses from people who have actually been where I am. Thanks so much!

We don't usually "yell" at each other, but it is awful, and it is heart-breaking.

The external stuff is his ex-wife, who I promise you is crazy. She is in our lives EVERY day. She tries to control him through the children. Thank you for asking.

Answer 1

If your agruements are over hurt feelings it can be easily fixed.....my wife and I both realize that when the other feels hurt there should never be any arguing just an apology.....feelings are just that feelings, they arent logical and dont have to make sense..... so there is no reason to argue whether they are justified in being hurt, the only thing important is that they are.....

Answer 2

He is feeling the pressure of the added responsibilities to his life of you and your daughter. The first year of marriage is always the hardest and that's without having children. Is it possible there are some control issues going on? You must talk with him. He is probably feeling alot of the same things that you are. Do you criticize him often? Does he feel like there isn't anything he can do right? If so, then back off a bit.
Try also writing him a letter telling him how much you love him w/o any complaints or judgements that begin with the words "you always, or you never". Those are fighting words and put the person into a defensive position automatically. Try to stick to the issues at hand and not a long list of grudges. Let some stuff go if its not fatal. Being "right" all the time can often cause a rift between partners. Agree to disagree.
NEVER FIGHT IN FRONT OF YOUR CHILD.

Answer 3

Some couple's counseling will help.

Couples have to learn how to argue so that they can resolve differences without hurting each other but also so that they are comfortable enough to speak their mind (i.e., not silenced).

In a calm, we are not arguing way, go over the patterns of what he said that hurt you in your mind. Then during a calm, good time tell him what would have made that particular situation better for you. Use lots of "I need" or "I would like it if" and no "you did" or "you are" language. He should do the same with you but at a different time.

For instance, in my own marriage, I sat down and explained to my husband that I felt he contradicted me whenever we talked about anything and it made me feel stupid. I said that it would be really nice if the first sentence out of his mouth was an acknowledgement of what I had said and that he thought it was a good idea or something positive before he went into his own opinion or another way of looking at things. It works.

We were fighting about why a particular show stunk for pete's sake. Now, when I say I didn't like the writing in this episode, he says something about how that makes a lot of sense and he understands what I told him. Then he may go into another way of viewing it.

Good luck. The key is to figure out what will keep you happy and provide some guidance to him on how to disagree or work with you on a problem. And ditto for him. Communication is key!

Answer 4

It is not normal to argue every day. When my fiancé and I first started living together, we did have arguments every once in a while; we had both lived alone for several years before, and it took some adjusting to live with another person. But it was not every day, and most of the time we worked things out right away (mostly it was me who would over-react, I admit). We never talked about separating, tho.

I don't think the whole "it's not you, it's me" bit sounds very mature. But then, maybe you HAVE changed, and you don't even realize it? It is sometimes difficult to notice a change in yourself if it's gradual. Maybe, you're more stressed out, less "happy", and he's taking it personally? Give it some thought, don't immediately go on the defensive. It's not abnormal for one's mood to fluctuate, especially in response to change and stress; perhaps you both are just a little *too* sensitive, and are taking things *too* personally. Try to not give into the temptation to fight about the little things, it's not worth it. They say, marriage is one of the most stressful events of one's life, precisely because it brings a big change; both of you need to recognize this, and not take it out on the other person.

Answer 5

Hello, Step out of the blame game. When yoir husband said that he has sucked all the joy out of your life, you were smart to say, that is not true. Put yourself into the position of being a good listerner. Your husband is still stuck into the blame game of self, by making that statement " I sucked all the joy " . Be the one who communicates with great understanding. If he should say something that you can see as a self blame, just give back your understanding of his words. I will use the example you gave, Sucked the joy out of your life, Repeat back to him using your words of what you just heard. What I heard was, you feel you have the power to take away my joy. Wait for an responce. In other words you are not engaging into a argument, you are just clarifying his words. Stick to the facts of what is being said, Just the facts. This stops all arguments You will be helping him and your self a great deal by communicating this way, it will help the other person to be aware of what they are saying, most of us are on automatic ,and never think about what we are saying. You can become a great communicator using this with anybody. I wish you the best of all that life has to give. Thank you for asking this question

Answer 6

First off tell your husband he can't get out of marriage that easily.You both have to pull your load and when you argue over stupid things then you are pushing away from each other.
My husband and I have figured out that everytime we argue over little things to laugh it off. Cause after awhile you'll realize that it was stupid to begin with. My husband and I are very much alike too and to be together and love each other you have to ignore some of the things each other says.
Things aren't always going to go right but I will say that if you don't stop fussing then yeah it may end sooner than you would like it to.
If you really love each other and you really want to try at this then tell your husband that everytime you get into a fuss that he can't say he's leaving.Marriage isn't easy but its worth it. Just try a little harder and love each other and don't always take things to heart . Laugh it off and play around with each other.Tell each other you love the other everyday and believe in each other and things will be ok.
Plus yall are still getting use to each other give it sometime.

Answer 7

Like everyone here has said, the first year is always the hardest. Disagreements/arguments are a natural part of it. However, it shouldn't happen on a daily basis. Maybe the two of you should consider marriage counseling. You need to talk to someone and work this out. It will only get worse if you don't do something. Good luck.

Answer 8

Hi, I had all the feelings you mention. But my ex and I argued every three days. I was never like that in my life. I noticed the pattern after a month of marriage. Every three days we argued. We could be all lovey,dovie in the morning and by evening the third day we'd be arguing. I know who and why and the reasons it started but I won't mention in detail that here. I will say this I was never like that all my life and I will say a partial reason for it was make-up sex. The best thing I ever did was divorce her. In spite of the very good sex. I could never live that again, with anyone.

Answer 9

Been there, still there. All you can do for sure is -- keep it from getting worse. Do not insult, don't say negative things in front of other people, do not complain to him, forget about having the last word .. there is so much couples do to make it worse; without even trying. Set better patterns of communication.

You have to make a constant effort to get along. When couples argue it's not like, "Oooh Look, that womans a real b*tch -or that guys a real a**hole"; nah, you both look stupid. The couple yelling in your yard, raising your voice at Walmart, bickering around friends/family. Learn before it's too late to fix. Curing contempt takes hours maybe $$ in therapy, if that even works.?

Answer 10

Red flags abound. You are headed for a crappy marriage if you don't fix this now. This bickering will ultimately lead to no communication, no intimacy and walls that are sky high. If he's talking about leaving because he doesn't want to ruin your life, what he really means is that he is not happy with YOU. It's not cause he's going to ruin your life. If anything, it's the other way around. You are ruining his life. Don't let him make you feel guilty for his immature feelings. Don't let him blame you. This guy sounds like he's immature and needs to just grow up.