Do I leave my husband who I feel is emotionally abusive?

Question

My husband and I have only been married one year. We have a 4 year old daughter. The reason I feel he is emotionally abusive is because he tells lies about me to my family and friends, he belittles me in front of his friends, never says anything nice or complimentary to me, doesn't appreciate anything I do. Humiliates me in public, cutting me down, yelling at me and makes me carry all the groceries while he gets in the car and waits for me to load them, laughing all the while. He calls me when he knows I will be working with my boss or other higher up and screams and swears at me so they can hear him cut me down. I know I don't deserve any of this, but sadly it is almost becoming normal.

I have tried to go to counseling but he came only one time and doesn't want to go anymore.
I want to leave because I don't want to feel sad and hurt and mad any longer. Also, I don't want my daughter to witness this poor quality of a relationship.
Thoughts????

Answer 1

NO I wouldn't suggest divorce based on your description. Go to your doctor to be checked for post partum depression,

Your statement reflects only your feelings and perceptions of how you are treated. Yes, some may be valid, some may be exagerated yet repairable. Too many people say "See you later" When they need to remember "Lets make worse or better as we vowed to God" You may have a touch or post partum depression.

Read books that will help you, such as Joyce Meyer, Beauty for ashes and "Me and my big mouth" it give you the upper edge of how to detour of how the conversation is directed toward you.

Another good book is, "Love life for every married couple" by Dr. Ed Wheat. Wow. Don't run from everything, conquer them and live the next 50 years+ with 1 person as you intended.

Answer 2

You have received many good answers from people here. You know what your gut and heart say. If he refuses to look at, see, address, or acknowledge the issues and problems, then maybe he doesn't WANT to see it. He may be a stupid male that thinks he is always fine and right ALL the time.
Does he have any mental reasons for his behavior?
Or is he just a dumb f***?
Does he actually see/ hear what he is saying?
Tape him and show him, haha, that would be a good indicator if your marriage is worth saving.
He does not respect you if he won't improve or change. This is hard after only 1 year, but better than 10 years.
Does he treat your child the same?
Does he think the child should see this?
Or he does not give a ****?
You have a sense of what is best for your child. Do it. Theraphy for you, church to strengthen your self worth, support from family, friends, community is all necessary and will help. Look to a local Womens Shelter for steps to take on leaving and even Legal Aid will have listings of resources to prepare yourself for the worst.
My suggestion is not introduce the decision of your leaving at home, but do it in a public place so he will be calm/composed to an extent. Get all your papers, clothes, plan to let him know you are serious. It may be heartbreaking, but emotional/mental abuse leaves scars for many years that can appear as disorders later. If he values you and your family, he will try to change or improve. If not, take care of YOU and your child!!
God Bless!!
(Also seek forum support to not feel you are alone, unfortunately this is common nowdays.)

Answer 3

And how long has this been going on? If it has just started then he is probably wanting you to leave. If this is the way he has always acted, then why is it bothering you now and not before.
Just because a husband does not:
"say anything nice or complimentary" and "doesn't appreciate anything I do" does not justify a divorce. Rarely do husbands do these things (only lovers).

When he lies and shouts at you, he is only making himself look bad. (Is he on steroids) Quietly say "you are embarrassing yourself, stop having a temper tantrum like a baby" and go on with your business. When he yells on the phone at you, quietly hang up with a "good bye dear"

He won't help or load the groceries? Then you sit your bum down in the car first and wait for him to load them (leave out the laughing part and when he is done look at his sweetly and say "thank you dear") He is not going to drive off without them, and if he does... his problem. Hey at least he goes grocery shopping with you.. what guy does that now days.

Last of all.. sorry honey, but I have to tell you that from the start you did not command respect from this guy, so why should he give it to you. Having a a baby and then getting married when she is old enough to be the flower girl is not the way a lady acts.

Answer 4

I think you SHOULD leave him. He does not appreciate what he has- and he probably never will, considering how he treats you. And your daughter does not need a father who is abusive to his wife- he may(and most likely will), become abusive to her,as well. You, though, most especially, do not and should not need to go on this way. I would not have stayed so long with him. From the first week of abuse, I'd have left him already. Get this: His behavior is not your fault. So don't begin to think that.

Answer 5

CAN YOU SAY GET OUT! It is not an easy decision. Take it from someone who has been in your boat. Don't let anyone talk to you in a belittling way or yell at you as if your a mere child. It is all about SELF-RESPECT! Learn to love yourself again and be strong. It is so hard with a child but do you want that child to grow up and think it is either OK to treat women that way or on the other hand that it is OK to be treated that way? It is not an easy move but remember there are allot of people out there that you would never guess have been there or are so willing to help! Please take my advice and stand up for yourself! Good luck ...

Answer 6

Emotional abuse IS domestic violence! You can file charges.


What is emotional abuse or verbal abuse of a spouse or intimate partner?
Mental, psychological, or emotional abuse can be verbal or nonverbal. Verbal or nonverbal abuse of a spouse or intimate partner consists of more subtle actions or behaviors than physical abuse. While physical abuse might seem worse, the scars of verbal and emotional abuse are deep. Studies show that verbal or nonverbal abuse can be much more emotionally damaging than physical abuse.

Verbal or nonverbal abuse of a spouse or intimate partner may include:

threatening or intimidating to gain compliance
destruction of the victim’s personal property and possessions, or threats to do so
violence to an object (such as a wall or piece of furniture) or pet, in the presence of the intended victim, as a way of instilling fear of further violence
yelling or screaming
name-calling
constant harassment
embarrassing, making fun of, or mocking the victim, either alone within the household, in public, or in front of family or friends
criticizing or diminishing the victim’s accomplishments or goals
not trusting the victim’s decision-making
telling the victim that they are worthless on their own, without the abuser
excessive possessiveness, isolation from friends and family
excessive checking-up on the victim to make sure they are at home or where they said they would be
saying hurtful things while under the influence of drugs or alcohol, and using the substance as an excuse to say the hurtful things
blaming the victim for how the abuser acts or feels
making the victim remain on the premises after a fight, or leaving them somewhere else after a fight, just to “teach them a lesson”
making the victim feel that there is no way out of the relationship

Answer 7

Leave him, and don't look back! I'd suggest making a list of pros and cons, but what pros could there possibly be?! What reason could you possibly have to stay? This is completely unacceptable. I applaud you for trying to get counseling, however he has shown he's not willing to change by not wanting to go.

Also, this is not a "poor quality of a relationship" your daughter is witnessing, she is witnessing abuse. Let me say that again for added affect: YOU ARE ALLOWING YOUR CHILD TO WITNESS ABUSE, TO LIVE IN AN ABUSIVE HOME.

If you stay, your daughter will surely grow up thinking this is normal and will allow men to treat her like that.

Answer 8

I can understand what you feel like.
I could have just said to you to just leave him and move on with your life because it is not right that that you feel that he is emotionally abusing you.

It is good that you have tried to do something about this but it really shouldn't have come to this.

Of course you have your daughter to think about. even though she is young she will still be torn apart if you leave your husband, although if things get any worse you have to do something about it.

If i was you i would explain to your husband about the situation and tell him that you are not happy with the way that he is treating you. try to get him to say that he will be more respective of your feelings and get him to do something about it.

If he tells you that he thinks that what you are saying is a load of rubbish then i would deffinatly just leave him. even though your daughter is young u still have to break the news to her. i would ask her who she would liek to be with more. i know it would be a tough decission but she may have to make it.

Be prepared she meay have to choose you or she may have to choose your husband. just remeber it doesnt matter who she chooses-she still loves you both!!!

i hope that this has helped

:)

Answer 9

You said the magic phrase...."It's almost becoming normal" Sadly that is often at the root of all these abuse situations. The abused person has over time, lost all ability to recognise what "normal" is any more. My most serious advice to you is to NOT let yourself become just another "abused woman" statistic. It's a very big club, and you don't want to become a member.
Men who act this way are virtually ALWAYS so messed up and insecure themselves, that they are actually afraid of a "normal" relationship, in which they have to live by "democratic compromise" rather than be In Control. They are so afraid of LOSING control that they have to dominate. The only kind of person they ever manage to hook up with is the kind of woman who is, herself, not assertive enough to "square off" against this sort of emotionally unbalanced individual, recognises the problem, and will not allow that relationship to go any further.
You absolutely do not deserve this sort of treatment. Verbal abuse is just as much abuse as the physical kind, and believe me, it ain't difficult for the one to degenerate into the other with time. You have a small child to think of, and you have to r emember that even though this man may not be directing any of his behaviour at her, she is witnessing it between the two of YOU, and this is getting hardwired into her brain. She sees you being trodden down, and in her child's mind it will register with her, too, that somehow this behaviour is normal, and that it is also normal for the woman in the relationship to "cower in a corner" That can, and often does, have the exact same effect on the female child, when she herself is old enough to get into a relationship of her own. Believe me, if you stay with this man, you will be continuing to model this dangerous behaviour and it WILL become imprinted into her memory. Do yourself, and her, the only wise thing..... cut your losses, get out, and get out now. It only g ets worse, as he gets bolder in his domination, and you sink further into this awful place where you totally lose your own sense of self worth and identity.

Answer 10

sweetie it is so sad but only you can put a stop to that,good for you if you decide to leave your daughter if not for your self deserve better, she will only grow up thinking this is normal and one day be in the same abusive relationship because mama went thru it. prove to her its not normal are right for another human being to treat other like crap and deal with it even if it hurt . love does not hurt it protect, the two of you deserve better and we all knows hes not the better half, been there 3 years gone 2years and 8 months i prayed every day for strenght to leave one day i was strong enough to leave and never to become weak to go back, you can do it my prays are with you and your baby. hold your head up and dont look back there is a good man waiting for yall and you will wonder what was i thinking best wishes