Should I trust my fiance?

Question

I'm 26 and my fiance is 28.This morning I got up to have breakfast and my fiance's wallet was lying on the side. I know I shouldn't have but as I could see something poking out I had a look. I found a letter written to another woman saying he wanted to be with her and make love to her and that he felt very deeply about her. I felt physically sick when I read this. I was raving mad and went into the bedroom where he was sleeping and confronted him about it. He said that when we went through a bad patch this woman was there for him (he says not sexually, but just to talk to). The fact is though that he wrote this letter in the first place. He must have feelings for her or he wouldn't have written it, would he? He's texting me at work saying he wants to prove to me that he loves me but I don't think I can trust him now. Am I being paranoid or should I accept what he tells me as the truth? I really don't know what to do. Any advice?

Answer 1

Think about it, kid - you mean so little to him that he brings that letter home (why not leave it at work?) and leaves it where you can find it. When a man writes a woman a glurge note he is making a considerable commitment - putting his feelings on paper gives the other woman a rock solid hold over him, especially if he is in another relationship. She has a potent weapon to use against him if she chooses to do so - and we aren't talking about a surreptitious photograph or taped telephone call; he has decided to provide her with tangible evidence of their relationship and the emotional basis upon which it operates. Now, ask yourself - what kind of relationship relies on that level of trust? (Hint : use the words "close", "intimate", and "trusting" in a sentence). Despite his disclaimers all the indications are that you are, involuntarily, the third side of a triangle and if you have any self respect you'll boot him out now.

Answer 2

Aoch!! You no what, this is a tricky situation if you no what I mean. 1st, the majority would say leave him, me 2 I would say so but this is You we are talking about. Something I wanna know is, how is ur fiance's behaviour? Does it convince you to believe what you sow or heard from him? Have you ever cooled off before confronting him? Bcoz the things u do while angry r the ones u'll regret later. And also How sure r u that u do not trust him? I know this is not easy 4 u but it is very important to no your feelings and believe b4 u decide on something.

Go back and think of what u told urself b4 u 2 got involved. Did u tell urself "I ll love the person so much that i will stand the test of time" or maybe you just did it bcoz you thought you loved?Come on ,think!I m not trying 2 stop you from what u r about 2 do but I hate 2 see u regret it for the rest of ur llife. When coming 2 men, they r weak 2 hold themselves while being hurt but we women r stronger. That's why in a relationship a women is the one 2 c 2 it that the relationship stays stronger 4 long. And I will b more disappointed 2 c u give up without trying 2 figure out what is wrong with him and u 2 surely u will feel the same way.

Now if u really love the person, do something b4 you quit, sit down,tell the side of ur story and let him 2, tell his. In this way I assure you, u will know where you stand and then u can decide.I know like others, u might think this is crazy but take it from me, if you truly love the person, u make sure 2 no what what makes him happy and if ur not the 1 one fulfil his needs then ur sure 2 let go of him and then wish him luck. Unless what u saw is what u've bn thinking/expecting.

There must be a good reason why he said/wrote whatever it is and if u surely "believe"not "feel", that u you don't trust him, then there's no use of being with him. And if you don't trust him after what happened without trying 2 work things out then I would say you never loved him truly, bcoz this situation could be conqured by the way u 2 love each other. And if ur the only one in love not ur fiance,then this won't work even if u try but if both of u know that u love each other,then give it atry, it won't hurt but work.

Remember that Trust is all about choce. If you choose not 2 trust him u'll never b able 2 trust anyone even if you try. Now, even if it doesn't work out with him force urself 2 trust him 2 make the right choice apart from you and this will help you love unconditionally and b able 2 trust and hope in a hopeless situation.This will strengthen ur loveand something like this happen again,u'll no what 2 do. U cnnot say "Ifailed withou even trying",how can you thank urself when ur old, if u failed to try?

If u run away from this without solving it, then there's no way u can solve the relationship u'll have after this one and that will lable u being a coward. Face it and leave, knowing that you did your part,and u'll rest assured of ur prosperity. Do this while both of you r at ease and comfortable,relaxed and this will b an experience u never have.

Look you can and no-1 is better than you 2 solve this. I believe you can and no that you will do that.

good luck!

Answer 3

Was the letter written before or after the two of you made up? How long was he carrying the letter around and why didn't he seal and mail it right away? Will he see this woman at work, the gym or anywhere he goes on a regular basis? Did he tell her he is engaged to be married? Does he have a history of being unfaithful to you or to girlfriends before you? Do the two of you have free access to each others e-mail, or is that kept secret? How long were the two of you separated? Will a few sessions with a marriage counselor help to settle questions/ issues either of you may have before marriage? If this is the first time something of this nature has happened, if you know in your heart that he is being honest with you, look at this as an opportunity to build a strong relationship foundation. You aren't being paranoid, and you should not "just accept" his word. This is the time to really listen to each other. Now is the time to hear and to be heard. I do wish you the very best.

Answer 4

I'm sorry to say the more a man offers to prove he loves you, the bigger the guilt he's feeling. If he wanted to show his love for you simply because he does love you, he won't ask your permission. The big gestures may work for a while, but it's the little gestures that mean the most. Anyone can pull their wallet out when they want to buy someone off. Acts from the heart, no matter how subtle, can mean so much more than big nights out and presents. It sounds like he's trying to make up for the guilt he's feeling. If he is genuinely seeing this woman platonically, why hasn't he told you about her before? And why would he say he wants to be with her, etc? Evidence would suggest that he's trying to play the field, test his options. Talk to him this evening, listen to his explanation. Tell him not to prove his love for you but give him a chance to come clean. Watch him squirm, then you decide. My recommendation would be to leave him, but you alone have to live with your decision. If there's any doubt in his truth why let him do that to you? No-one should deserve to be treated like that. The choice is yours, good luck.

Answer 5

At the end of the day, he still wrote that letter and he poured his heart out, that letter is proof he has feelings for another woman and he wants to sleep with her. It you had a bad patch thats not an excuse to go running to another woman, if he loved you like he says he would have stuck with you and sorted it out, if i was in your position i wouldnt trust him, due to the fact he can actually go to a woman and say those things, you are better off spending the rest of your life with someone that will be by you through bad and good.

Answer 6

I can imagine how dreadful you feel. I really do feel that he is untrustworthy. If a couple have a bad patch, then the only TRUE way to make things better is to discuss things honestly.

Yes, it is ok to discuss things with others and get their opinions, but that is different to wanting to be with someone and make love to them as he said he wanted to in his letter.

I wonder why, having written it, he either didnt send it or destroy it. You say it was poking out of his wallet........ did he WANT you to find it.....accidently on purpose perhaps?

I think you need to be very careful now. You are only engaged to be married and engagements can be broken at lot easier than a marriage. If you have marriage plans in place, then i think you need to consider whether it would be better putting them on hold until you have everything sorted out between you. A counselling session may help.

Don't marry an untrustworthy man. Believe me, i know what it's like. You are still very young.

Answer 7

Is the letter dated, by chance?
Could it be that he wrote it before he got involved with you and just didn't trash it? Guys are like that, they'll carry things around in the wallet for YEARS and not think about it.
Has he given you reason to doubt him, other than this once, since you've been with him?
You need to trust him or get rid of him. But don't crucify him without just cause. An old letter stuffed in a wallet is not proof that he's fooling around with some one else.
Tell him to trash the letter and then move on with your lives.

Answer 8

all I am going to say is, you are still calling him your fiance? that type of commitment and trust go hand in hand.
you need to take 5 mins out and be honest with yoursself, do you feel you can trust him? do you want to trust him?
try this exercise, imagine 2 years down the line, what would your life be like? and who would you be with and what would you be doing?
and now do this or 5 years, 10years and 20 years?
still including your fiance?
does he stil have contact with this person now?

and 1 other thing to ask him or yourself is,
he still has this letter on him, when did he write it?
did she see it? and according to when he wrote it, why did he still carry it around?

also another point is, if his mind and eyes can wonder at the hint of a bad patch, how would he react and respond to married life? bils? stress? children etc?

I do personally think only you can answer these questions and only you can make the decision, you have to be brutally honest with yourself.
and with what every decision you make you have to stick to it, and if you choose to forgive and forget, that is exactly what you need to do
forgive and forget, you cant throw it in his face when it suits.

I wish you all the best in this situation and good luck for the future

Answer 9

Well, who owns your flat? Are you renting it? Is that why he wants you back?
Do you have somewhere else to go? These are the questions you should be asking yourself.
If he wants you back, he's going to have to prove it and it can't be done while you live together. Move out, or get a lodger.
By the way, I found such a letter and I believed my husband - he was the father of my children. Don't let yourself be in the same situation a few years down the line. Sort it out now.

Answer 10

He's saying in the letter that he wants to be with her & make love to her surely that proves to you he WANTED to do these things, of course you shouldn't trust him.
If she had been up for it then he would have.
He says this was only when you were going through a bad patch, he has the letter on him, he was going to give it to her so this is a current thing not in the past.
What will he do in the future if you become pregnant & you can't have sex? you know he will find someone else.

Dump him, you deserve better. You deserve a bit of respect & he has none for you.