How do I cope with the likelihood of being single for life (non-judgmental answers only, please)?

Question

I'm a 43 year-old black, gay, unpartnered male. I started my coming-out process around age 30. I had a rather poor relationship with an emotionally volatile mother and a father who was more "businesslike". I was a pretty sensitive adolescent - wouldn't wish being a Pisces on anyone. Most of my 20's were spent working in the suburbs and going to church, hoping the gay thing would just evaporate. In my 30's I did a 180, figuring it was real, and starting a coming-out process at age 30, hoping to find dating partners and ... "experiences". I rarely got the latter; none of the former. At 43, I face the prospect - and I'm not unique, of course, I realize that - that I may wind up "flying solo" for life. No cutie to call a partner, no one to hold hands with, no intimate fantasies fulfilled. (Too much information? Sorry. I'm taking a chance posting this here.) Maybe I didn't take enough chances. Maybe I should have moved elsewhere. Ideas, anyone?

Answer 1

well I'm a Pisces as well...garbage dump of the zodiac LOL really, I've heard it called that....You're only as alone as you want to be...friends can be your life...I've been in a relationship for 20 years and yes --it's great-- but not always great and certainly not always easy...relationships take work too...and in the end my partner is really just my best friend who i live with (and sleep with)...but the fact that you have a partner isn't everything...I was really lonely before I met this guy and I remember saying to myself ' what do you want..you're fairly good looking..you have a fairly good job...you're healthy..you have friends...etc.etc.etc' and I came to the conclusion that having 95% wasn't so bad after all...of course then I met my partner and things changed...But all the single gay people I know seem to think that having a partner is everything...no it's not...there are many aspects to life which make it good and enjoyable for anyone who wants....Am I rambling yet...sorry...I also didn't meet this man until I was 37 years old...so there is hope...and maybe more than hope because at 43 you know what you want out of a relationship and what you want out of life...you sound like a nice guy to me and there are lots of nice guys out there who are searching...don't ever stop looking....

Answer 2

Most bigger cities have a variety of "scenes" for gay people: there are bars that tend to have people your age, and there are various social clubs etc. I stress that the ONLY reason I mention your age is that it's less likely (but not impossible) to find someone too much younger with the same goals that you have. As a sweeping generalization (and as such, to be taken with a few grains of salt), the age divide DOES exist in the gay community, but you don't just disappear after 30. It's just that most people are done sowing their wild oats by then. Truth is, you're more likely NOW to find a long term partner than you would have been had you come out at age 20. I can't speak to specifically where you live, because you live there, not me. If you can manage it, and you think it's a problem, by all means move to a different city. But I don't think you necessarily have to utterly give up hope.

Answer 3

Hi Open-

I'm a Pisces too. You didn't say quite enough about your present situation or what you've already tried, but I can empathize with your situation.

You're only 43, there are lots of older and younger men out there you might relate to. Based on what little I know, I recommend a more positive, proactive approach.

If you live anywhere near a "gay" city, try some counseling. If you don't, consider moving to one. Do what you must by moving if possible, joining groups, sharing interests, becoming active in the community, developing social skills (are you shy? you can get help with that), dressing and acting just like the "cutie" you hope to find.

Maybe there are some things in your earlier life that you haven't come to terms with. If you're a reader, you might try a new book, "Velvet Rage" by Alan Downs.

I came out much later than you, and I won't say that its easy. But do what you can and have time for to set small, achievable goals for yourself and talk to whoever you can, wherever you can, to learn what you need to. I think you'll make as much progress as you really want to. Very best wishes!!! Don't wait for those dreams to come true, MAKE them come true!

Answer 4

I'm fairly certain that you are not the only single gay 43 year old black man in American who attends Church. I'm guessing you live in a rural area. You can still move. You might even find an area with a nice GLBT Church. Atlanta has more eligible gay black men your age than you can shake a stick at. Never mind Chicago and New York. (There's also some cute ones of other colors too) If I were you, I'd take a chance pack up my **** and find a town were I could be myself. You're 43 not dead.

Answer 5

I think Arcanehex said it best, keep doing what you enjoy, feather your "nest" with the possessions you want, pursue all and every hobby yet keep yourself open to any and all possibilities. The Unitarian Church is very accepting to our alternative lifestyle, is there one in your area? Around here, gays hang out in coffee shops, new age stores, natural health food stores, local book shops and local artist galleries/venues. Visit some of these look and listen then join in if/when comfortable. Love is still worth keeping an open heart for. And he helps those who help themselves. As long as you are living and breathing, love may find you yet. And I am a Pisces hand fasted to a Leo for 26 years now. I love being a sensitive Pisces, but then I know in a male it can be more difficult, my brother is a Pisces as well and still single at 33. Good luck.

Answer 6

I too am a Pieces, and have many of the same feelings you do. I'm 35 and have remained in the closet. There is a group of friends around me that know the real me, but this is a very tight nit few. I even got married at age 20 to deny being gay. I have 6 beautiful children as a result of the marriage. 5 boys and 1 girl all whom I love very much. Now the problem I have is worrying that I'll disappoint them by coming out. My biggest step forward was my 18 year-old coming to me in tears. He said, "Dad I love you very much, and I hope you'll forgive me for this. I'm gay". I took him out for dinner, and had a real heart to heart talk with him about his feelings. He said what he gets from another male he can't get from a female in compassion. There is someone out there for all of us. Maybe you should move to an area where being gay isn't a bad thing. Then you may meet the man of your dreams. 02/24/1971

Answer 7

I think its never too late. Plus with 43 years of being single, I think you must be coping. I know the likelihood or a man over 40 getting married is very slim, but being gay, I'm not sure how that changes your stats. Try going to gay bars or go on a gay cruise (I know they exist) if you are still interested in religion, join a church that accepts homosexuality. You might find a few others like you there, plus they might be more interested in settling down than someone you'd meet at a bar. Try match.com, it can't hurt. You're never too old to give up, keep trying. Best of luck.

Answer 8

I can imagine it was a big thing for you to come out when you did. I think when we make a decision like that we hope that matters will only get better. The thing is you can make the changes in your life to bring more of what you want into it. Sometimes circumstances in our lives do not work out how we want, however you just have to be yourself and enjoy every day to its fullest. Just be comfortable in your own skin and be yourself and thats all you can be. Think positvely and smile (because i bet its a nice smile) as those two things will attract goodness and maybe even a life partner.

Answer 9

Gay or straight, at 43 you are entering the sexiest age of your life. It's common knowledge that men age like fine wines. Don't give up yet, when you least expect it, love will find you and you won't face a lonely life. Of that I'm certain. And God bless you, there are many churches that will accept you with open arms, you just may have to move in order to find one. I wish you all the best life has to offer and at 43 your life has really just began.

Answer 10

The best thing I can say is possibly you might end up alone, possibly you might not. It depends if that is what you really want.

I'm sure he wouldn't mind, but I'll use one of my closest friends, as an example. He comes from a conservative background, works in a conservative workplace and to all intents and purposes keeps his sexuality separate from the rest of his life. Then quite by chance through a mutual friend, he met another guy similar background, etc eventually by moving at their own pace it has evolved into a full blown relationship going from strength to strength. My friend is to borrow is cords 'The wrond side of 50.' Has all these potential hurdles in his life, but because of meeting the right person at the right time has found happiness.

I suppose what I'm really trying to say is we all search for happiness, some of us not really knowing what it is we're searching for. Some of us find it some of us don't. However what you need to do is always be positive never give up on going for what you want. If you want to be alone then great, but don't isolate your sexuality from the rest of your life, embrace it as a part of you. If you want a relationship then don't create barriers for yourself, embrace who you are and realise you have alot of positives to offer a potential partner. Sometimes in the greatest risk lies the richest reward! Good luck, my friend.