Why do parents come into IEP meetings and verbally abuse me for not doing a job that is literally impossible?

Question

They come in with these professional advocates and lawyers and their pre-packaged agendas for their children. It doesn't matter whether I'm there or not, they have DECIDED what the IEP team will implement, no matter what my input may be.

Answer 1

Did you know that there are federal laws that schools are suppose to follow in special ed? Do you understand the laws that govern special ed? Most times parents do what you are describing because schools do not follow these federal laws called IDEA, and they are only trying to get what their child is entitiled to by law. It's usually the administrators of the school who KNOW these laws and do not follow them. They cheat, lie, violate laws, and trick parents because they dont' want to help the children. Most times, teachers don't know this. They don't know the laws exist that THEY must follow if they are involved in the IEP process.
Most times teachers don't know WHY parents are so hostile, it's because school is not following the law. And I think schools don't want teachers to know what the special ed laws are, or they will 'find out' how corrupt the administrators really are.
This is rampant all across the country. To get more help for this, go to www.schwablearning.org and sign up for free on their 'parent to parent message board' you will get a great understanding of why this goes on.
I also agree that there ARE parents who are unreasonable with the schools.
It is the WHOLE IEP TEAM that is suppose to decide everything. If you really feel its' just the parents who are deciding everything, tell the district special ed director that the parents are not following the legal IDEA law process.
Other things are, even though your job might be 'impossible' if what the parent is wanting is LEGAL and if it's written on the IEP plan, it doesn't matter if it's 'impossible' or not, you and/or the school can get in trouble if it's not done.
From now on when you think something is impossible for you to do, tell everyone in the IEP meeting BEFORE it is agreed upon and written into the IEP plan. Suggest ways to help that you can be better prepared to handle.
I understand you really have children's best interest at heart. But the special ed game is the dirtiest one I have ever known and you have to learn how to 'play' it.

Answer 2

I often work with parents in IE meetings. The first thing I tell any parent I work with is to maintain a cordial and polite affect, even when they are seething with anger. Yelling at teachers, admin and people who really have no control over the final say in things really does nothing but alienate the parents and give them a reputation as being difficult and unreasonable.

That being said, many parents are so scared and angryby the time they reach the meetings, it is difficult to be anything but confrontational. They have been told services are not available, are getting conflicting recommendations from school specialists and specialists in the private sector, have been innundated with horror stories from other parents who have "done battle" with the school, the specialist, the advisor, the county. They know from past expereince they are their child's best advocate, have probably done it for many years and, in most cases, met a fair amount of red tape along the way. Simply put, they are tired, frustrated and worn out from trying to get services their child is legally entitled to.

Of course, all parents want the very best there is for their child. It is only natural. Many parents do not have an understanding of the way IEP's are implemented and what they are there to provide. They do not understand the testing process or how a disability is determined to "qualify" or not. They know of the programs that do the very best for kids in similar situations, but may not understand why their child may not qualify or why the public school is not willing to pay for private placement right off the bat. Or they may insist on mainstreaming when a child has disabilities and needs that would make such a placement too difficulte, challanging or unrealistic for the child, the the teacher and the rest of the class.

The best district people I have ever worked with go into a meeting ready to take the time and explain the process step by step, go over the testing results and answer questions, listen to what the parents say and why and then explain what the team has come up with and why they feel it is the best place to start. When met with hostility or angry parents, they excuse themselves for a moment or two, let the parents regroups and come back to the table. They welcome the addition of advocates and even lawyers since it will protect not only the student by the school as well in the long run. And they recognize that often times, a parents initial refusal of an IEP can be based more on the parents feelings of sadness, grief and loss than on any personal exchange. Educating a special needs child is incredably involved and intense, raising one is even more so.

And yes, there are parents that are going to be loud, rude and totally unreasonable in their demands no matter what. This is the nature of working with humans. But truthfully, most parents simply want to find the best possible placement for their child and figure yelling and threatening is the only way to get results. Grin and bear it...and know that you are doing work that makes a huge imapct on the lives of many children.

Answer 3

I just moved recently.I had no need for (back up) on IEP`s until now.I use to go to the schools daily if I had to.I lived within 2 miles from them.The teachers and staff knew me well.My childs IEP`s was agreed upon and the IEP`s was followed.Now I live 20 miles from the school and I do not drive because of medical reasons.The teacher called me about my sons behavior.I said Im not trying to get him out of trouble but has anyone taken his IEP into consideration.The teacher said what IEP.I see that as a huge problem.Im not able to go up to the school all the time to make sure teachers follows his IEP and all the modifications on it.Since my voice was not heard the first 2 times I was up to the school I will have to bring in a advocate and lawyer.His IEP is not being followed so I will have to tell these teachers how to do their jobs.It`s sad how teachers throw insults at parents and how they say they are not there to babysit.I know no teacher is there to babysit nor are they there to teach.They are there for the paycheck and it`s ashame.When I was a child all the teachers always told the students that they are their teacher and friend.Now a teacher loves to yell that they are not the childs friend.Anyways when I bring a advocate and my lawyer to the school I bet my childs IEP will be followed and I bet the teacher`s will feel just like you do.If a IEP says you must provide services or modifications for the child then thats what you must do no matter how much of your time it takes up.

Answer 4

The advocates are there for the children to be sure that the child qualification for the IEP is what it should be. To be sure that the child is getting the services that the child needs. It shouls not be decided by the parents alone or the team alone but by all involved what the IEP will be. We had the problem with a couple teachers where they felt they can't SEE the disability then it's not even there. I had a teacher yell at me in a meeting and you better beleive I layed into her. I am a parent trying to do what is best for my child. And if I have to raise my voice to get my point across then I will; however, the teachers need to be heard also because you are the ones that are with our children all day. Your opinion should be heard and taken into consideration.

Answer 5

Parents are always right ...they are the expert.

I can understand that it is frustrating if u are not being heard, but the process is about them, not u. They are living it and u are getting paid to be there. U are the professional and are there to support, as well as educate them ...assuming u r educated your self.

It is frustrating if they are slow to pick up the info u are imparting ...I am in the same sort of situation at the moment; I work with a person with a disability and his parents are more trouble than he is.

Perhaps u should ask yourself why the parents don't trust u and your service to do the right thing by their child ...why do the feel that they need all that backup, just to have a meeting with u and the other staff members.

Remember, lawyers and advocates don't come up with the 'pre-packaged agendas', they are there because the parents find it easier to talk to them than u. Advocates only come into the picture when a party is feeling disempowered and poorly represented. The presence of such parties indicates that the parents must find it very hard to interact with your service, so hard in fact that they have to bring in the big-guns so to speak.

U have to develop a relationships with the parents and the client concerned before u can expect to listen to u. U need to promote respect and rapport, otherwise, why should they listen to u? Who r u to them?

Show them that u are a professional who knows what u r talking about, but most importantly, show - not tell - them that u respect them and their child.

I wish u the best of luck :)

Answer 6

Because they get tired of being bullied and harassed by a system that is only concerned about the money and how well their schools do on standardized testing as opposed to educating their child.

You may have good intentions but, a number of frustrating things have happened to the parents and their child before advocates and lawyers get involved. The IEP team has already made implementations that did nothing or made matters worse.

Perhaps you are caught in the middle or perhaps you are part of the problem.

http://www.keystosaferschools.com/parent_article0405.htm

Answer 7

Verbal abuse is not appropriate and you have the right to demand (clamly if poss) that all at the meeting keep speech civil. IEPs are a very emotionally charged situation for the parents where they must face head on all their child's challenges and all their anxieties and fears for his/her future and their life as a family. This is hightened if parents have had a negative IEP or other school experience. This does not excuse abusive or inappropriate beh. but it is a good reason for a strong yet soothing leader to work with the group to keep things positive. Could the special ed coordinator, school counsellor, school pychologist, principle or last year's teacher provide this calming trusted, and fair authoritative voice during meetings?

Many children have no one except their teacher to advocate and the teacher is not supported by parents, speicalists, or the school in their efforts to meet special needs. Is there ant way your can be part of getting everyone on the same page and finding common goals? This really is more the job of the special ed coordinator to mediate and come on up common positive goals to benefit the child.

Are these "impossible" demands imposs. because you cannot carry them out while keeping up with your other responsibilities? If so, you need to suggest that the student have an aide. The IEP group can discuss how the program can be implimented and what role you will have; the role of a therapist who visits; the role of an aide; the role of special ed staff who take the student out of the room for some activities; etc.

Does the school make it imposs? If the facilities are not up to the demands of the student, the district can send the student to a special school instead (see APS or public).

If it is imposs. because you don't have the training? Then other staff with training should be called in or the child should be in a different class.

If it just feels imposs and you feel stretched beyond what you can handle you need to work with the spec ed coordinator to help you flesh out implimentation step by step. Hopefully the result will either be that the program is implimented well or the coordinator can authoritatively agree that it is impossible and can back you up and make changes needed.

You should document your observations of the student and what results you have seen and have copies for the next meeting as well as reviewing your notes with your special ed coordinator periodically so he/she has a sense of the ongoing process and can support you.

I hope this all amounts (eventually) to what is best for your student, and that you can be pleased with your role as a teacher.

Answer 8

When my son attended school we had an IEP.I went to all the meetings alone.I made suggestions and listened to what the team had to say.We always left the room in agreement.The IEP was rarely followed for his behavior plan. The school still called to inform me of behaviors.When I would ask about the modification plan,they would act surprised I remembered we had one.This is one of the many reasons I am now home schooling.Parents have the right to bring an advocate with them.No parent should set up the entire IEP.Talk with the team leader and voice your concerns.IEPs are suppose to be a group effort.

Answer 9

I don't envy you. You could ask for the parent to furnish information ahead of time so you can review it and use it in the plan you are required by law to write. A lot of parents are reacting to training they receive about advocating for their kid. They assume that their child's needs will not be met. They get online and read the horror stories. I think we all know who is going to implement that plan so just hang in there. You should ask the parent to not verbally abuse you in these meetings. You can ask them if they mind if you record or video the meeting. You are right it is almost impossible. Best of luck to you!

Answer 10

Reading the answers you have received, I think you have gotten a lot of advice from other teachers. And it is all good. I think a teacher is made in heaven. It is a special person who does this job, for all of the adult parents in America and across the world.
The only thing that I know is this, special interest groups have ruined it all. I agree that special education should be provided for special needs, as all are entitled to an education, but the lady who was telling of the parents who wanted to send their child to school who could not control her bladder, well they should be ashamed of themselves.
Look not everyone can do the same things other people do. It is not in the law of averages that this is even a workable situation.
That teacher should not be asked to become that child's parent. Or medical care person. They know that child cannot be placed into a classroom situation and it not be disrupted. What if her bowels can't be controlled as well. No this child should not be subjected to the embarrasment she will suffer either, if she is not capable of that emotion, then she is not capable of classroom type education. I am sorry. It is not for every one to go to public school.

I know this answer is long, but please bear with me. I have a point to make about the root question you asked.
The parent who has the feeling of guilt, embarrassment , or plain denial will treat you this way.
They want to make up for the feelings of disappointment and anger that their child is not mentally capable of what we deem as normal in America. So they do all of these things to bring attention to the fact that they are not at fault for the child being handicapped. ( I am not big on politcally correct garbage language okay?) They make loud noises, and do all kinds of legal hoohaa to make the people who they are trying to impress with their wonderful parenting of a slower child. It is all just so much poo!
They have managed to make the government place all the burden on you, the teacher. Sad but true.
So it is never going to get better, until people put their ego in a bucket when it comes to their kids, and what people think and say about them.
good luck sugar, you are going to need it