Poem ... but yea.. blah :D?

Question

Teddy come,
Let me hold you
I’ll protect you.

Hush now
Don’t say a word
Hush now
Lets hide from the world

Don’t say a word.
Under the covers we hide
Your hands over your beaded eyes
Pillows and more over your soft ears
Lets pretend we have no fear

Under these blankets we are safe
Here in my embrace is your place

Hush now,
Don’t say a word.
Hush now
Forget the world



(this was orginally the beginning, but now is the part 2)

Ignore it all.
The eyes who watch
The ears that listen
The conversations that stirs

Do not hold yourself to their standards of decency
To their thoughts of right and wrong.
Their morals and values are old fashioned
Not meant for man of this time.

Ignore the people you’ve robbed.
The tears you’ve caused
The hopes you crushed

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I know its repetative, but I find it flows if you read it aloud.. whatcha think?

Answer 1

I like the first part better especially about his teddy bead eyes

Answer 2

beautiful!! beautiful!!

one of the best things i've read on Y!A, you've obviously done this for years.

but i'll have to agree with you on one critical point: keep the first part and the second separate

teddy come... forget the world is really everything it needs. Adding more just reduces the whole (dramatic effect) it's balanced ( & decent) as it is

Answer 3

Personally, I find it juvenile, particularly the beginning, but great for the children's literary category. Are you aware that poetry is supposed to be a witty and sophisticated multi-dimensional metaphor and not a literal descriptive?

Additionally, each singular word is to be distinctly purposeful without the clutter of unnecessary words. For example, I took the second verse of your Part 2 and rewrote it to demonstrate these necessary points to you...

1) YOUR ORIGINAL VERSE:

"Do not hold yourself to their standards of decency
To their thoughts of right and wrong.
Their morals and values are old fashioned
Not meant for man of this time."


2) A REVISED VERSION MORE INDICATIVE OF POETRY:

"Cleave not to imposed decency,
To Psyche's ruminations of right and wrong.
Alien virtues of antiquity,
Incompatible to mortal modernity."

See how it can be written more concisely, and in a manner to evoke a beautiful mystery and thought provoking curiosity. Interjection of classic Greek mythical icons can be used as metaphors, like I used "Psyche" (the Mind) who is "ruminating" to represent "to their thoughts".

Here’s another example of metaphor used in writing poetic literature...

1) A SIMPLE UNDERDEVELOPED DESCRIPTION:

"The radiant sunrise shone magnificent rays of light upon the blue waters of Lake Hesperia."

2) A MORE CLASSIC AND REFINED VERSION:

"His Apollonian Majesty, aroused from languid slumber, burst forth radiant effulgent rays upon the scintillating liquid sapphire of Hesperia."

Here I used the personification of the Sun, Apollo, to be a metaphor for the Sun. The phrase "aroused from languid slumber” is the “sunrise”. Instead of “literally” saying “lake” I used the metaphor “scintillating liquid sapphire” to represent the body of water. See how much more rich this is, and more poetic, and how images of beauty burst from the very words, themselves.

I would highly encourage you to invest in a good thesaurus, learn of symbolic metaphors, keep a “Metaphor Log”, and live and breathe the dictionary. Most of all write, write, write and write, and never be satisfied, always revise, revise and revise, always making it better, reediting, rewriting, recomposing, etc.

Most of all have fun. Words can be “delicious” and you will soon develop a hunger for them. Enjoy!

Answer 4

C-.....