Problem with mother of boy I mentor, Help!?

Question

I mentor 14 yr old teen and I have a problem with his mom right now. I made plans to take him to a sporting event this Saturday and had cleared it with her several weeks ago. I bought tickets ($50). I now learn that they are going to New york city that day only 5 days before. Also, I need to tell you, he isn't doing well in school and one of the incentives I've given him to improve is grades is that if his next report card is good, that I would take him on a trip to New York for the weekend ( we live fairly close to NYC). This is a trip that he wants to do. His Mom is aware of this incentive and his grades have not improved. I feel that she is totally undermining me on trip and I'm pretty upset about it along with the fact that I have made time for her son and bought tickets to the event. We have been open with each other in the past. Should I confront her about this? Should I explain how I feel about this trip? Should she be taking him to NYC when his grades are not good?

Answer 1

Sweetie,i think that it is absolutely wonderful that you are doing this for her son.However,ultimately it is her decision when/if he goes on this trip.Although,she is his mother and has the decision i think that you should sit down and find out the situation.Something possibly could have come up between the time you made plans and now,and until you figure out the reason for her taking him to New York City,you must not say anything to her.If she is doing it because of his grades,bring up the fact that you had made plans for him when/if he brought up his grades.Tell her you feel as if she is (Whats the word im looking for),rewarding his bad grades instead of waiting like agreed until his grades were brought up.Honestly,if she continues to give him trips and such for bad grades,he is going to continue that behavior as he knows he still gets what he wants.However,if it is a family issue or something of the sort,then you must understand it isnt for the childs enjoyment.Ultimately,she has the decision and you must respect that.You both should come to an agreement,depending on the situation.Good luck sweetie.Have a good night!

Answer 2

I am involved with a mentoring program at our school and the parents provide the incentives and they sign a contract to avoid the problem you describe. In fact, the district won't allow gifts from us valued over $10 because they could be misconstrued and easily get out of hand. His mom can take him anywhere she wants. So your opinion of the NYC trip is just that, an opinion. I worked with a student whose mom refused to give him a place to do homework and spent her afternoons at bingo refusing to show up for contract signings.... what I learned is that by 12 or 13 the student needs to understand that its his responsibility to pass-- because its his future at stake. The real payoff is supposed to be an education and a future. Its a good opportunity for you to help him figure that out and figure out where he can get support (lots of kids can't get it at home....but he needs to figure that out on his own, all you can do is make suggestions for additional support like peer educators, library, net, mentors, teachers, the weird smart kid in class, etc.) and, this is an opportunity for you to enforce the limits of your agreement....no grade improvement no trip with you. I would ask mom if she can pay for juniors ticket so she knows she left you hanging. I might also mention that I was disappointed that her trip turned out to be to the same location that junior was promised as part of the contract...and ask the two of them to come up with a new incentive...chances are she won't pay, so you'll have to unload the ticket yourself. In the future, I would make sure junior has some sort of investment in something this expensive. If you can't use the ticket...give it to someone who deserves it (you'll feel better) or donate it to a church (they will find someone to use it)... all the best to you. Lastly, our mentors dont come up with the goals or the incentives that is done by the school counselors...which leaves the mentors to mentoring.....your school's program might need to be tweaked...there are probably others in the same situation. Thanks for all you do ..... mentoring is awesome.

Answer 3

First, how wonderful it is that you would give your time to mentor someone. You should, of course have a conversation with the mom but you have to keep in mind any possessiveness on your part will be taken wrong. Frankly if I had young children right now in this sick world I don't think I could trust anyone with my kids. You are trying to do something good, but really its difficult out there. You need to talk to mom but tread lightly. If she is against you then its over between the two of you. Its her kid.

Answer 4

Well, she is his mother!

It sounds like she wants you to know that as ,well!

You might ask her to re-pay you for any losses but unless you can do a better job, convincing her, than you did, when you planned the sporting event, chances are that you might have to eat the fifty bucks!

Were you going to this sporting event with the kid or letting him enjoy the sports event on his on?

Were you motivated more on rewarding his mother or giving him an incentive?

Go figure!

Answer 5

I would totaly have a discussion with her in reguards to not only her lack of gratitude for you taking any kind of part of her childs life and yes, she is undermining the good things that you are trying to do for HER kid. Speak to her please. Did she agree to these conditions before you told him? if not then that could be a problem. Sorry, I wish I could be more help. good Luck.

Answer 6

No, ur kida creepy for a mentor.Its their family business even if his grades r bad.