College application essay critique?

Question

Please read it here, thanks.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/User_talk:Redboard99

Thanks, Jetgirly. I totally agree with the Drew part. Bear in mind its for the ivy league, so somwhat elevated diction is the norm, so long as you can control it.

Answer 1

I like it! I think your topic is well chosen, and your experience is nicely expressed. As a previous poster wrote, this is a first draft. Here are some pointers for your second draft.

First paragraph:
won't (you forgot the apostrophe)

Second paragraph:
All right ("alright" is not a word).
As I surfer (typo. as "a" surfer)
so, in retrospect (no comma needed after "so")
details are a bit raw (is "raw" really the word you want here?)
thought about quitting (I'd elaborate on this, inserting one more sentence here. Talk about your emotions.)
After some thought... (Perhaps a bit more elaboration here as well. "Thought" changed your mind? What did you think about?)

Third paragraph:
were finally coming... (why the tense change? why not "came"?)
I had been (again, why the tense change? why not "was"?)
bombarded me with questions; (colon here, not semicolon)
"Why are you doing that?", (eliminate comma)
interact (is that really the word you want? It sounds stilted here.)
my own board." (question mark here, not period)
Bearing in mind what I had just learned about teaching, (eliminate this clause. All you need here is "I happily obliged.")

Fourth paragraph:
By the time Drew... (This sentence needs some work. Split up the thoughts into distinct sentences. In the first, mention Drew's success. THAT'S the joy of teaching. In the second, talk about how his success spurred you on.)
took pictures of the process and assembled them... (Clarity needed here. Break up your thoughts into several sentences. Add detail about your process. Write about photographing each step, and about the necessity of writing clear, simple prose to explain the process. Write about assembling the book, and finding a publisher.)
I have had the privilege (Rework this sentence. I'm not wild about "had the privilege." "I've sold copies of my book..." might be better.
inspired to take up my trade, and, (Break up the clauses into two sentences. "... my trade. Who knows, maybe..."

Best wishes to you!

Answer 2

Your choice of words in your introduction paragraph are fine and it does not seem like you used a thesaurus. Anyway, you are applying to an Ivy League school and having good verbal skills is never frowned upon.

You should rewrite the sentence "By the time Drew (blond kid) finished his project". You can eliminate the need for parenthesis if you introduce his name in the previous paragraph when he is introduced. Perhaps like this:

"Eventually, a kid with shaggy blond hair, Drew, mustered the courage to ask."

Your writing is quite natural but the paper could possibly be considered too casual. However, as a university lecturer of English and Applied Linguistics myself, I do know that the Ivy League schools pride themselves on diversity. You never know, the school that you are applying to may never have had a surf board shaper or builder before. They probably never had one that write a book on the subject. You may want to add bibliographical information at the end of your paper, and I really think that you should site the title of your book in the paper itself. It is a noteworthy accomplishment.

Let me know if I can help more. Good luck

Answer 3

It's a decent first draft. If you are applying to an Ivy League school, then you might want to use those big words you you mentioned.
You need to watch grammer and break up ideas into paragraphs. Add details and information...you speak about Kelly's suf board experience in the intro and then get to yourself later. You should be included in the openning...just a few thoughts..good luck

Answer 4

The first sentence or two don't sound natural. They sound like you used a thesaurus a few too many times. Look for ways to make those sentences more simple. Everything else is really good, right up to

"By the time Drew (blond kid) finished his project"

This is not gramatically correct. Try writing,

"I learned the boy with the shaggy blonde hair was named Drew. By the time he had finished his project..."

Answer 5

you try too annoying with better words than necessary and performance did not capitalize "Coca-Cola" besides as "Ivy". that's too plenty in so in elect of an essay. An social gathering from what you wrote: "Exacerbating the region, yet another one among my older male cousins, who had obviously heard the accomplished verbal substitute, haughtily requested, “the position is my sprite?” At that aspect, i grew to develop into into enraged to infinite depths. I felt my face substitute into warmth because it took on a deep red complexion. I shouted, “flow get it your self! you've legs!” With bitter discontent, and a probable disillusioned expression, my older cousin muttered some thing alongside the lines of, “how disrespectful.” Oh, the irony." i'd attempt this: "To make themes worse, a second older male cousin who obviously heard the accomplished verbal substitute requested, "the position is my Sprite?" through skill of then my anger reached its snapping aspect and that i'd favor to journey my face substitute into hotter because it took on a red complexion. in line including his demands I shouted, "Get it your self! you've legs!" annoyed and with a disillusioned look upon his face, my cousin muttered some thing to the authentic results of "How disrespecful." Oh, the irony." no longer the important acceptable edit on my end no matter if that's slightly better effective and would not look like that's attempting so annoying.