Been married for 6 years. Lived with in laws for nearly 5 of them. Have 3 small children. Hubby refuses to move out, says "we can't make it on our own". Mother in law is a controlling wicked old bitty. She talks down to the kids. He talks down to me. I told him I couldn't take it anymore and for the last week he has been on his best behavior. I am sure it is only temporary, it's a cycle. Emotional abuse has turned this 41 yr old women into a self concious self doubting insecure woman. I don't want my kids to grow up with her and I don't want them to see how he talks to me and thinks it's okay. Now my question. Stay in the house and put up with it? Apply for assistance and get out asap? Pack the kids and leave the state to avoid the ugly outcome when I do go? I know I need to leave, just not sure how or when and if I have the guts. help.
2006-10-30 10:02:15 · 22 answers · asked by Catherine M 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
You have to think of the kids. Is this the best environment for them to grow up in? Sounds like you would answer "no" to that question.
Give your husband a firm date that you and the kids are leaving. Tell him that you would like for him to come with you, but the choice is his. Then do it, even if it means that you all live in a studio apartment. It would still be a better environment for the kids than one of bickering and tension.
2006-10-30 10:05:43 · answer #1 · answered by Royalhinney 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
First of all, realize who YOU are inside. You shouldn't be self concious or self doubting, nor insecure, however I do understand where you're coming from. You've all ready begun the steps towards stepping out on your own by admitting it's a cycle & realizing there's a huge problem. I'll be honest, it sucks to be in this position & it's scary, BUT you can do it! You still have a good head on your shoulders, you know what your children need & what it will take to survive both emotionally & financially. If you are planning to have sole custody of your children, make sure you get sole physical custody. Do this before you up & leave to anywhere. If he or his mother decides to be nasty about it, they could say you kidnapped them & you don't want that! I'd go ahead & apply for assistance & prepare to move out. Make sure you have things set up ahead of time so you won't have to struggle to make ends meet afterwards. Then take a leap of faith & move out. With God, all things are possible. :)
Making sure you do things legally will not only help you along the way, but it will show that you are the better person for doing things the right way & not stooping down to their level. It will reaffirm you do have the guts & you stand on what you believe in.
2006-10-30 11:49:19 · answer #2 · answered by its_me_horses 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
living with parents or in-laws is hard, it always rub's things up the wrong way. If you know you have to leave and it sounds like you do, there will never be a right time for it there will always be a reason not (tonight maybe tomorrow) to say anything. you have to decide you have to make the decision you have to find safety within yourself for you and your children and then you have to break free from them maybe your husband will follow maybe he won't but it's something only you and you alone can do. big breath and just say it. (i'm sorry i honestly can't go on like this we are a family and we need to live like a family and that means on our own not wiht your parents either you agree and come with me or me and the kids are going without you). That's obviously if you want him to come with you. You never know he may grow up and respect you afterall he is but a child himself still being cared for by him mum.
Hope all works out well for you.
2006-10-30 10:11:34 · answer #3 · answered by kittycat 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You are right. Abuse is a cycle. It won't go away and he is emotionally abusive to you. It has happened for a long time and he will not ever stop it. If you move the emotional abuse will go with you and it will probably get worse. He has low self esteem.
It shows in what he does and how he acts. No one can fix that but him and he doesn't sound as if he is willing to do that.
Now the choice is yours. Be the person you want your children to be. If they see abuse they will think it is acceptable.
2006-10-30 12:54:43 · answer #4 · answered by heartwhisperer2000 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Been there, done that. My kids are now in their twenties and 30's, they applaud that I had the courage to leave. We've talked candidly about the crap we all went through, me thinking I was staying for the kids sake and putting us through more hell. When I left it was like a million tons lifted. I got excited about the possibilities of my life, my future. Is it scary, oh yeah, but God loves you and he will provide. Some one asked my daughter at a youth conference who her hero was, she said 'My mom of course, she's the bravest, strongest woman I know.' She didn't know I was in the back of the room. I'm glad I role-modeled that for her that you don't have to take it, if you're not happy, you can leave.
2006-10-30 10:11:20 · answer #5 · answered by Boots4ACowgirl 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
CATHRINE............Leave as soon as possible. That isn't a healthy environment for you or the children.. No one has the right to talk down to you and or belittle your children. Those babies are yours... Many women use the excuse of my children are young, I have no money, where will I go. Hell just go. You don't have to leave the state unless you want to. Go to a center for mt=others with children. Your husband is something else... Just get out of there ASAP........For the sake of your babies love them enough to give them a happy home.
2006-10-30 10:10:14 · answer #6 · answered by happy 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Move out with the kids, tell him he can come too if he wants. If he doesn't then file for divorce and get custody of the kids. My ex was an emotional abuser and my kid saw him treat me that way. I didn't want her to grow up with thats how men act and treat women. I got married and moved from California to Toronto, Ontario. My kid doesn't see that anymore and her personality is much better for it.
2006-10-30 10:09:04 · answer #7 · answered by B 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You are going to have to set everything up before you leave. Make sure you get your ducks in a row and then just disappear. You have to stay strong for your kids and I agree with you as far as the mess. It's obvious that he doesn't want to try to make it with you and the kids. Get away as cleanly as you can. The kids will suffer for awhile, but when they see how much happier you are in the long run, they will be too. God bless, stay strong for those kids and yourself. Good luck!
2006-10-30 10:13:00 · answer #8 · answered by honeybee4u2c 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If you find it hard to leave, remember that you're doing it for your kid's sake as much as your own. You don't want your children growing up in an environment where they feel it's OK to talk down to you & other people. But don't leave without talking to your husband beforehand.
2006-10-30 10:11:16 · answer #9 · answered by xprincess_porkiex 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I honesty think that if you still love him then you should try to move out of the in laws house and get counseling. If you truly love him then just don't leave without trying everything first. Trust me you might regret it. I left on a whim too and i realized i wanted him back. He took me back and we are great now but just try everything before just giving up. As for you maybe get a make over to help YOU!! Good Luck
2006-10-30 10:07:29 · answer #10 · answered by Alisha C 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋