Separating - How Best to Tell the Kids?

Question

Yesterday, my wife and I agreed to separate, after 12 years of marriage. It is a very amicable split and there are no other parties involved. Finances are not a great concern. I plan to get a small flat locally in the next few weeks. We have two boys aged 8 and 4. The only concern is how to tell the boys, and to re-assure them about their natural concerns. Any advice, ideally from experience, would be appreciated.

Answer 1

Sorry to hear about your separation, sometimes it just doesn't work does it? My marriage has ended too, was with him for 17 years, no other parties involved either. We have two young children. one is a toddler so we just kinda went 'blah blub gaga, mama and dad loves you hun!!!' (you get the idea!) The eldest was the difficulty. He's 7, he just did not get it, we've been honest from the beginning and sat down with him whenever he wants us to, let him ask any question he feels he needs an answer to. For a while you could sit and talk with him for ages, explain that mummy and daddy aren't going to live together anymore, that we both love him dearly and will both always be there for him etc etc, He'd listen and then turn round and say, oh ok, i get it, but daddy when are you coming home???? Honesty, truth always, keep saying the same thing, no bitching. Expect it sometimes to be tough, that there will be some anger at some point, but it is hard for everyone, even when it is amicable. It's the 'acceptance' that we all have to go through regardless of whether it's from the child's view, yours or your wife's. My husband and I agreed too that it was time to call it, but when it is over it is still a kind of grieving process for the 'changes' it brings and for the 'loss' of future plans that you know you will no longer have together. What I've said almost belittles the impact of it all on the kids, it is really tough, it is going to be tough, i've found so far what works best for our kids is to just keep being honest and reassuring them they have a 'family' still, that the extended family on both sides are still the same and that they will always be there for them too, as will mummy and daddy whenever they need either or both of you (this time of year, christmas is the toughie, we've agreed to be together for this one). Email me if you need to. It sounds like you guys have really talked about it, that's a good start. Best of luck to you both and your boys.

Answer 2

Sorry to hear about your situation. I've been there, done that, and have never met a divorced or separated person who didn't dread the talk with the kids more than anything in the world. In fact, I'd have to say that facing "the talk" with the kids is the number one hardest part of going through a divorce.

The first thing to remember is that separating, (and possibly divorcing) presents you with a series of very hard challenges. I got through them, one at a time, by reminding myself that once I completed one, I wouldn't have to face it again. It was over and done with, and the healing from that particular thing could then begin.

The hard things vary with each situation, but usually are something like this: tell the spouse you want to separate/divorce, tell the kids, move out, tell the family, tell the coworkers, find a place and actually move out, file the papers, meet with the attorneys, figure out the custody situation, begin sharing custody, figure out the allocation of assets, figure out the new relationship with the in-law family members, go to court, face the finality of being single again.

None of these is easy, but telling the kids is probably the number one hardest.

It sounds like you and your wife are doing this the best way possible, remaining amicable and civil, and that you both have the kids' best interest at heart. I suggest you two talk about how to tell them, and if that goes well, you do it together.

Of course every kid is different, but you should make sure they know that you two are going to live in different houses because you are not happy living together, that it is in no way their fault, that you both love them very much and that you know this will take some adjusting for everyone. Most of the time kids look at the news in a very concrete way and want to know exactly how this will affect their day to day life, like where will the pet live and can they have their favorite toys available to them. Reassure them again and again, and encourage questions and open ongoing dialog.

Timing "the talk" is important, based on the ages of the kids. No need to tell them if it's not going to happen in the next week or two, because they don't understand time the way we do and that would be a big stressor hanging over their heads.

I found some great picture books about divorce on the web (Amazon) and a book by American Girl publishers on divorce for my almost adolescent girl, and these helped a ton. We read them together, and I also left them sitting out and available.

I also had my kids see a supportive counselor for a few months, just to give them a place where they felt they could talk and have some support. They still remember that as a very positive experience.

Good luck.

Answer 3

reassurance, help them not lose their trust and feel secure, help them understand that they are not going to lose one of u. u ll say it exactly as u said it to us. talk with your wife and make the arrangements on where the children will live, how many visits they will have, who will be responsible for them at school, who will make the decisions concerning the way u want them to grow up, any practical thing u can think of, so that when u tell them u will set the limits too.
Ask them how they feel, tell them again and again that u love them and that this has nothing to do with them. it may takes a bit time for them to realise it, besides even u wont realise it unless u live separately to see how it is and get a final divorce :) give them time, they may get angry, be ready to accept their anger and answer their questions. do not pretend nothing has happened, because something has happened, it doesnt matter how friendly a separation can be, it is still a loss for all of. and a loss not only for a person but of practical things, everyday routines, and habits.

u could also get a few counselling sessions if u feel u can not handle this ok.
and please dont tell your children not to cry :) just hug them it is the best way to express their emotions and get over something. explain to them that it was hard for u too. in general make them to feel comfortable to talk about it and express their feelings about it.

take care

Answer 4

Just be honest with them, definatly reassure them that it is not their fault in any way. You need to keep reiterating this as well, kids really do blame themselves (I was one). Tell them your going be local and really try and keep it amicable with your ex. Make sure you and your wife are both there when you tell them and have plenty of time to answer any questions etc they may have. Because of their ages they probably won't fully understand. Try and keep their normal routines in place, they'll need the reassurance. It's going to be awful however you do it, glad to see you've kept it amicable though it'll help so much especially with the kids. Good luck.

Answer 5

My parents also are getting a divorce. I am a kid myself. I think the best way to tell them is to just tell them that you guys are going to be married anymore and you could cheer them up by saying they could have 2 christmases and 2 birthday parties. But if i were you I would just stay together for the kids. Thats what I wished my parents would have done. but its really painfull to here your parents arent in love anymore. You should also visit them often and act like the divorce never happened. Also live close to their house so they can visit you whenever. And also DO NOT make them feel left out if you get married, that makes any kid VERY hurt. I know the feeling. So I wish you the best of luck.

Answer 6

Since it's amicable, discuss the conversation between yourselves, and then go and tell the kids honestly what's happening, stress that it has nothing to do with them and you both love them very much and will try to have it affect them as little as possible. Put aside lots of time so that you can answer all their questions, there may be a lot of practical questions and the emotions will come later, so be prepared for more than one talk.

Answer 7

my dad left when i was 12, and it was hard, mainly because one minute he was there and the next he was gone, a whole week later, i was informed that he wasnt' coming back... i think i would of respected and reacted to it all differently if i was told the truth from the begining....

children are valuable, and need to be reassured the whole time, if promises are made keep to them.. you sound a decent person, because of ur concern for ur children in this, and that is great.

when me and my ex split, i had a daughter of 2 years old, and i still sat her down and explained that daddy didn't live with mummy anymore, but she would see daddy when ever she wanted to. I even gave her a picture of me and my ex together, so that she could always keep it. (things like that always seem to be the things that disappear)

good luck, and hope it all goes well for u in the future.

Answer 8

When my parents split up i was 5. How they told me was good... They sat my brother, sister and me down and told us together. They explained that they would still be our parents and love us but would live in different houses. They explained straight away when my dad would visit us as they had it all organised.

Encourage them to ask questions if they're unsure or worried. Give them time, it will be hard for them. Try spending some time with them indiviually so they can talk to you, do something fun so they know that wont change. Get the routine organised as fast as you can. It's great that you are both on speaking terms, my parents haven't spoken in 16 years!

Good luck!

Answer 9

Sit down with your wife and pray about it. God will give you the words. Speak from your heart. Kids know when you are being real............and they listen with their hearts too.
Reassure them by letting them know that you both will be there for them. Set up a calendar when the whole family still goes to movies, out to dinner, etc. so that they still have the family unit in tact even though you will be living in seperate places.
Eventually, you can do this less often if it is too stressful for you and your wife.
Ask the kids what the both of you can do to help ease the pain.

Answer 10

u may think that they do not know what is going on but u r wrong 8 & 4 r very observent so they know u 2 dont like each other like b4 so just tell them dont beat around the bush be honest n allow them to ask y which they will ket them say who they rather live with that should be their choice and let them know that u will c them every weekend and make sure u tell them that just cause u 2 r no longer 1 that dont mean that its wrong to want to be with the other parent and tell them that u all r still a family .... family dont always live 2gether but u will still love them just the same.... good luck n GOD BLESS