married 10mnths,he has left work,i dnt earn much,and its very hard with the bills etc.I wsh he cud work again,bt i know he`s not well,im willing 2 support us both,but he keeps telling me2 leave the house(move out),says hewants2 be alone,says he wnts 2 end the marrige,i get so confusd,i luv him2 bits,worst thing is i cant afford 2 move out,pay my own bills,and support him as well,i moved out last mnth,but had problems there,so he let me *** back,i help with the bills n stuff,but 4 all i know 2moro he myt wake up & decide 2 kick me out,and i begin 2 feel lyk im letting him down if i leave,he has even told the council ppl,that we no longer live 2geda.if i ask him where does he expect me 2 go,he`ll just shrug his shoulders & say"WHEREVER,INNIT".Talk about making love,Ive become a proper virgin,but thats the least of my problems ryt now.He doesnt even want 2 have kids anymore,and i adore kids.What does a woman do in a situation lyk this,i wnt 2 b there 4 him,but tym is not on our side.HELP!
2006-10-30 09:11:05 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
All the things your husband is saying is coming from the depression. I went through severe depression for 9 months. I wanted to stay in the bedroom all the time, sitting up in bed with a duvet wrapped round me and didnt want to go out of the house. I couldnt give a toss whether my husband or son were there or not because when I was with them I picked amazingly stupid arguments all the time. They were amazing because they just took it and walked away - often my son would come in with a cup of tea despite how horrible I was - it was as if to say "You're forgiven, and I'm still here for you, when you need me."
I got to see a counsellor and she helped me sort things out - my family at home were nothing to do with the cause but because they were the closest to me I took everything out on them - that is what people in depression do.
It took me 8 sessions of brilliant counselling, lots of prozac, and 9 months off work healing time, but I am back at work now, off the tablets and am a much stronger person. The problem will be that the longer he leaves getting help the longer it will take to get better. I was persuaded to go to the counsellors for an hour a week. She set me targets to work on my problems.
What you need to do is to stick by your husband and persuade him to get that help. At the end of the day when he does eventually come through this your relationship is highly likely to be far stronger than it has ever been, and the chances are you would then both feel ready to begin that family. If he is depressed there is no way he would be able to cope with children at present, in fact dont mention it, it is pressure he can do without, just for the time being.
Time and patience are part of the healing process believe me - I've also seen it in others in my family, the ones that do pull through are the ones who have that support in the background.
If you leave now - he will get worse, he needs to be encouraged to face whatever it is that is depressing him, and he needs to be able to confront that.
Of course it is possible that it is your relationship that has sparked it, if it is - then he still needs to be able to voice it rationally and he will not be able to do that without help.
At the moment you cannot believe what he says because the depression is talking, if he still says the same things after counselling, and he is capable of sitting down, giving reasons and telling you properly that is how he feels, then that is the time to move on.
For the time being your husband needs to draw strength that someone actually still loves him, no matter what he's like.
For yourself though you need to find someone you can draw strength from to help you through this. Find someone you can turn to, you dont say whether you have a mum or a sister or a friend but a good listening ear is what you need.
Above all find someone to talk to, not to text to, but someone who can be in the same room as you, whose shoulder doesnt mind getting wet sometimes.
Best of luck.
2006-10-30 12:44:14 · answer #1 · answered by ShumB 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Well I must say u r strong to want to stick by his side but these probs he is having is something he must deal with on his own.thtere are things in life some people have to face on there own.Right now he can't see past himself and his pain so it would jsut casue u more pain to try and stick by. by all means stay concerend and be a friend when he needs one but never stop living ur life and ur dreams. He can't enjoy life at this moment but u can and u should take advantage of that. You know u should move on if u were to sit back and read ur words u would know what the answer is. You have a good heart to be so concerned but u can't save everyone....save urself some heartache and move forward. good luck
2006-10-30 09:51:03 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 1⤋
After a very hard interpretation I think i get your meaning. First let me give you a hint about something. Use English Honey, you'd be surprised at how well it works.
You husband sounds like a typical depressive. Has he been to a doctor yet for an evaluation? The doctor will probably send him to a consular or a psychiatrist with his moods.
I've been through this myself, it's hard to see the one you love falling apart and there's nothing you can do. You may need help yourself, be careful.
2006-10-30 09:25:42 · answer #3 · answered by cowboydoc 7 · 1⤊ 1⤋
MOST IMPORTANTLY - is he getting help for the depression??
My ex was diagnosed manic-depressive in1990 - so I have some understanding of what you are going through
be careful that you do not get dragged down by him
for yourself at the moment ; make sure you have outside interests that can get you out & amongst other people; also check with your local community centre/council to find out about any support groups for family
do you have friends/family you can move in with - at least for a little while
no matter how much you love him you - you need to think about what is best for you- dont let that love destroy you (that was happening to me & was part of why I left)
if you look/ask around you will find help for yourself & move on with your life
if he is not prepared to help himself then NOTHING you do will help either
email me if you would like to talk
EDIT*** after reading the answers before mine-people who suffer badly from depression just want to shut down & close the world out- it is NOT something you can just *snap out of*- sleep a lot to avoid facing things- incapable of thinking about anyone but themselves
so you really do need to think about what is BEST for YOU
PS some GREAT answers
2006-10-30 09:30:29 · answer #4 · answered by fairypelican 6 · 1⤊ 1⤋
You need help. He is running your life as well as ruining your life . He live and sponges off you. You say he wants but what about what your wants, your needs. You need to figure that out what they are and strive to get it. If he doesn't want to be included then you need you do it on your own and I'm not just talking bills. I would like you to think about getting yourself help so that you don't become more depressing then him. Maybe talk to some one about helping get a place and get your stuff meaning head together. He can help hiomself if he wants yo. His pitty party needs to stop. You need to get out and grow a backbone them deal with him. You have to heal yourself before you can help him.
2006-10-30 11:32:11 · answer #5 · answered by popcorn 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
sugar pie dont mind those smart arses i suffer from same thing and you can get help for your husband your local g p is your first step albeit on your own or with a family member i had all the same symptoms but i fought back 6years ago it a was rough because nobody knows what it is like till they get it i even got my job back if your husband is that bad your doctor might get him in to a special hospital unit for your safety reasons (temporery) to control his moods which is the main cause of the problem dont despair it will work out in time please let me know how it goes if i can help you i will love is strong medicine
it all ways works you will see stay in touch if you can best wishes Alan
2006-10-30 10:31:52 · answer #6 · answered by not a mused 3 · 1⤊ 1⤋
Go back to college and learn to use the English language properly. Reading this is like watching the Jeremy Kyle show.
2006-10-30 09:32:41 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 3⤊ 0⤋
Ok - first, there is nothing you can do for him. He has to do it - get guidance, probably get on an anti-depressant. Sounds like he is too far from this point. If you stay chances are you will get physically hurt or mentally beat to a pulp. I am sure there must be shelters for women in your situation. Their counselors can guide you in a direction which will get you employed, on your own and not falling for the same kind of guy again.
2nd - write in english, please. If you want to be taken seriously you need to communicate properly.
2006-10-30 09:20:35 · answer #8 · answered by Book0602 3 · 2⤊ 1⤋
you may love this man to bits, but it's time to open your eyes to the facts. you are living your live and not his. you need to figure out how to live your life the best. have you ever thought that maybe he doesn't want to progress in this relationship? seems to me that he really needs to get his act together and stop bringing those who love him down. if he doesn't recognize that, you need to get out of there and start anew. surround yourself with friends who CAN help you. you're still young and you still have a whole life ahead of you. don't depend on people who dont' care about you. he doesn't want kids= looks like he isn't husband material. this is not a healthy relationship, and you need to leave him be. let him seee what he's lost and show him that you've moved on.
2006-10-30 09:20:04 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 1⤋
it's really hard when you love somebody but you need to remove yourself from the situation for the time being untill he can sort himself out, it ent no good you wasteing your life on a man who is unstable. Get your own place, you will manage and just be there for him. If he knows you can stand on your own two feet, the threat of losing you will encourage him to buck his idea's up. Come away from the situation, even if temporary for both your sakes. It's not fair on you
2006-10-30 09:21:31 · answer #10 · answered by DONNAIS 2 · 1⤊ 1⤋