Depressed and just wants be strong?

Question

I was illegtimately set up 6 months ago by my exboyfriend to get pregnant....3 weeks after we had sex sure enough i had a missed period and was preg. i was 18 years old at the time and on my way to an ivy league school. I decided in my heart i would have the baby cuz abortion is against everything i believe it. when i told my parents my father wnet balistic on my boyfrined and went after him and kicked me out. my boyfreind ran away and i havent heard of him since... i heard he was now in the marines...never nthe lesst i was put in a situtaion and was forced to get an abortion. i was very eaarly in the pregnancy, not even 6 weeks when it was done through pills. I am very depressed and am in school. I am starting to date anyother guy and am bringing in striaght a's but i still cant get over this. I feel like such a horrible person. I would be 6 months along right now..., please i need some words of wisdom

I was just touching up on a few points that probably seems shaky. Yes i did chose to have sex, but i was on birth control and later found out when i discovered i was pregannt that my borfreind changed my pills to blanks *which is a crime that can be considered rape* and he admited to it aand then said he had planned to start a family with me.... in my opinon he pretty much had it all planned....

Answer 1

I'm so sorry for what you're going through. It will be VERY difficult, but what you need to do is forgive.

I can't tell you how, I don't even know how. I have problems with forgiveness myself. All I can say is ask God to help you and just keep asking. Don't give up. Seek forgiveness. Seek to forgive, and ask to be forgiven.

How do you forgive when you haven't been given an apology, noone's tried to make amends with you, and you feel like you were trapped?

First of all, and this part is going to be the toughest, but you need to take responsibility for everything you had any control over.

1. You made a BIG error in judgment in dating the guy who manipulated you. Acknowledge that! You made a mistake, you're human, other people have trusted men who were ax-murderers. It's not that hard to be blinded by love, and you were.

2. Whenever anyone has sex there is always a risk of pregnancy. Birth control pills offer a false sense of security. I'm sorry you didn't know that and trusted them to keep you safe! The safest sex is no sex, or sex within marriage when you're prepared to get pregnant.

3. You chose to have an abortion. Acknowledge that! You were in a very tough situation, and the other choice was to go against your parents' wishes, but you did allow it to happen. You went against what you believe in. Many people have done the same, and your regret is understandable. If you really were forced to have that abortion, then your mistake was allowing that to happen. Telling people you were pregnant who then made you have the abortion.

4. Now you are continuing to feel badly about what's over and done with. Choose to acknowledge the things you DID do to contribute to it. Stop blaming it all on other people. Repent of what you've done, ask for forgiveness (foremost from God, then your parents if need be).

5. Do not expect anyone else to own up to what they did that was wrong. I don't think this situation was all your fault AT ALL. But if you play the victim, you'll continue to be a victim. Just know in your heart that you made a mistake, and know even more that your loved ones who SHOULD have known better encouraged you in the wrong direction. But if you keep hoping for other people to realize that they contributed to the loss of an innocent victim's life, you could be hoping forever. Just know in your heart what's right is right and what's wrong is wrong.

6. What's done is done. Mourn your baby, do not let people tell you you should get over it in a set amount of time. But try not to wallow in it, don't dwell on it. Maybe you would have miscarried anyways, maybe your child would have had a horrible birth defect, or maybe your child would have been a brilliant member of society. It doesn't really matter now because your baby is dead. Don't try to pretend or deny any truth. Denial is NOT healthy.

I hope you understand what I'm getting at here. I know I don't know your exact situation. But I do think you had a choice, and a few choices along the way too! People manipulated you into making the wrong decision, but you still made the choice to have sex, the choice to go to your family for help, the choice to follow their advice even though it was BAD advice.

The good news is YOU STILL HAVE A CHOICE! You can choose to seek forgiveness. God will forgive you NO QUESTIONS ASKED, so start there. Then ask Him to help you forgive yourself. Once you've gotten that far I think you'll be okay. I'm not saying it's going to be easy, but from there you can learn to forgive your parents, and the father as well.

Forgiveness does not mean forgetting, but it does mean letting go. I hope you take the best out of this terrible situation, and I pray that you find a terrific husband to father your children. God has a plan for your life, and experiences like these will make you very strong and very wise, as long as you choose to learn from them and get through them!

Answer 2

If you are a Christian, God will forgive you, if you ask. No sin is too great for his forgiveness.

If your not a Christian, look into it as it will really help. Start off with some of the mild denominations such as Methodist or Lutheran... maybe Catholic would help as you can confess more directly.

Don't use the thought that it was all for the best since the jerk didn't have enough guts to get back with you and help. That just delays the guilt and tries to sweep it under the rug.

Only God knows if that baby would have survived to full term. Not you or anyone you know can say for sure if you would not have had a miscarriage anyway. Not all pregnancies result in a live birth.

I don't care what the law says, at 18 you are still a child. As you grow older you will realize how much you are still a child. By 21 you would have different convictions and strengths. You are probably seeing that now as you realize this is your life... not your dad's, not your mom's or your boyfriend's. Your decisions now affect your future. It is just as important that you don't mistreat yourself since there will be many lives you will touch over the years and those people need you at your best.

Your follow up is a little funny... It's not "rape" to get someone pregnant. It is rape to force sex on someone.

You're not using good logic right now and probably have a hard time thinking with the stress.

Answer 3

I don't know what to tell you as far as how you feel. That is a hard thing to do, but if I were you I would attempt to get some counceling from the school if possible. If not maybe a local mental health clinic. Don't be asshamed either. There are a lot of people that go to mental health for help and you don't have to tell anyone if you don't want to. Don't let the fact of letting the child go like you did. Sure it goes against your grain, but if you think about it, which would have been worse. The child not existing or being in a orphanage until he or she was 18 years old. I have a very close friend that was an orphane and he said it was a very rough life, so don't be so hard on yourself. It does damage to a child in there, when they see other kids taken away and they sit there year after year waiting to be adopted. For you, you did the right thing. It's the ones that could give a child a fabulous life and have abortions that are in the wrong, not you.

Answer 4

They shouldn't have forced you to get an abortion your 18 it should have been your decision. your story is so sad. It may take a while for you to get over this feeling but look at it this way your in a great school and now have a chance to get an education and make good money and then bring along the kids. Also, if you were still pregnant would you be with the guy your with now some things are meant to happen. Keep your head up. Good Luck in the future!

Answer 5

That's quite a history you have--but life isn't over yet. Life doesn't come with a rewind button; that's both good and bad. It's good because mistakes are powerful teachers... yet bad because mistakes often carry lasting consequences.

My wife has been in a situation very close to your own, but with a difference: She miscarried. Her boyfriend at the time was nowhere to be found (he did a pretty good disappearing act as soon as she'd told him she was pregnant) and she had some very difficult decisions to make. The miscarrage pretty much answered everything for her, but taught her to use birth control until she was with a guy with whom she felt confident would stay arround. I'm happy to report that we're taking steps toward In Vitro (I'm sterile, thanks to cancer treatments--but I'd banked sperm beforehand) and couldn't be more happily married. I guess my point to this little ditty is that things can just as easily start going good just as quickly as they went bad.

You made a choice that you feel terrible about, and had consequences to pay for it. But you can't undo the past. You have no control over what's already happened. However, you're in full command over what your future will be like in terms of attitude and the decisions you make. KEEP pulling in those A's in school -- that transcript follows you around for life. And don't be afraid to follow your heart with your new boyfriend... nothing ventured, nothing gained. I would advise going on the pill and staying on them, as well as insist that any partner you have wear condoms. This way, you'll be showing yourself that you've taken steps to not let this situation happen again. You may also be surprised that there are support groups that you can attend with others who are either in, or have been in, something like this; ask your local hospital's social worker, who should be able to point you in the right direction.

Answer 6

Right or wrong, what is done IS DONE. What you feel is normal, just remind yourself that do not let this weigh you down indeinitely. You need to look forward to the future. It's easy for others to play the blame game. But NOW is the time that you pick up after yourself and move forward. See a counselor, bring out your sadness, guilt, regret, whatever. These things should not harbor in you. Time will soothe your pain, I've heard people that had abortion took 1-2 years to get over. It is a big event in your life, you have to accept the fact that it happened, and NOTHING you do now would change it. So don't dwell on it, let it be a lesson to you and move on!

Answer 7

Ok now, do you know GOD...at least my GOD.

God forgives me everything and takes me back everytime I ask.

You are normal. Yes, you are very normal, and had a bad situation and I believe your early pregnancy was real and that God took the blessed spirit right back to heaven.
If you don't believe in heaven, then I can't help you other than to know that you are normal.

You have a right to get depressed every now and then...if it lasts more than 6 weeks, then please get help.

You are not a horrible person. You are a person who went through a horrible situation. You addressed what you could face at the time, and that is the best that you can ever do.
I believe in you and in what you are facing.
Please be careful with the guy now, as I believe you are rebounding.....and that happens when we have any loss of a love.

Remember you still have to go through all 5 stages of grief whenever you have a loss of anything or anyone:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining - if I didn't do that, this wouldn't be happening, if I never to something again, can I be good?
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
In order to get to acceptance, you must go through all 5 stages. Anyone who tells you differently, or that they skipped through or never had some, either don't remember or are lying to themselves and to you.

Remember GOD always takes us back, just they way we are.
If you don't feel close to GOD, who moved?

Answer 8

You have to remember that you have not gotten pregnant several times not wanting a baby and went to have abortions. This was something you were against and you now know how to prevent this from ever happening again. You will be your own person and be able to make decisions on your own one day. You have the rest of your life ahead of you and you will get stronger with time. You will not get over this over night, it will take a little while. Just remember that one day you will have a beautiful family with as many children as YOU want and you will be a wonderful mother. When that time comes you will have learned very valuable lessons that will help you with the raising of your children and accepting their mistakes. Hold your head high with your dreams for your future.

Answer 9

My dear...there are no words that anyone will be able to speak that will ease what your feeling...only time will heal that type of hurt! Abortion is a personal decision that only you could have known if it was best for you or not..i am sure that you did in your heart what you felt was best for your baby. And no matter what anyone else says that is what you have to believe for yourself. My only advise to you is now that your dating someone else don't have sex unless you are prepared to deal with the consequences..protected or not you can still get pregnant all it takes is one "oops" and you will be in the same situation all over again. Your heart will always hurt but maybe in time the pain will not be so unbearable.

Answer 10

First of all I dont know how you were set up to get pregnant. You chose to have sex so it was your choice to take the chance. Second you were 18 no one could force you to have an abortion so once again it was your choice. If you cant get over it then that probably means you did the wrong thing. All I can say is maybe time and this new relationship will make you deal with it better. But I would suggest not having sex with this one.