Ladies, I need your input on this one.?

Question

Before my wife of several years and I ever even met, a single male freind and I would while away a few hours in a topless bar, maybe 2 times a month. Not flinging money at the dancers, but definitely enjoying the view, if you know what I mean.
Since my wife and I have been together, I have not been back.

Here's the question....

Why does she still hold this against me? and what can I do about it?
Apparently she feels justified in trotting this out every time we disagree on her looks. I think she's a stunning woman, with voluptuous curves, but she sees her curves as a negative, as she does not match the "dancer" physical type.
Apparently, my having spent time looking at scantily clad women in the distant past implies that I want to continue doing so, even after 8 years of fidelity.
How can I help her get over this? How can I keep from going nuts when she trots out this broke-down old horse at every opportunity?

Answer 1

If all you are saying is completely true and honest...then it sounds like she is displacing her own negative body image issues onto you. Most women have some sort of body image issue. Whether they want larger breasts (or smaller ones), longer legs, better hair, more curves (less curves) - the media does not help validate a woman in her "natural" state. Women in magazines are primarily one body type: thin, thin, thin
So, for some women, they compare their own body image to these and feel bad about themselves.
For YOUR woman, she is even more sensitive because she probably believes that, if you had your choice, you would prefer to have sex with someone who looks like a stripper instead of her. So what you see is her lashing out at you because of her own insecurities.
So what can you do? It will be up to her to make peace with her body at some point. However, you can do some things to make her feel better. I love the idea from another Answerer to kiss every inch of her body and tell her how much you love her. However, it is going to take more than that. You'll need to be patient with her, offer lots of praise, and have a serious talk with her where you say something like this:
"It makes me feel very frustrated when you imply that I find other women more attractive than you. I have told you many times that I find you to be a stunning woman with incredible curves. I prefer YOUR body.....and most importantly....All of YOU....over any dancer, stripper, model, etc...... It hurts that you don't have enough confidence in me, after all these years, to know that what I tell you is true. Please don't doubt my love for you, and my attraction to you. What can I do to help you feel better about your body?"
Hopefully she will see that the problem lies with HER and not YOU.
Good Luck!

Answer 2

I was the same way with my husband when I was pregnant and after I had our baby, when my body was'nt at it's best, I felt bad that he had to look at me naked, so I hardly ever wanted sex-If he went to a strip club, I felt very insecure because I know all those women looked way better than me. But I took hold of the situation and fixed MY problem. I lost weight and now I know I am sexy-we have sex all the time and we go out together all the time- I really would'nt care if he and some of his buddies went to a strip club, because I knew he was coming home to ME.

Answer 3

I can sympathize with both you and your wife on this issue. My husband used to go to strip clubs too, and it made me feel very insecure at times. But I've also come to realize that it is only human nature that we like to look at pretty things. Men and women alike. I was always worried whether he found me attractive, or not, but I don't really worry about that much now because he tells me that I'm attractive and he wants to be with me sexually and otherwise. I think you need to find ways to boost up your wife's self confidence. Let her know you think she's pretty, and let her know how much you want her. Hopefully soon she'll be able to leave the past where it belongs. In the past!!

Answer 4

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Answer 5

Uh, she has issues. There is nothing wrong with a strip club. I've been to one a few times, but just to play pool and drink beer. And make fun of the dancers. It's cheap entertainment. I'd say invite her out and show her that it's not all lap-dancing and drooling. Seriously.

Answer 6

She is blessed that you aren't going now. My husband went twice a month ago (and got lap dances) and I am pissed about it still. BUT he went a few times before we got together and I could care less. I don't care if single guys go but married men have no business being there. I don't know what to tell you. Women remember everything though.

Answer 7

I think that if she stills holds this over you then you should not be with her because it seems like she doesn't trust you because if she did she wouldn't be like that and obviously you don't want her to be like the dancers besause you woulndn't be with her if you did so sit her down and tell her this and then maybe she will change her mind about blowin up every time you dissagree

Answer 8

She does sound a little insecure. I'm curvacious but I have the self esteem to go with it. She needs some self esteem building. There is nothing wrong with you, though.

I hope she knows that you will eventually tire of her insecurity. Tekl her to email me and I'll give her some tips!

Answer 9

That is one of the most infuriating things a woman can do to a man. I mean, it's almost impossible to argue! You want to change her mind, but she just gets mad and accusational. One thing I like to use is the joke-y pre-emptive strike. For example, she asks, "Do these pants make me look fat?" You think, "Uh, oh, here it comes." But instead of being nice, pull a joke on her. Smile and say, "Well, you'll never get hired as a topless dancer, but I think you look great in them!" Exaggerate your voice for effect, so she can't possibly miss that you're joking. You'll see that by bringing it up first, you will have stolen her thunder. Try it, it works.

Answer 10

Try taking her to the place you and your friend use to go so that she can see that she is much better to look at than those other women. Also you may want to try to compliment her more on her appearance once in awhile to make her feel better about herself. I would also not bring up the subject anymore of your past, Tell her that you dont want to talk about the subject anymore because its old already and you dont do that anymore so there is no reason to discuss it. How would she like it if you were constantly questioning her about something she did in the past.