Grieving husband places blame?

Question

My husband lost his mother alomst a year ago. It was sudden and tragic (an fatal illness that came on suddenly). She was only 55 and he is 36.

Since then he has obviously been greiving as have i. I miss her dearly and daily can;t believe she is gone. My parents are in their 80's and I never expected seh would be gone first.

He has come to "hate" me and blame me for many things. He says he doesn't think he can get over how he feels about me. He blames me for a fight I had with her once where we yelled at each other, he blames me for many things. He kinows it is irrational and her deat wasn't my fault but he is blaming me ( and himself too for many things) but he thinks we will never be able to work it out because he can't seem to let that go.

He is in counselling.

Has anyone else been through something like this? He is currently living at home but staying in the guest room in the basement. We have two small boys(under 3) but he doesnt interect with them much since she died

Do you think he can get past something like that? I know many marriages fail after a death but it is usually a child. He is even resentful that I spoke at her funeral when he and his uncle could not do the ulegy and they asked me if I would! I was also the one who had to tell him she had died.

I don't blame hims for the resentment, it is natural but will it end our marriage?

THEN he gets angry at me when I am nice and make him special dinners and look after him because he says like he is atking advantage of me....ARRRGGG!!!

Answer 1

Grief takes on many features.
Transference of guilt, anger, and emotions on to an object of affection is a common aspect if the child has unresolved issues with his mother. Patience is a difficult road to hoe when you are in the thick of someone elses grief.
My wife lost her father at a young age, and 20 years later she is still chewing on the emotions of it. And I get to be the target of her transference. It's not always fun..

The loss of someone at at early age is more devastating then someone that has lived a full life and has made their time with their maker.

I am patient, I tend to call her on it when she is sitting in her poop. She snaps out of it. She conttinues to see a counselor weekly ans has done so for quite a while.

Inform him he needs to pull himself out of his shell and become a member of the family.
I hope his counselor is working with him in a rational reality based method. Often times counselors tend to push for "exploring" the past. This is not what the griever needs. They need to brought into the light of day. Give him "tasks" to do with the kids, Go on dates.. Get out of the house. Go for walks together. It may seem like a lot of work at first..

Begin (on a walk) by saying, "I know how difficult the loss of mom has been, it's been difficult for us as well" "But, WE (the kids and yourself) NEED you to be present...

Answer 2

Oh wow. He is haveing a very tough time. I have a feeling that the two of you had problems before she died but they weren't obvious.
He is also attacking the closest thing at hand to blame-- you.
I lost my dad when he was 64. I lost my 21 year old son 4 years ago. I lost a best girlfriend when I was in high school. I am just saying this because I understand the grief that happens with an unexpected death.

I personally have put some blame on my X for my son's death. Only once have I told him that. I know that if I continue it, it will destroy me and the rest of the family. Even if it is true or partially true it won't change things. Even my own guilt won't change things.

Your husband needs lots and lots of counseling.
You need counseing too, not because you are doing something wrong, but becasue you are being the brunt of your husbands pain.

I can't see you and the kids being able to be around him much longer. He may need to seperate himself from everyone to pull himself together.

God bless you all.

The problem here is that you can't fix him, the counselor can't fix him, he needs to work through this himself and make the changes needed to put his life back on track.

The fact is that death is part of life. It isn't fair and never has been and never will be.

You husband has pretty much died along with his mother. That is a very sad choice to make.
Would his mother want him to destroy his family and his life because it was her time to pass? She would want him to make the best of his life because he doesn't know how long he personally has and sinse we just get one shot at this life, we need to live it well. Grief is part of life, but we can't let it destroy us or those around us.

You children are an extention of your husbands mother. He needs to be their father.

He is going through an extreem - over reative greif process. Not a healthy place to be, emotionally, physically, or spiritually. He can choose to lose his marriage and his children and maybe his job. I don't know what the answer to this is. He may pull himself together and your marriage back together. If he can't, you will have to make the choice of getting your self and your children to a more managable life

Answer 3

I would not tolerate that treatment if I were you.

First of all, you should not be treated badly under any circumstances...especially if he is a mature human being. You need to be firm and put your foot down. Tell him that you love him and understand he is going through a hard time. At the same time, let him know what you've done for him and that you do not deserve to be treated this way. He needs to acknowledge what is going on, and he needs to acknowledge how good and patient you are being with him. He should be grateful and not resentful towards you.

Secondly, you may want to consider asking his counsellor for couples counselling.

Thirdly, the fact that you have two boys and that he doesn't interact with them is a problem. Somebody needs to tell him to stop being selfish and at least 'make' an hour or two of 'happy time' available for the sake of his children.

Fourthly, sometimes these things take time. Optimistic patience and prayer can help.

Best of luck.

Answer 4

i'm sorry on your terrible loss. i does not comprehend a thanks to attend to it myself. yet i comprehend that blaming everyone, inclusive of your self, received't do something yet ruin your peace of ideas and probably each and every thing else you nonetheless have going for you. you're dealing with a grieving procedure it really is typical and organic. locate some counseling for your self and probably your husband. that is the mother who suffers the most even as those products take position, in spite of the indisputable fact that the daddy is likewise at a loss. He in all likelihood has no theory a thanks to convenience you and he's also in all likelihood as afraid and at a loss for words as you're. locate someone specialist to communicate over with. i imagine it really is how you'll locate peace. once you've a church your pastor or priest, or what have you ever, is a good starting up aspect. good luck.

Answer 5

I think it's good that he is in counseling, that is a sign that he wants things to be better. Can you have joint counseling sessions so that you can both be involved sometimes? Above all, be supportive. The fact that you realize that he is having a hard time dealing with his mom's death is a step in the right direction and will help you deal with the situation. Atleast you know that there is a reasoning behind his feelings towards you. Good luck to your family.

Answer 6

It sounds like there is much more going on with your hubby than just his mom's death. There are much deeper issues....its good he is therapy.
I know this is going to sound harsh but perhaps its time to separate for a while...really separate. Have him get his own place and don't spend any real time with him until he has his head on straight.
Don't cut him off totally, if he wants to see the boys, let him.
Good luck in whatever you decide to do.

Answer 7

I am sorry to hear this is happening. My boyfriend lost his mother tragically this past year as well, and he was extremely close to her as well. She was 53 and he was 20. He hasn't been placing blame on me, but he is grieving, and his father and sister (both people who ignored and treated his mother like crap) blame him and are bitter towards her. Whenever he mentions his grieving, they say "She f***ed up our lives, how can you want her back?" "Don't you remember all of the bad times with her, how can you sit here and still be missing her after a year?" (also a lot worse) He is alone and only has me to help him back up his mom and himself.

Let him know how much you loved and cared for her, and that you are grieving as well. Let him know that you love him more than anything and you are here for him. He needs to know how much you truly cared for his mom, and I have had to do this as well with my bf. Help him through his grieving, he needs you and clearly doesnt have anyone else close to him that is trying to help him out. Unfortunately you are getting the brunt of the situation, because he feels that anything that may have been negative between you and his mom (at this time) may have made you less concerned. Although we know that is not the case, he needs to know you care that much about him and his mother. Remember he needs you, and help him through this, it'll pay off in the end. I hope it all gets better, he just needs that grieving time for himself, because it was so sudden (like my bf's) and trying to froce him out of that could be catastrophic for the two of you and your sons. Let him know that his sons need him, and that he needs to be in their life just as much as his mom was in his. That it will make a difference for him as well. Good luck, and hang in there. Everything will work out, I am still going through the grieving process with my bf, and with his dad and sister, we have a terrible situation to go through because of how they treat him while he goes through this. I know I need to hang in there with him, because he needs me. I hope it works out for the two of you.

Answer 8

Mothers and sons...there is no bond tighter and stronger in the universe... you will find out when you boys start to grow..oh there will be phases where they will ignore you and hate you but... they will ALWAYS LOVE YOU.... you said your husband is in counseling (Yeah!!!) that will help him work through it.... but what may help if only a little bit is to tell him ...He carries his mother in himself in his blood and that her grandchildren (your sons) do to....and that she is always in his heart and theirs literally.. counseling takes time so be patient

Answer 9

I know you're looking for some answer on here, but my first response to your question is that you and he may benefit from seeing a counselor who deals with grief.

I've been through my share of serious, big, losses; and I have learned that while the first year is the roughest , it really takes a gradual process over five years before one day one wakes up and kind of thinks "Ok. I'm ok enough with it now."

At one year your husband is probably just starting now to deal with the realities of his loss because for a good, long, time after losing a parent we can remain numb and in need of putting the thoughts of it "away" because we can't quite deal with them very much beyond responding with horrible grief.

There are, as you probably know, stages of grief; but now experts are even saying that the description of the stages of grief may not be sufficient, and there are more expanded descriptions of what people go through. Anger is part of grief, and although people may go through the stages of grief differently, anger and blaming tends to follow shock, disbelief, and denial (if I recall correctly).

Depression can also be part of grief, and what's difficult is that once a year has passed people tend to expect the bereaved person to be ok - but the reallity is it is about at a year when the numbness wears off and the dealing with it without benefit of numbness really may kick in. If your husband isn't interacting with your little boys it has to be about his own mental/emotional state and certainly not about them.

As someone who has always dealt with my own grief in my own way, I've never felt the need to talk to any counselor-types; but - you know what - 30-something years after a tragedy I went through it occurred to me that a counselor would have been able to tell me what to expect over the years, and I wouldn't have spent decades muddling through phases and figuring it all out as if I was the only one who had gone through such a thing.

My point is even if you or your husband don't believe you want to see any counselor to "re-hash" (the word I've always thought of when counselors are brought up) feelings, if you look for a counselor who can tell you what to expect it could help both of you understand everything better. My "thing" has always been that the ideal counselor would give people information rather than ask them to just talk about what they're going through. I think that's what you should look for in a counselor.

I have no way to know if or when you husband will come out of what he's in, and there's the chance it won't destroy your marriage; but there is also the very real chance it could.

If there's something like blaming going on that will make cracks in the foundation of your marriage, and that's what your marriage could be standing on in the future - a cracked foundation. A counselor would help him properly direct any blame or else see why someone can't be blamed or else talk about the blaming phase of grief.

Every death - whether its an elderly person or a younger person, someone who dies suddenly or after a long illness, etc. - is awful and has its own set of awful things and regrets and feelings of guilt, etc. Every person deals with grief differently. Misunderstandings occur when one person thinks one think should be done and someone else wants something else done.

A counselor would probably help both of you understand why each of you feels or acts one way or another, and even though only time will make you and him feel better; at least having a solid understanding of what and why you're both going through may help patch up any cracks that may exist between you.

I've found one thing people in grief need is a mental rest and some experiences that will help fill their head with something that is at least pleasant. The person who doesn't have enough pleasant or happy experiences or events to think about has nothing in his head but stale, grieving, thoughts. People can't make the grieving thoughts go away until they process them all, but they can give themselves a mental rest by thinking of something pleasant or doing something pleasant or even laughing, which gives the mind/body a little boost in brain chemicals and can begin to help the person be better able to deal with the very real loss that still plagues him.

The newer, expanded, explanation of stages of grief includes things such as feeling disorganized and fierce longing. You may want to do some research on the different explanations of stages of grief if you haven't done that already.

Everyone I know says the same thing about getting to the first anniversary after a death - it is horrible to discover how much they haven't gotten anywhere near over the loss. They all say the same thing - that it feels almost as bad after a year as it did after a month.

I'm not an expert, but my guess is you wouldn't necessarily have to worry about his numbness and staying off by himself, but it would seem worth looking into counseling if he's blaming you; because even if he'll get over that on his own, you're having to live being blamed right now. Maybe a counselor would help him move out of blaming you sooner. Maybe you could talk to him about missing time with the babies that he won't get back, and see if he'll go with you to a counselor as a couple.