I have known my 14-yr-old stepdaughter for only eight months. Her dad and I have been married for four months. She lives with her mom full-time. There are also three stepsons who live with us 50% of the time. I have a wonderful relationship with them! They are 11, 7 & 6. My stepdaughter has had a bad relationship with her dad since he split with his ex (who had had an affair, and wasn't interested in reconciling). She poisoned the daughter against him. He has tried and tried to have a relationship with her, but it is like a rollercoaster...off and on like a light switch. Now her reason for not seeing him is ME! She told him that she doesn't respect me, and that she probably never will. He told her that he's sorry she feels that way, but that I am his wife, I have never mistreated her, and have loved her just like I do the boys. We invite her over, to go on outings, etc., but she won't come because of my daughters and I...who have only treated her with respect...even though she always acts like she is mad at us. At one time she and I were friendly, and she and my daughters even called each other sisters (they are 12 & 14, by the way), but her mother ruined that too. Should I even try? Even my husband wants to give up. I know he can’t and shouldn’t, but should I try to contact her at all? She and I used to e-mail all the time, but she stopped responding to me. Is there anything I can do? Is there anything he can do? We don’t want to “lose” her.
2006-10-30 05:26:03 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Your husband can't give up on her but if I were you I would back off. You are not going to be able to undue the poison her mother has planted in her. She will come to realize the lies as she gets older. If I we're you I would probably email her one last time and let her know that it is the last time you will be trying tocontact her. Let her know how much you love and care for her and hope one day she will realize that. Let her know you will always be there for her if and when needed and to feel free to come over to the house or contact you ANY time she feels like it. Then you should be done with it. This doesn't put pressure on her and it puts the ball in her court. G'luck!
2006-10-30 05:47:35 · answer #1 · answered by Mean Carleen 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋
You have done all you can do!. It's the ex-wife,who's saying bad things to your daughter about you and your husband. The "ex" was jealous of the relationship you had with her daughter,which is why she's "bad-mouthing" you. She can't stand it,that you are a good Stepmom to her sons,and also a good mom to your own children. She fells that you have "stolen" her entire family,and you are not about to get her daughter!. (Now) It's going to be a little difficult for your stepdaughter to trust you,because naturally she's going to obide by what her mother's told her. The only thing I can suggest is this: Your husband has to tell her why her parents are divorced (the true reason),because she is old enough to understand that. She knows the both of you love and care about her but,it's her mother who's interfereing. Ask her to air out her feelings,and let her talk,without interrupting her. She will soon start to "blurt out" what's on her mind,and this is when everyone will get a clear understanding. Your heart will tell you and your husband what the next move should be. (Good Luck)
2006-10-30 14:00:41 · answer #2 · answered by Squeakers 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I lost my mother when I was only 3 years old.my father married when I turned 6.That was many years ago but at the time I had little or no respect for her.She try ed very hard and I never gave her any chance at all to be my Friend.Since then My Father has died.Today I call my stepmother Mom.
I have the deepest respect for her.She was young when her &Dad were married.I don't know why I'm telling you all this except your step daughter needs to except that if she likes you or not you are her stepmother and I hope you will be for a long long time.Try telling her you love her and do things togather.Help her with school projects Go with her to school games ect.I'm not any help but I really hope the two of you can get togather.She has a life time ahead.To dislike someone whom loves you will make life miserable Good luck to you & her and all concerned. Oh by the way,I'am 68 years old my wonderfull step Mother is 86 years old.She didn't
HAVEto take me in. and niether did you Again lots of love & luck to you both.Jerry D.Freeman
Freeman9780@sbcglobal.net
2006-10-30 13:56:14 · answer #3 · answered by I'm Jerry 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋
14 is so tough. And it's really tough when your parents have split. I say don't give up on her, and she's not going to change instantaneously, but with her Dad continuing to love her and a stepmom who supports that, eventually she'll come around. She's got some growing up and maturing to do and it may take a few years. I know that may not sound so hot now, but what you do now will pay off later. She'll respect you. If you give up on her, you'll do exactly like she thinks you will and you've got to prove her wrong and that you're a better person than that and that you do care for her.
Try doing little things like emailing her a free e-card once in a while. Stay involved with her somehow.
Remember she is still a child. And shame on her mom for doing that to her children. But you know what you just gotta do the best you can and forget about the mom!!
Good luck!
2006-10-30 13:40:07 · answer #4 · answered by Auddi 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Never give up and never stop trying. As she gets older she will gradually be more independent in her thinking and will start to see things beyond what she is told. I know it is a tough situation and it may be many years down the line before things change but that change can only occur if you continue to leave the door open and keep trying. Remember, she is just a child and really isn't doing anything wrong. You husband needs to make sure she stays apart of your families life even if she doesn't like it. Time and your actions over time are the only things that can really change the situation.
2006-10-30 13:35:10 · answer #5 · answered by rkrell 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
She is young and will come around at some point. Just be yourself and let her go through whatever it is she needs to. She is getting to the age where she can make her own decisions on how she feels about others and no matter what her mother says, she will make that determination on her own. Keep included her in whatever you do even if she doesnt choose to do it. Don't take it personally, let her get through through this phase. She may never want a relationship with her Dad and you, but that would be her decision and you have to live with it.
2006-10-30 13:34:01 · answer #6 · answered by notfreeinnh 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Sounds like you have already lost her! I'm an only child and I come from a broken marriage as well. I say give her time....as she grows older she'll realize what she is missing out on. I did! But on your part, don't stop trying, continue to show your love for her, no matter how frustrating it gets, when she turns you down...let that just be another stepping stone to concurr her love!
All the bests for a successful relationship with your step daughter.
2006-10-30 13:33:24 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
She's 14 and is going through pain and turmoil that her parents have put her through. Now she's got you, the step mother that she's supposed to like. Give her a break. Be the adult and understand that her world has been torn apart by her parents. Be kind to her. And I don't understand for 1 second how your husband can just want to give up on her. It's his daughter!
You both need to take a step back and think about what the girl has been through.
2006-10-30 13:31:32 · answer #8 · answered by Royalhinney 7 · 1⤊ 1⤋
Unless you have irrefutable proof that the mother has "poisioned" her against you I'd cease the finger pointing. At her age most girls start looking at their father's as role models for the type of men they will be picking someday as THEIR husbands. Since her mother has custody of her she probably feels that her mother is the only one she can lean on at this time. She is going through a rough time right now, puberty, her parents split, her dad remarrying. That's a lot to dump on a kid, but stop blaming her mother. Do you think your kids would like it if their step parent said the same things about YOU as you have been about her mother?
2006-10-30 13:53:14 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
Don't give up on her. Key word s-DAUGHTER. Stay the course you've been on. You sound like a very kind and thoughtful s-MOTHER. She has had a pretty bumpy ride with her mom and her dad and her dad's ex's. You may just be the one she'll look for to what's real in her life. Keep showing her who you are and can be to her anyway you feel comfortable and just be patient.
2006-10-30 13:46:19 · answer #10 · answered by areyoukidding 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋