Why would one expose a secret in this manner?

Question

I met my wife 17 years ago. She was 18 and I was 23. We have been married for 16 years and have two children 16 and 12. Up until last year we lived in a very nice neighborhood on a private golf course and for all intesive purposes lived what most would consider a very comfortable life. Last year my wife convinced me to move to her hometown (population 600). In the year we have been there I have had individuals approach me about knowing my wife when she used to live there. Seems she like to party quite a bit which matters none to me. However I also found out that my wife got pregnant and had a child when she was 13/14 and the child lives nearby and the childs father also lives in the area. My wife was upset that several individuals spoke to me about this but what I don't understand is did she possibly think that secret was going to stay that way in a small little town. My question is if someone had a secret like that why insist moving back 18 years later and risk being exposed?

Answer 1

I would think since she is your wife she should of told you about this child. There should not be any secrets in a marriage especially one like a child. How can she not tell you and not want to be in this child's life. Your kids are going to be shocked as well knowing that they have a brother or sister around. She probably wanted to move there so she can be around her first born child maybe she thought that was the best way for you to find out. I would be very upset though if my husband came out and said he had another child by another woman and never told me after 17 years of marriage. I would have a long talk with her and ask her why/

Answer 2

You know what, the past it the past. She probably just wanted to move on with her life. These strangers are rude in telling secrets, but then again in a town of 600 secrets are not kept long. Talk to your wife, she seems up set with the idea that you were told, try to find out why she is, there could be a good reason. After 16 years of marriage, do you have the trust needed in your wife, or are you going to let the town take it away?

Answer 3

I believe she really, consciously or subconsciously, wanted you to find out. She probably couldn't tell you herself, and every day she kept it a secret made it harder to tell you. Although it is something I would have wanted to know before marrying her, its not like she cheated on you. Talk to her. Did this child influence her decision to move back? Does she think she 's going to be part of this child's life now, after having missed so much of their life? There will be some tough decisions to be made here, but I think you'll still be there to help her. Remember, as traumatic as these little revelations may have been to you, having them revealed must be killing her. I don't want to minimize the situation, but it'd be a shame to trash a 16 year marriage over this. Help her deal with it. Good luck!

Answer 4

I think she probably wanted to get close to the kid and was afraid of you finding out. It's sad that she never told you. Maybe you can ask her why she never told you. My guess is that she was afraid of losing you or afraid that you would think less of her. It all happened before you were married, so hopefully you won't hold that against her, but she still kept a very big secret from you for years, and I'm sure that's painful. Hopefully, you can forgive her in time. Now the big question is, will this child become apart of your lives? I think that's a tougher question to answer than whether or not you can forgive her for keeping you in the dark.

Answer 5

I don't think she considered that. If you've been living rather anonymously for 16 years, in a commuity where people only know you as you've been recently, you forget how small town/ small minds don't forget. I would have thought that the townsfolk would have had more compassion for the child and kept their mouths shut..or forgotten the history. I think you need to shut down the gossips. If they come to you with a story about your wife, tell them you're not interested and close the conversation. I think you should have done that when they started flinging mud on your wife to begin with.

Answer 6

I don't know why you moved there. But I think that maybe she felt if she stayed away long enough people would forget. I don't think it was any ones place to tell you what happened 18 years ago. Obviously your wife never mentioned this and I think that maybe you and her should try counseling. Something like this can shatter a marriage. You have made it this far... I hope that things work out for you. Sorry.

Answer 7

Obviously, she thought no one would talk about it, and it doesn't really bother her that much or she wouldn't want to go back. She wants you guys to be happy there. She was thinking of the family, not her own 'secrets'. She sounds like a good lady, but she made a mistake and yes, she should have told you about it. It will affect your lifestyle there. If it was secrets about partying and who she hooked up with, then no, no big deal, but having a baby? That's a very big deal. She should have come to you. Tell her that she needs to come to you about things, no matter how scared she is. That is where all the trust will come in.

Answer 8

She may have thought that it was all behind her because she was not living there anymore. Small town talk remains forever and she should have thought more about this before moving back and she should have told you about this before hand to avoid this situation. Maybe she didn't tell you about this and knew that you would find out this way and she wouldn't have to tell you, not knowing how you would react to it. Ask her if that was her intention. But the past is the past and should be let go.

Answer 9

Maybe she was hoping that it was forgotten by now. I know that some people think that time heals all wounds and she may have thought that. In regards for her to be upset she does have every right, some people just have nothing better to do with their time then to start problems and to upset others. I wish you all the luck in the world to get through this one, and I hope that the people in your little town learn to mind their own business and not worry about other peoples lives

Answer 10

She obviously knew it would come out. Maybe she couldn't find the right words or the right time to tell you herself. I also think it's nobody's business to talk about things like that all these years later.Of course, that's a small town for you. Have you talked to her about it? You need to have a sit down talk with her about it and do your best to be understanding. She was very young at the time and I sure she did what her parents wanted her to do.I wish you both the best and hope you can work it out.