When the darkness closes in and you lose your will to fight;
I am the tiny ray of hope and the speck of silvery light;
That peers through your dark and dingy thoughts to bring you back to life.
When the coldness creeps upon your toes and threatens your waking moments;
I am the stranger passing by with ever thoughtful comments;
That willingly provides the knowing smile to help you on your way.
When the tears fall uncontrollably upon your clammy cheeks;
I am the shadow by your side that need not hear you speak;
That listens only to unspoken words to lift your saddened heart.
When the calmness takes you over and you seek a new direction;
I am your faithful searching arrow the soul of your discretion;
That guides you from the living hell and helps you find your purpose.
When life seems hard to comprehend and all your hope is gone;
I am the child who takes your hand and helps the day be done;
That is your true & special friend your always Guiding Angel.
2006-10-30 03:41:52 · 16 answers · asked by PIDGE 1 in Arts & Humanities ➔ Other - Arts & Humanities
I got half way through and gave up. I was finding it didn't scan and was akward to read.
....well, you did ask !
2006-10-30 03:48:39 · answer #1 · answered by Michael H 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Its great, i am probably being a bit harsh, feel free to ignore!!
1) Title?
2 Commas
When the darkness closes in, and you lose your will to fight;
I am the tiny ray of hope, and that speck of silvery light;
which pierces through the dark and brings you back to life. (changed)
When hesitation creeps upon your soul and threatens your waking moments;
I am the stranger passing by with ever thoughtful comments;
That willingly provides the knowing smile to help you on your way.
(these three lines for me are odd coldness and being helped with a gaze how about confusion/hesitiation, i had a go, still not perfect, feels clunky)
When the tears roll uncontrollably down your clammy cheeks;
I am the spirit by your side that need not hear you speak;
That listens only to unspoken words to lift your saddened heart.
That siphons the fears, and lightens your saddened heart
When the calmness takes you over and you seek a new direction;
I am your faithful searching arrow the soul of your discretion;
That guides you from the living hell and helps you find your purpose.
(nice)
When life seems hard to comprehend and all your hope is gone;
I am the child who takes your hand and helps the day be done;
That is your true & special friend your always Guiding Angel.
(sweet)
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2006-10-30 04:15:44 · answer #2 · answered by budda m 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Hmmm... I will say it seems to be a very thoughtful and heartfelt piece.
From a critic's perspective, there are some places where the language seems dry and cliche. It speaks only in abstractions and generalities. This poem is good if the author is a novice. As it is, however, it is more cute and sweet than it is moving or deep. To strengthen the poem, bring in something SPECIFIC and CONCRETE.
For example, the "you" in this poem seems general. Did you (assuming you are the author) write this poem with a specific person in mind? If so, use details about that person (or about why the persona/author feels this way about that person) to help the reader attach meaning to the poem.
On the other hand, if you did not write it to a specific person, then let us know more about the persona/author. Show us why the author would feel such a passionate need to be a friend to just anybody?
Give us some specific insight as to why this is important. Even if it is just a poem about friendship in general (it's fine if that's the case), there should still be something specific and personal for the reader to latch onto.
Avoid broad, general language such as,
"When the darkness closes in"
"When the calmness takes you over"
"That listens only to unspoken words to lift your saddened heart"
"When life seems hard to comprehend"
These are generalities. Why is the darkness closing in? What do you mean, "when the calmness takes you over"? Why is life hard to comprehend? These are all fine ideas, but they don't have any clear or specific meaning to the reader. You have a message that you feel is important, so share it with us. Don't wrap it in generalities, lay it out in the open for us to see.
Don't take this as criticism (again, assuming you are the author); take it as encouragement. Keep working. You have potential.
2006-10-30 09:14:21 · answer #3 · answered by eternallythirsty 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
i like the metaphors
i might skip the last line
let your readers take away who they believe that to be
it's more poetic that way
you can think upon it more
some people might see it as hope or love, others God or more specifically the Holy Spirit, others and angel. The important is thing is what the "I am" does.
2006-10-30 05:35:30 · answer #4 · answered by Kindred 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Very nice but would change the 'clammy cheeks' if you are author. Does not fit the style of the rest of the poem.
2006-10-30 07:44:22 · answer #5 · answered by Fiona Y 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
you are a born poet[ess] congrats
upon the altar of life,I'd lay awaiting 4 u,
but i am not aware whether u' ll come or not,
.
Yet I shall await 4 you till the last.
.
come soon 2 my arms soon
4 my days too shall,not forever last.
2006-10-30 03:51:27 · answer #6 · answered by KOHLI V 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I am not sure if it is as good as the poem I read called " THE DANCE" by Linda J Carillo, the American poet, who I think still lives in New Hampshire.
2006-10-30 03:51:04 · answer #7 · answered by Latoya. 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You have the heart and mind of a poet , carry on the good work
2006-10-30 04:56:33 · answer #8 · answered by ? 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
That is so beautiful, its like having a guardian angel. Do you mind if I print it off and keep it. Whether you mind it or not I'm doing it anyway.
2006-10-30 03:45:00 · answer #9 · answered by Dreamer 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It seems a bit mawkish and cliched to me, to be honest.
It could work well as a song lyric though.
2006-10-30 03:50:00 · answer #10 · answered by lauriekins 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋