what can be expected from the ex wife!?

Question

Me and my Mr. Wonderful are incredibly happy together. He was married when he was 17 on spring break of his senior year as he had impregnated his now ex-wife. For 10 years he tried to make it work as she displayed no desire for a family and wound up in rehab for crack. From the whole mess came 2 amazingly wonderful children, a long awaited divorce, and now his second chance for true love with me. The kids adore me, we are all so happy, but there is his ex....acting like a 12 year old. She trash talks me to his oldest (9 yrold girl) and tells her she doesn't like me and that I should "go marry someone else and find a family of my own"... Okay... I understand she's upset. I am NOT trying to STEAL her children or replace her. I want to get along with her and be ADULTS for the sake of these amazing kids. She, however, seems to have an agenda of making us all miserable...even making her own kids miserable. What can be expected in situations like this? How do I handle her gracefully?

Answer 1

wow you really must love him and the kids to want to enter this life!! Stick to your morals...and do what you know is right each and every day. Do not stoop to her level. Talk calmly and nicely to the children and explain that their mom has a problem with her but that you do not have a problem with her. Be the stronger more respectable adult. Believe you me..kids are not stupid and will soon see who is in the wrong. She sounds as though she will make life a problem for you for some time..just try and go with the flow. She is a selfish crack head..her kids will see her for who she is soon enough...hang in there.

Answer 2

I would expect her not to change. If after 10 years she has not grown or changed why would you think it would be any different now? You or your man can try and sit down and have an adult conversation with her but that doesn't seem like it will doing any good. But you could try for the sake of trying. I would expect her attitude and actions to continue along the same line.

The only thing you can control is how YOU handle the situation and how you handle your household.

Sit down with the kids and have a heart to heart. Try and explain things in a way they might be able to understand. But be honest and upfront. Explain to them that while their mother does not like you and you two may not get along it has no bearing on how you feel about them, the children. Even though she may not speak nicely about you what matters is how they, the children, feel about you and vice versa. No matter what she may say or do you have their best interest at heart. Let them know that if they are bothered or troubled that they should feel free to come talk to you or their father at any time.

Answer 3

Because kids are involved and can be used against others to keep up conflict, I will say a lot of drama can be expected if she keeps acting this way with the kids.

Now, if your wonderful mate can control this situation and not let this get out of hand, you should be alright.

It's beautiful thing that you want to be like a adult for the kids and I hope she does the same.

But if she doesn't, keep handling it like you do as the mature adult and when she sees she can't use the kids to keep up conflict, she might simmer down as long as you don't let her get under your skin.

Even if she bad mouths you to her children the children will see the goodness in you and respect you for how you treat them by also not bad mouthing their mother because at the end of the day, she is still their mother.

If you can stand the heat then you should do well in this kitchen because many days you might see hot but be calm and cool it down by remaining the mature adult in this situation.

Good luck

Answer 4

some women are built that way. expecting everyone to help her. dont you remember those girls way back in high school who thought that they were so pretty that you should think that its an honor to help them with everything..... hey, did you marry one, im so sorry if you did. anyway, its hard to change especially for women like that, and when things are going their way. its tough if the divorce was your wife's idea, and still get the benefits of husband provided by a husband. While the husband gets nothing in return. I would suggest that next time the car breaks down, pick up your kids and give her the number for a tow service. fix things around the house? call for a repairman, then have the repairman talk to her, (while you play with the kids.) holidays? pay someone to act as your girlfriend (maybe a great escort service), not to make her jealous... just so that you will be too busy enough to do what she asks. Of course when she asks you to do something. do it halfway, then go back to the girlfriend.

Answer 5

Oh my, I just thought I was the only one dealing with a childish ex. Right now we are going through therapy. It helps but not a lot bc the ex doesn't want to change. We try to tell her to grow up for the sake of the baby, but all she sees is me, me, me. It's to the point that it's so aggravating...But, keep doing what you are doing, never talk about the ex in front of the kids, be honest with them, but not brutally. This is a hard one, be nice to her no matter what...good always wins, it just takes time and patience and believe me your patience will be tried. I can't begin to tell you the "stunts" my hubby's ex has pulled, but I can tell you that this has been going on for 3 years now and it has cost us thousands of dollars....Stand your ground, Look your foe in the eye...the kids well they see and understand more than grown ups think...they will eventually front their "Mom" when they "completely or somewhat understand things fully, this could take years depending on how old they are." The key is to not let it show when she gets under your skin, pray and expect the unexpected. If the kids say something like, "I hate you, Mommy says....etc" Tell them well I love you or Your Mommy's just upset...everything will be ok..." this is not lying to them, it's not putting them in a situation where they have to "play" favorites, but it is showing them and teaching them that You care about them and whatever their bio Mom is saying or doing isn't right. If you build your relationship with these wonderful kids, based on Positive things about them, You and their Dad, their bio Mom and you never say anything bad about their bio Mom, the kids will respect you and love you more than you will ever know, bc You don't know you are doing it, but you are creating a Happy, Loving, Caring environment for them and the rewards are endless. Good Luck to You. By the way, I am an ex also and My children have a wonderful Step Mom...I didn't like her at first but I have always been nice to her and she's proved to be an ally with the kids. I guess it really depends on the self confidence of a person....how much you care about your kids and so forth..Right now you may be the saving life raft of your step children.....keep up the good work.

Answer 6

Number one: you knew the job was dangerous when you took it. Now if you are still willing to be in this situation this is YOUR choice. She went to rehab and apparently got nothing from it by her behavior. She hasn't grown up and she seems to have a real selfish streak- thinking of herself and not letting the kids have a chance at a real life. She is angry with you for out doing her as a real woman. And probibly her husband for choosing a better life than enabling her. Know she has alot of issues but know also this is your and only your choice to stick with it. You seem like a great woman for this family. But you know this woman has issues and will be a living nightmare if given the chance. Let her know she has no chances with you. You see and know exactly what she is doing and by doing this you nipping this in the bud and empowering yourself and dont give her the chance of "looking like the bad guy and trash talking the lousy mom. Her credibility and level of respect is shot due to HER own actions. She has more self hatred than anything and is venting it on you and the family. Perhaps if she comes down to earth you can teach how to be a real woman.

Answer 7

I am going through the exact same thing. I just got married to a man with a Crazy ex. She puts their two children through hell whenever they talk to their dad or to me. The first couple of months were really hard, but now I am realizing that she will not change her evil ways so I must ignore all of her attempts to ruin my marriage and my new family. I know that you get so frustrated with the ex, but the only way to get to her is be a good person. If you take care and love her ex and their amazing children, she will eventually crumble. Idiots and nuts can't spin their wheels forever. Especially when a new amazing woman comes into the picture. Good luck.

Answer 8

Ignore Her And I'm Sure The kid's See What's Going On If Not talk To Them And Explain The Situation.

Answer 9

Good luck on find a easy way to handle this one, I'm an ex-wife & it's the other way around for me my ex-husband's soon to be wife is acting like a 2 year old that doesn't get her way,& if she doesn't get her way or if he screw up or does soemthing to get her all bend out of shape she makes it a living hell for everyone trust me on that, I have tried everything to get along with her but she refuse's to grow up and realize that what she has done & still doing it's helping anyone and only causing problems with everyone, she 30 and has many issue she needs to deal with, so I know what your going thru and I wish I had some advice for you. I can only say's jsut back off and maybe she'll grow up one day. It's hard but haopefully it will work out

Answer 10

Good for you - you sound like a wonderful person who has been dealt an ugly card. She is an addict who will twist and manipulate those poor children to do her evil work. I would consider getting custody of them to save them from her. Can you prove that she is clean and sober and has been for sometime? If she hasn't, you are trying to reason with the unreasonable. The fact that she would manipulate her own children is heartbreaking, but its the drugs that your dealing with as well as a human being. There is no graceful when it comes to addiction. You need to get help and advice from your husband and I would seriously consider professional help for the 9 year old that is being manipulated by her mother, just because she gave birth to these children doesn't give her a right to use them like puppets. Nor does it give her rights to being a "mother". Get professional help.