Its one of those days today, I feel miserable, p*ssed off with the world and like I want to leave work, go home, crawl into bed and hibernate for a month! I dont want no 'you may be suffereing from SAD' or 'You need to analyse whats making you sad' or 'Is it that time of the month' just tell me a blimming joke or funny story and help me find my smile again PEEEEERLEASE!
2006-10-30 01:57:24 · 13 answers · asked by Georgie 5 in Social Science ➔ Psychology
Fredellis 2000 everyone thinks youre a gimp. Get over yourself. Tw*t
2006-10-30 02:12:03 · update #1
You are loved by a load of people!!!!! specially me!!!!!! MWHA xxx
2006-10-30 19:02:29 · answer #1 · answered by FINN 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
A man walks into a pub and sees a big jar of money on the bar, "what's that for?" he asks the bar man. The bar man informs him that there is a very sad donkey in the garden and who ever makes it laugh wins the pot.
Accepting this challenge the man walks into the back garden, whispers into the donkeys' ear, the private message sends the donkey into hysterics and the man wins the pot and leaves.
A few months later the man returns to the pub to find another pot on the bar again full with money and the sound of laughter coming from the garden. Again the man asks what the pot was for to which the barman duly replies "Whoever can shut that donkey up wins the pot." With that the man walks in to the garden and after a few seconds there is silence. Handing over the pot for a second time. Curiously the barman asks how he got the donkey to start laughing, to which the man replies " the first time I told him that I had a bigger willy than him which made him laugh," To which the barman asks "Well how did you shut him up then?"
"I proved it!!"
2006-10-30 02:19:18 · answer #2 · answered by Hendo 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
1. Two blokes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.
2. Phone answering machine message - ..."If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key."
3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
5. I went to the butchers and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said "No, the steaks are too high."
6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,"'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off."
8. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.
9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank. This proved once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.
10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
12. "Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of home"
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"It's not unusual."
13. A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet.
"My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well" says the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy."
14. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my bum."
"How's that?"
" Now don't you start."
15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!
16. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?"
I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it"
17. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But I think its Colin.
18. Police arrested two kids yesterday. One was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
19. You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine' So that was nice.
20. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places"
The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore."
2006-10-30 02:02:23 · answer #3 · answered by quay_grl 5 · 6⤊ 0⤋
properly, to be completely user-friendly I could say a pair of five however the former day I had a quick 2d the place I had type of a melancholy hysteria in good shape the place issues sucked plenty I actually did no longer understand no remember if i wanted to giggle or cry approximately it. i think of I did the two for a minute, then I in basic terms laughed to myself and thought, properly, that's valid, issues suck so undesirable it has looped around to humorous :) Sorry for damn on RJ, yet you are the type of competent listener and that i wanted that. On a final notice, to cite a woman from a movie I as quickly as observed, i will assert for today, my existence be a smash, how are you doing?
2016-10-03 02:37:04 · answer #4 · answered by huenke 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
everybody has off days.......i have a friend who happens to be a squid, (i am a cuttlefish) and he was feeling really low..this was probably something to do with the copious amounts of clam juice he drank at the fish crate club the night before......
anyway my friend the squid started to propel himself to work the next morning but found this task very difficult...
luckily for him a kindly great white shark saw him and asked what was wrong.
My friend the squid said. "i was on the p*ss last night and i feel like crab s*it."
"Don't worry about that," said the shark, "we've all been there, tell you what I'm going in your direction jump on my tail and I'll take you to work."
So my little friend jumped on to the sharks tale and both merrily swam towards the coral where they both work......
my friend however was aghast when only a couple of fathoms further the shark flicked his tail sending my mucker in to the mouth of a passing whale..........the last thing he heard was the shark shouting to the whale:
"BORIS THERE'S THAT SICK SQUID I OWE YOU!"
HAVE A NICE DAY
2006-10-30 04:34:50 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls".
I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!"
Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy.
Around 3 a.m., a bit worse for wear, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him.
(Even when totally smashed...3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT!)
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him "Midnight".
He didn't seem concerned at all. Whew! Got away with that one!
Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock."
When I asked him why.
He said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "Oh sh*t.", cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted."
2006-10-30 02:29:17 · answer #6 · answered by Feta Smurf 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I'm feeling a bit that way myself ,like Ive come to a cross road in my life. I think you benefit if you did something different to what you usually do. Anyway u haven't given ur circumstances ...are u married with loads of kids and sick of the mundanity of it all....av u bin ta kin drugs .whoops sounds like i;m analysing you .....you need to analyse things and know why ur pissed before u can state to do anything about it. I hope ur feeling better tomorrow
2006-10-30 04:18:20 · answer #7 · answered by deborah r 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
A little kid walks into a city bus and sits right behind the driver and starts yelling, ''If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow I'd be a little bull.''
The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues with, ''If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant.''
The kid goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets angry and yells at the kid, ''What if your dad was a drunk and your mom was a prostitute?!''
The kid smiles and says, ''I would be a bus driver!''
2006-10-30 02:08:51 · answer #8 · answered by Jenny 1 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Jim walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM.
He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV. The10:00 news was on.
The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
The blonde looked at Jim and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"
Jim says, "You know, I bet he'll jump."
The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."
Jim placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.
The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Jim, saying, Fair's fair. Here's your money."
Jim replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5
o'clock news and so I knew he would jump."
The blonde replied, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again."
Jim took the money!
1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda.
2nd woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die?
1st woman: I froze to death
2nd woman: How horrible!
1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death.
What about you?
2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack.. I suspected that
my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act but instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
1st woman: So, what happened?
2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer.......we'd both still be alive.
Q: How many sexists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None: They have the women to do it for them.
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him ".
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like"
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, she's dead."
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:
"Take only ONE. God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, "Take all you want God is watching the apples.
I hope this is enough to cheer you up, they made me chuckle!
2006-10-30 02:11:42 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Fake sick and go have a drink at a bar, then go home and sleep all day!!!
2006-10-30 02:06:38 · answer #10 · answered by sshhmmee2000 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋