help with new partnership?

Question

I have been with my partner nearly two years now and we have moved in together. I love him very much, but he sometimes clashes with my 15 year old son.
He works for a union and has always got an answer as he is fighting peoples cases every day, so it is very difficult when I have a point to make with him. He always seems able to twist the row around to the fact that he sees me as thinking my son cant do anything wrong, which is total crap, cos I know what a devil he can be, but so far nothing major, just silly little things that annoy my partner. I believe in dont sweat the little things and would rather my son learns by his own mistakes than being constantly nagged. There are things that he has gotta learn to ignore, how can I make him see this. It could ruin our relationship, cos at the end of the day my kids come first

Answer 1

This is a difficult one, i now I have been there, just try to explain to your son the reason your parner reacts the way he doeas and ask your son to ignore it as best as possible but also have a word with your partner and tell him that it bothers you the way he reacts and that you dont want it to spoil your relationship

Answer 2

He's got the hardest job in the world bar none and he's not doing very well. About the only suggestion that has much of a chance of doing any good is for you to get into counseling. What needs to happen is for the two of you to agree on a plan to parent your son. You son is undoubtedly trying his best to sabotage your relationship without your realization. Hate to tell you this but kids do not learn from their own mistakes. They need firm rules, guidance, consequences when they don't perform and love. There are no "silly little things" in raising kids. Move out unless you can agree on a plan--and lord help your son if he doesn't have rules, consequences, and love.

Answer 3

It sounds to me like you could be the one driving the wedge and not your partner. Fathers (biological or acting) will and should attempt to correct a childs behaviour where they see fit. What this does is not necessarily to chastise or punish the child, but hopefully reinforce to the child what behaviour is acceptable whether they adhere to it or not.

Turning a blind eye to it may not be the best thing to do, this is what your partner has a problem with. Take it from me, kids can be pretty malicious and devious, he could be doing these things purposefully to create a problem (are any teenagers easy?).

Your son is also the challenger to the alpha male of the house, but this is nothing to do with having a stepfather, it's just the way most teenage lads are, I know I was.

At the end of the day you have to listen to your partners point of view and give it great consideration, because he was a young lad once, you weren't, and we know exactly what little sh1ts we can be when we want to.


P.S. I hope everything works out okay.

Answer 4

wel lto tell thetruth , I truely cant hel pwit hthis cuz you do not give any example of what your partner is complaining about. What may be small and trival to you may be someone elses pet piv .

So to make this issue worse , you rather have your son learn br trial and error and not be repermanded by someone other the nyou.Simple solution for you to do is move out of the same house as your partner and let your partner know you are doing this for your child to learn right and wrong the hard way the nto have it thought to them.

Be for warned thou if you choice to allow your child to learn from trial and error then you will be facing issues alone and will have alot of explaining to do when he screws up and others want issues settled by courts.

I understand some small things need ot be overlooked - but to have issues bubble up and not dealt with by adults are just small issues that will haunt you in the future.Stop and think if your child learns fro his / her mistakes and you feel this is best - what wil lyou say when the child breaks an arm fro mdoing a small stunt that backfires and this continues ot happen and the state starts looking closer at you. Too late you have set the path for him to learn this way and it will be a major pain to break this mode of learning.

At the same time - I do agree some adults need ot choice battle wiser and less confrontive with children - after all we where all young one tiem and needed ot explore and learn this way also.

its a fine balanced line you must walk - but to have a relationship and let it go south due ot a child doing this and NOT having a plan to deal with it makes little sences to me.Both Adults should remain joined and set a course of action to handle this kind of thing.Remember some chilf do act up becuase their parent is seeing someone and trying ot make a relationship with that other person and some adults dispice children due otthe fact the veiw the child as a distraction to the relationship.So walk this line with caution and a clear veiw of the over all picture. I agree Children come first but also watch for the signs of who is doign wha tand whe nthe ydo it . this will show you the true motive behind the fighting and the arguements.

Answer 5

If he has clashed with your 15 year old only sometimes he is on for a record. 15 year olds can be quite a handful.

he may see himself in competition with your son for your affection. He may also feel that your son should show him some respect as the older male. Please talk about this with him. Do not let it upset your long term future.

Answer 6

I know you didn't ask this, but what message are you sending your 15 year old by living with someone without marriage. Your son is at a vulnerable age. And the man you are living with sounds very controlling. Get your life together, Mom. Your son is depending on you.

Answer 7

I have also been in this situation an from a kids side of it i think that it is probably driving your kid mad and more than likely to push your kid away from you. Your family always comes first. If this man really cares for you he will see this and hopefully try and change to learn with the ways you want to treat your child

Answer 8

quiet right too! tell him to lay off ur son although he's ur partner he's not ur son's dad. You dont want your son to think you put boyfriends before him it could cause serious resentment and make ur son play up even more.Deal with your kids your self!

Answer 9

I don't know the answer that will work for you, but I do know .... I LIKE YOU! Stay strong.