Can my husband who from the age of 22 to 41 was aggressive, on a number of occasions violent, abusive, controlling, mean, a liar, secretive and boring, suddenly become charming, kind, generous, considerate, calm, funny etc etc? He moved out because I caught him cheating but comes back to our house every weekend and has become all the above. He says he wants to change but needs time to decide what he wants from life. Please read my previous question for other things he also said as there is no space to tell all on one page. Do you think he is playing for time for some reason only known to him? Legally, he can't make me sell the house till our daughter is 18. Would he go to the extent of playing happy families including taking me on holiday and sleeping with me just to keep an eye on his share of the house? I know he is still lying because he says that during the week he doesn't go out, but I have waited outside his place and seen him come home late. Why lie about it?
2006-10-30 01:18:40 · 16 answers · asked by Nancy S 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Why are you waiting outside his house? This just sounds like one f**ked-up relationship;
He's a manipulative bully.
You're an insecure stalker.
You've never grown up as a couple, your still acting like 21 year olds, there'll never be a future for you both as a couple so you may as well move on.
2006-10-30 02:00:02 · answer #1 · answered by PvteFrazer 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Nancy S. this is really a tough question. First and foremost, was he like this before you got married to him. If yes, then he was a bad guy that you were attracted to and this ''bad guy'' has refused to be changed by marriage.
One thing people think is that they can change a person's outlook to satisfy themselves but unfortunately some of those ''habits die hard''. This question is not the type that can give you an easy straightforward answer but know that love conquers all. Now to another issue, he was cheating which makes it even worse. If you can't handle it, because he won't stop, why not leave if you can't stand it anymore. At the same time, try having a trial seperation to give yourselves a breath of fresh air.
Time can only tell in the end but as people stray, they do change and become sober so its not enough to condemn someone as we are not perfect. Give it time and see what happens.
2006-10-30 09:34:20 · answer #2 · answered by Banana Pie 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I lived your life.....and wanted to believe him SO BADLY that he would change. I was in the relationship for 7 years. My husband would go MONTHS being the most terrific person you could imagine. And then he would slip up again.....
The highs were SO HIGH and the lows were SO LOW. I think he really WANTED to be a good husband. He just lacked the skills to do it.
Looking back, had we gone to INTENSE marriage therapy we may have stood a chance at making our lives better. But without outside help, the chances are slim to none. Even he, himself, doesn't know what to do to become "better."
Why lie you ask? Because he desperately WANTS to keep his family together...but his urges take over him. He lacks good judgement. My guess is that he never learned how to be a good family man from his own family.....
For you.....You need to make the decision as to whether you want to live your life with these ups and downs. I decided that my life was worth more than the drama, pain, and heartache that I was experiencing with my first husband. It was the most liberating and powerful thing I ever did. I got my power back. You need to take charge of your life and begin moving towards getting the things you deserve.
Good Luck!
2006-10-30 09:28:52 · answer #3 · answered by curiousRO 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
That's the mistake I made when I broke up from my husband. He suddenly became the man I always wanted him to be...he ended up moving back in and then it just went back to how it was before. If I had arranged for him to see the kids elsewhere I would be still happy, getting rid of him was the best thing i ever did and taking him back was the worst! Don't fall for it. If you can live without him and life is better then be strong! Good luck.
2006-10-30 09:36:27 · answer #4 · answered by soggykipper 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
From my experience, he has not changed, nor will he. This is how my father did my mother and how his brother is doing my aunt right now. They become all sweet when they aren't getting what they want, and as soon as they get it, things will go right back to the way they were. Don't fall for him crap, you know he is still lying to you. If you give back into him, then he will have control again and he will go back to his usual self.
Take it from someone who grew up with someone like him. My father wanted control over everything and when my mom left him, he sweet talked her back and things were good for about a year. Then he slowly started back to his old ways. They will change to get what they want, but they won't stay that way.
Please for your sake send him on his way. Good luck!
2006-10-30 12:16:17 · answer #5 · answered by la_southern_femme 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
see an attorney. I think he is playing you. At the very least, I would make sure that he cannot mortgage the house w/o your consent. Make sure he is not running up debt in both your names, he could then take off and leave you with the burden. Check where he works and make sure he has not taken u off his life and health insurance. DO NOT, REPEAT, DO NOT sign any papers he ask you to w/o running them by your attorney. Do not use his attorney. He might try to get you to sign away any rights to his pension from work. If you can afford it, I would have him followed to find out where he is going., DONT TRUST HIM.
2006-10-30 09:27:47 · answer #6 · answered by bettyswestbrook 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If this is possible, it will happen ONLY because HE makes the effort to change. Sorry to be negative, but I think once someone has become violent, aggressive, mean and a liar - I don't think it's possible for them to truly change from that.
2006-10-30 09:25:21 · answer #7 · answered by Rachel 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
He may be trying to start over. However, when you first met him and started dating him. Was he Kind or Abusive? I believe he would be kind and charming other wise you would have been a fool to marry him (you don't sound like a fool). So his kindness is probably just a smokescreen until he can get back in your good graces.
2006-10-30 09:24:50 · answer #8 · answered by Daddy Big Dawg 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think your husband was abused (not sexually) as a child. His agressive and controlling action sounds like he is copying HIS father. You sound like a nice lady. Look after your daughter. I think it will do him good to take a back seat for a while. You are in control of your life now. Dont let him back.
regards xxB
2006-10-30 09:24:10 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
you know that you have feel about this guy, it's clear in your writing that he makes you suspicious and by the sound of it unhappy.
The sad fact is know one chances completed without some serious counselling and a lot of recovery time.
Steer clear and make yourself happy, a happy mommy will make for a happy family.
If your daughter is older enough to make decisions based o whether or not see wants to see him or not, then let her make her choice and see it as a opportunity for her to discover a new relationship with him. That way she'll make her own mind up.
You need to get on with your life and stop seeing this guy as part of your life, start seeing him as part of your past and move on.
2006-10-30 09:22:45 · answer #10 · answered by Heather 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋