Serious relationship advice needed.?

Question

After being in a miserable and yet sometimes happy relationship for two years then I break up with him, had no communication for two months, can I still be friends eg coffee every now or then. I feel I can let go but worried he would take this as a chance to have me back. However Im finding it hard to break all ties. Please help serious answers only. Thanks

Answer 1

Hello there! I was in a relationship for seven years (since the age of 19), which became on-off for the final couple of years. After each break-up (which I instigated), my boyfriend would contact me after a couple of weeks, saying that he was sorry, that he now realised why I'd broken up with him and that he'd change. He'd tell me that he still loved me and that it was a waste to break-up after having been together for such a long time & that we should work at improving the relationship. I'd find myself excusing the behaviour which made me break up with him in the first place (even downplaying it or finding fault within myself, that wasn't there) and justifying getting back together with him, because of all the good times we'd had. He knew that soo soon after a break-up, I'd be feeling vulnerable and like there was a part of me missing. I'd always fall into his trap! Ineviatably, we'd get back together and nothing will have changed.

I finished with him for good this January and because I felt we shared a lot together - I still cared about him, and wanted to know that he was doing well and also considered him someone I could confide in as a friend - I didn't want to break all ties. We have met up for coffee a few times. The first time was four months after we broke up. Each time we met up, I felt nothing. I didn't have those intense feelings for him anymore, because I knew that I wanted someone/something better/different. Therefore, he was unable to take advantage of possibly raw, vulnerable feelings. I knew that I'd never go back.

What you need to ask yourself is how intense was this relationship? Have I given myself enough time to get-over him (physically and mentally)? Do I hold onto a vulnerability, which he may exploit? You could so easily fall back into a relationship that wasn't right for you, if your answers to these questions are not satisfactory, yet you go out for a 'coffee' with him! Give yourself time, keep yourself occupied (e.g go out with friends, go to the gym etc.) and when you're ready, there's nothing wrong with meeting up with coffee with this guy.

I wish you all the best!

Answer 2

first of all.. that was really long and i got a little confused in the middle. You are using these guys, and possibly the partying/drinking, to deal with your problems. None of this will get straightened out until you back up and look at what you've done. I guarantee you didn't go through the whole mourning process with your ex, you just found a new guy but he wasn't enough so you had to get your, uh, condolences from his friends and other guys. You messed up pretty big here but you can always stop right now and change who you are. What you really need to do is talk seriously to all the people you hurt (and don't get defensive with them) and take a break from the guys and the drinking. Then, when you have dealt with all the underlying problems that make you feel the need to get drunk and hook up with random guys, you can go back and talk to mason and tell him you really have changed etc and try to get him back. If he won't take you back don't sweat it, you're only 17 and when you go off to college(assuming you're still in high school) you will meet plenty of people you could love just as much. Just make sure you change your ways a little before then. Just keep this in mind, if you mess around with your bf's best friend are you more likely to earn back his trust if you tell him the same day, or if he finds out from his best friend a couple months later? Just take a break and figure out who you are and what you're doing with your life before you go back to the guys. Good luck.

Answer 3

Nothing really is the same once you've let go of a long relationship. I was in a relationship for 2 years, just like you. I went through a lot of hard times too. I left him and it took me almost 2 years to truly let go. Nothing is easy in life, specially when it comes to love matters. I strongly suggest that if you truly want to go on with life, and yet you find it hard to break ties, you shouldn't go and see him... Maybe in a few months or a year, no one knows...but the time will come when you will be able to meet him and not feel sorry for freeing yourself. You will be haapy and with no regrets. It's easy to say that you've let go, but ask yourslef seriously, have you truly let go? He cannot make you come back to him unless you really want to, but the question is would you be happy in the long run if you get back together?

Me and my X-bf have decided to move on with our lives, and maybe someday we will meet and talk about the relationship as treasured memories. I believe lovers can by friends, because once a person enters your life and heart, they will never leave you. We are all connected.

Answer 4

I was in a relationship for three years and at the end tried my best to stay friends after six months and him terrorizing anyone he seen me with the best thing to do was completly break all ties,he clearly could not handle anything other than what we were,but all men are different but again it is a rare few who can totally let go of there feelings to a friendship level.Also you do end up pitying them and slowly but surely they worm there way back into your life,it is such a hard thing to do and it does take months to get used to them not being in your life but there is nothing worse than a relationship that is not working and getting away from that relationship good terms or bad...Ps you do get over it no matter how bad youfeel now xx

Answer 5

Hi,
i have been in similar situation too. if u r sure u can handle a platonic relationship then why cant u break all ties with him. If u still have feelings for him then meeting for coffee etc will only prolong the break up assuming ur serious in ur reasons of break up. If u r then i suggest a clean break with no ties. coz i realize in my case the friendship only got messy when i had a new love in my life,i got to here a lot of emotional crap from my ex. But oif ur not sure if u want the relationship to end then seeing him platonically might help u decide if there is future for u two.

Answer 6

It really is best to cut all ties as remaining in contact not only prolongs the agony but prevents you from moving on. If you are really serious about finishing this relationship for good then it is best not to have contact, get rid of anything that reminds you of him that you have and get out there and enjoy yourself, take up a new hobby - anything to take your mind off it. I think you are kidding yourself by saying you want to have coffee with him now and then - be honest with yourself as I think deep down you want to get back with him. Focus on the bad things in the relationship which will help you put things in the right persepective. Good luck and I hope you find the happiness you deserve.

Answer 7

If you do not want him as a partner, then you have to be upfront about it. " I miss you as a friend. I am not interested in getting back into a relationship like we had, but I would like do catch a cup of coffee now and then with you. Just because we decided we did not work as a couple, we were friends first, and I would like to have that back." If you would be comfortable with that, it would be good." Then if he says, no...let it go. If he says OK, and then tries to get back together, tell him it isn't working and you will have nothing but good wishes for him and let him go. I don't mean use what I wrote, I was just giving an example. If he still has romantic feelings for you, two months may not be long enough for him to be ready to be 'just friends'. In that case it would be wrong for you to be around him because it would hurt him.

Answer 8

Leave it for at least 4 months, to let the both of you move on and stop hurting. It's really hard trying to be friends after you split up, but my b/f and his ex have managed it. We even all live together in one house! After the 4 months, try making tentative contact, texting, whatever, but make sure he understands that you don't want to get back together, you just want to be friends. You also need to be sure that this is what you want, and that you'll be able to do it, not just fall back into the same old pattern with him, of a relationship. If you end up doing it, just make sure that you know when to move on, if it isnt working. Its very rare that you can turn a relationship into a friendship...Good Luck!

Answer 9

My advice it that you can't be friends with an X. Maybe years later it could work, and you could again laugh with each other about the silly things you did together. But now things are too raw. Move on Sweetie and things will get easier. Being friends with him now will give him the signal that he still has a hold on you, which could make him persuade you to try again. I am going thru a divorce, and have tried being friends with my X. It does not work! It is just more heartache waiting to happen. Move on. It is hard to break the ties of emotions that you have for him, but they will be easier the less you interact with him.

Answer 10

There was a reason why you broke up with him. When you are involved in a sexual relationship with someone and its over its hard to be JUST friends. I think you need to make new friends or just rely on the ones that are already PROVEN friends. If it's over leave it alone and move on and doing this will allow him to do the same. Use your free time for things that will bring you happiness not remind you of the past. Good luck.