Abusive husband and I are in counseling, do you think it will work?

Question

Married to a verbal and emotionally abusive man for 12 years. We are both 33 and have 2 small children. I had been preparing to leave him but now when I asked for the last time because of me feeling guilty if he would go to counseling with me, he agreed. We have only gone twice and she has been my counselor for 5 months now and has helped me to get stronger even though she never said to leave him. I am wondering do you think that he can change or not? My main problem is, I am at the point now that I still care for him but he has done so much damage to me that I know that I'll always feel that he'll be abusive or that he's just fooling me because it's cheaper to keep her. I was so looking forward to being free from the abuse and him even though I was scared. He has been really nice these past few weeks(longer than he has ever been in many years at a time). I'm just not really buying it. I think that I'll fall into this and be vulnerable and he'll **** up my trust and self esteem again.

Answer 1

I dont think it will work...Hes had 12 years of doing this, he may quit for a few months then something will set him off again...

Answer 2

That is great that you are going to counseling and getting the strength and help that you need there. If he has only gone two times I doubt seriously that he will change if at all. It will take months to years of serious therapy for an abusive personality to even want to change not after a few sessions. I would be more worried of your children and what they are seeing when daddy and mommy are yelling at each other. What are you letting them learn by the behavior that they are seeing. If you are desperately wanting your marriage to work your children need to be in counseling as well. It will help them better grasp that what they are seeing their father do is NOT right and not the proper behavior expected in someone who loves someone else. Good luck to you and yours.

Answer 3

It will work if he wants it to work. You can NOT do this by yourself. He has to make a long term committment and long term change. It's going to take a minimum of one year of therapy, probably much longer. Even when he's finished with therapy, he will probably need to touch base with a therapist on and off for years to come.
As for you, be prepared to not regain trust for up to a full two years. You have been damaged. It's not just a matter of repairing the damage. It's also a matter of you being able to regain trust.
The chances of this all happening? about 1%, not good at all. Sorry

Answer 4

First: Get in a support group.
Second: Have a strong family support yours and his.
Three: Have his family let him know that it could be over.
May sure you are not in danger of being assaulted or wrose.
Four: Go to a neutral ground and talk about this.
Five: Find out where he stands and what he wants.
Six: Let him know what you want and what you expect.
Seven: You both make a plan, compact, aggreement and stick with it.
To answer your question it depends on how bad you both want it to. If you are giving 80% and him 10% it won't work. For some people you don't realize what you have until you lose it.

Answer 5

I agree to some of the answers that you already know for yourself the answer but what's holding you back is the certain feeling you still have for your husband. It's really hard to go away from someone whom you had made a special bond but times have changed and so as your relationship. Personally, if your going to ask me if the counseling's still worth it for him to change... well, I kinda doubt it. Follow what's deep in your heart and be happy and free for once. You can't always be there for him to abuse; and for his schemes... You have your own life also and you have kids. It's unhealthy for you both and especially to your children. You can't wait forever for something to change right? Despite of all promises and agreements and all that sort of crap... You know what's right. Go ahead.

Answer 6

this sounds pretty serious but i'll give it a shot. abusive relationships, either physically or verbally are very hard to make it work. i would say leave him if you don't trust him in taking this abuse to the level of violence. this doesn't sound like a healthy lifestyle for your children either. but if he takes a stand on his actions and goes to counseling with you, i would honestly say he cares. it takes alot of courage to seek help like this, and that has to stand for something. but, if things aren't improving and the abuse continues, save the children from this damage. healing takes time, but how long will this wound ache. god bless, hope things get better.

Answer 7

People are known to change when they can see it is beneficial. Do not be disheartened Pray that he will be more understanding and be loving individual. Try to keep your marriage together for the sake of the 2 little ones. Have no guilty feelings be strong and have faith . Be positive I am sure he will come through

Answer 8

I don't know what the percentages of true change in behavior are but I bet they are small. The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. The counselor won't say to leave him because that has to be your decision and not hers. It's up to you. Do what is best for you and children.
As I re-read the question, I think you have your answer.

Answer 9

It's a long and slow process but, yes it can happen that abusive men change with lots of counselling. You should bring up these fears with your counsellor maybe privately at first or with your husband. Is your husband seeing a counsellor privately as well as with you? That might be a good idea. He may be more comfortable talking about what drives him to be abusive without you there at first. Good luck.

Answer 10

In my opinion you should free yourself. I don't think that much history can be erased just like that. He has been abusing you for 12 years. Isn't that long enough? Your heart seems to be telling you the same thing. Listen.