A question about marriage and intimacy?

Question

Mature answers from married folks only, please.

It seems like there are so many marriages where people go outside of the bounds of their marriage for intimacy (closeness, sexual fulfillment, etc) when their marriage provides none, rather than doing the hard work of communicating with their spouse and working through their problems, and then go on with their relationship like it's life as normal. Does anyone have any thoughts on why that is so? Why is it so hard for some people to work on their marriages, or just end them in the light of difficulties, and they instead would rather trample on their wedding vows?

What I'm looking for is well thought out comments and ideas, not "I'd never do that" or "I can't imagine anyone doing that". It happens, frequently. So why?

Answer 1

I went into my marriage with all intentions of having that perfect marriage, but of course it isn't so perfect. We've been married for 13 years and there have been broken promises from the day after the wedding. He came into it without much baggage. He had only one other serious relationship years earlier and was totally over it. He just made promises to me about things he was going to do and never followed through with them. Of course, as a woman, I never forget and have hurt feelings because of the broken promises. I entered into the marriage with a broken heart from years earlier, never shared any of the details to my husband, and therefore I have difficulty opening up to him about about my true feelings.
We go on daily with our lives as if nothing is wrong. We've had two children together, and we'll continue on with life as is forever and ever.

Answer 2

People don't necessarily take the marriage vows seriously. And when I say 'people', there are almost as many women cheating as men. There are many reasons why they do it as you know..... Lack of intimacy at home, a change, to spice up their life, etc. However, not too many couples can communicate about personal and emotional issues. Men, in general, don't like to discuss anything 'contentious' and some don't even want to try to understand women and their 'feelings'. They get tired of their wives' frustrations and find someone who will just enjoy a physical relationship with 'no strings attached.' Women, in return, get no satisfaction from trying to discuss their marital problems and also seek solace elsewhere.

A lot of folks don't seem to have the strength or courage, or even the desire, to go to counselling to save their marriage. They almost have an 'I dare you to catch me' attitude. If caught, however, some will plead 'She meant nothing to me. It was a mistake.' Right.....

And there are those people who stay in a marriage for 'the sake of the children' and honestly believe they are doing the right thing rather than leaving. Some stay because of financial reasons and some out of 'duty'.

People cheat whether they've been in a marriage for a few years, 20 yrs. or even 35. If someone was TRULY in love, they wouldn't, but some folks got married and found they weren't with their 'soul mate' and wished they were and are constantly searching. Others just want to get laid as many times as possible. :o)

Do you think some people are programmed NOT to be monogamous? They just can't be with one person for the rest of their lives, no matter what..... It's a thought.

Answer 3

I've been married over 17 years.
I think people cheat, and not only sexually, but intimacy-wise, because they are truly selfish. I believe men do it for attention, not for the sex, because their wives take them for granted a lot and do not really appreciate their husbands. I believe women cheat to try to make their husbands jealous, as if that would lure them into thinking they would be losing a good thing if the husband didn't smarten up.
I think it is sad when a couple won't put the work in. Marriage is hard work - and it's worth all the effort. The rewards of a good, solid marriage are innumerable! Every marriage has problems, difficulties, challenges and people need to be mature before they get married, and be willing to communicate, to compromise, to love unconditionally. You need to live your vows every day.

Answer 4

I think it has to do with how much love that person has for their spouse. My husband and I are on completely different pages when it comes to the intimate part of our marriage. Our sex drives are opposite and where I want more passion and romance, he's perfectly comfortable with occasional physical contact.
I'm not completely happy to say the least, but I would never stray from him and he's the first man I've ever been with that I can honestly say that about.
I chalk it up to love, because I've never loved anybody the way that I love him and I'm a person who lets my emotions sometimes dictate my life.
I understand your frustration, because I've been on both ends of the topic and sometimes wondered the same thing. I love my husband and I would never do anything to jeopardize that, but at the same time if her really wanted out of the marriage, then I love him enough to let him go and hope that he could find the happiness that he deserves. Even if I'm not it.

Answer 5

I don't think most people deliberately go outside the bounds of their marriage, but being deficient in something inside the marriage makes a person more vulnerable to making mistakes. I have always thought that there should be some type of class REQUIRED before getting a marriage license to prepare people for the work involved in a marriage, how to communicate, and how to keep a marriage strong and healthy.

Answer 6

Wow, what a good question, and very timely, I am going through the most difficult time of my life right now. And it seems very related to your question. My thoughts are, that many people, and I honestly believe, women particularly, seem to have great difficulty with the separation of Love and Sex. Let me do my best to explain. It seems to me that many women that have low or poor self esteem will go out and have sex with others, thinking it is some kind of Love. They are often self loathing, and feel that because someone has sex with them that they are "Loved". They don't seem to realize, that honestly, pretty much any man will have sex with any woman, given the opportunity. That is to say, providing there are no extenuating circumstances, or impunity. I hope this made some sense to you . My (soon to be ex) wife, is just absolutely beautiful, really so fine, yet she brags that so many men would love to have her (sexually)... Yes of course they would I think, you fool. But that has nothing to do with love or respect. I really loved her, and I am trying to get over her now. And suffering so. All I can say is that I feel that love and sex have nothing to do with each other, however, if they coexist then there is nothing better in the world. I know, I have had them both.

Answer 7

So many people don't talk openly and have good communication skills so they just cheat. It is so common these days. After being cheated on in 5 relationships I decided to make a pack with my partner. We agreed to talk about everything to include if we ever met anyone that turned our head and drew our attention away from one another. We decided to talk about it if that ever happened instead of cheating on one another. We promised to be honest no matter what the facts would cause. I found that being told honestly was much better than someone skating around behind you back. I think it is a shame that unmarried people will easily cheat with a married person. It hurts so many people and learning to talk about your honest heartfelt emotions would improve many lives. Maybe they should teach that as a class in high school?

Answer 8

It's so hard for people to work on their marriages because they don't want to be confronted with the truth about themselves. Marriage is EXTREMELY hard work and takes alot soul searching to find how you are contributing to the problems in the marriage. Most people do not have the courage to face themselves, they would rather just blame the other person.

Answer 9

In one of my classes I learned that in the 40's or 50's something like 40% of children were not the biological children of the women's husbands. I was surprised but it kind of shows that we hold perhaps some unrealistic ideals of marriage.

Answer 10

Is he too rough? Does he treat you like he is raping you? Has he raped you in the past? These are all questions that come to mind. If you both love each other, then tell him the truth to why you cry during sex. AND I would suggest some counselling first for you and then as a couple.