Is a 30 year age difference too much ?

Question

I met a 34 yar old at our lunch gathering. She seems to be a wonderful person and we got on well enough. Should I just stay friendly or try to go a stage further, ie ask her out, or would I seem a silly old woman.
Rose P.

Sorry, I am 64. RP.

Answer 1

Rose: I'm going to quote a Dear Abby column I read fairly recently; it came from a 51 year-old wondering if she should be dating a 39-year old. Granted, the age difference there was less, but the advice is the same - you're at a point in your life where you have the right to decide what makes you happy.

Granted, it's daunting to approach anyone who we might consider dramatically different than us. The risk of rejection would be there even if you were the same age, same level of education, same salary, same everything. If you like her, that's really the most important thing.

If she seems more mature than her peers, or has expressed to you that there's something she likes about you, it's something you might consider doing.

But a couple of cautions are in order. First, what's her social circle like? Is it open-minded or is it kinda traditional? If she's a traditionalist she might find your interest off-putting. Doesn't mean you shouldn't ask; I'm offering a way of assessing the risk. If she's close to an inner circle of friends they might dissuade her from dating you, were she to ask their advice. But the flip side is also true - if they're an open-minded bunch and she asks them, they may say go for it.

Second, see if she's an independent-minded thinker. Someone who's able to vocalize what they feel and why is more likely to approach a non-traditional relationship positively. Matter of fact, such a person is likely to approach everything in a non-traditional way. Is your friend more likely to run with the crowd? Is the crowd not very open-minded? That could be a red flag.

One of the best books I've read this year is by Diane Conway, and it's called "What Would You Do If You Had No Fear?" I encourage you to get this book and read it; it's wonderful.

Finally, a personal note. I am a 43 year-old gay African American male...living in the South... in Texas. I've never been in a relationship but would like to be. I don't come across many peers I would consider attractive (that is, those within 5 years of my age) so I'm open to dating 20-somethings (those, that is, that are smart, mature, responsible and open-minded). I'd like to date a 30-something, of course, but if one doesn't come along (and soon!) why should I ignore someone else 29, 28, 27 if he's interested, or if I like him? I didn't come out until I was 30 (of course, it was the more repressive 70's and I wasn't emotionally strong enough to be independent) but the sooner you go after what you want, the better.

I think you should try to go a stage further, as long as you can do it tastefully, respectfully, and as long as you're aware of the risks. You sound like a lovely person to me.

Answer 2

My cousin was married to a man 35 years her senior. They are both highly educated, interesting people and fell in love despite the unconventional age difference. She said that they HAD talked about having kids and although he'd raised a family (his ex-wife did all the raising and he was at work almost 24-7) HE said it would be fine if they had children, too. Years went by and when she hit 30, she realized his attitudes had changed and that he really didn't even like kids. By the time she was 35, they'd been married 9 years and he was back to his workaholic ways and she hardly did anything with him. They divorced and she found a great guy and had a baby and she says she's the happiest she's ever been. Moral of the story: It's not about age. It's about common goals. (also, workaholics make rotten spouses)

Answer 3

Stay friends. In time she will be looking at a relationship with someone that much older as her being a nursemaid to the other person. And will eventually leave for someone closer to her own age. On the other hand. I know of a 65 year old dating someone over 20 years younger. My friend has big $ coming in and I suspect that is the reason the younger woman is hanging around!!!!!!!!!!What's wrong with just being friends?

Answer 4

LOL I assume you're not 4 yrs old rose...64 sounds better...no I don't think that 30 years is too big a gap..most people by age 34 are adult enough to know what they want in life...take the chance....My mother always told me that if you don't take any chances you never get anywhere....At this stage of the game you don't have a lot to lose...you don't have a lot emotionally invested in this relationship...give it a try...I hope it works..let me know.

Answer 5

My mother is married to a man 29 years younger than she is. It is easy for anyone to see that she is in control and that's the way he wants it. He used to be a mama's boy but now he doesn't even talk to his mom. Seems he's found a replacement.

I am not trying to be mean, I am just telling what I have observed of their relationship. If you do ask her out make sure it is for the right reason ... that you like her for who she is and not that she will be easy to 'deal with' or to mold into something you want. That would be sad indeed.

Answer 6

age shouldn't matter....as long as everyone is legally an adult!
if you click, you click! some people are hung up on age, like my ex (who was a little over 11 years older than me). I told her it didn't matter to me, but that (among many other things I won't go into here) was a big deal to her. my partner now is 9 1/2 years younger than I am. it depends on the person...if both people are mature and hit if off and have a lot in common, it shouldn't really matter. for me, personally, I don't usually have much in common with anyone whose age difference is more that 15-20 years. but I know lots of people with greater age differences that hit if off...so, everyone is different!

Answer 7

Jude's right, Rose. She might be into you. But she also might just be looking for some sort of confidante. I'm not saying that you're too old for her, because no one can ever be too old for love should the circumstances arise. Just be careful. Take this one step at a time. Coz if it's meant to grow, it will grow. Best of luck! I'm really rooting for you.

Answer 8

wait a minute! how old are you??? Because you said a 30 yr age difference sooo that would make you either 4 or 64 yrs old!!!!!! so which is it?!!! But either way it's a NO!! that's tooo much of an age diff.

Answer 9

I'ma 46 yearold guy living with my 21 year old girlfriend. It works for us!! Nothing ventured nothing gained. Give it a go.

Answer 10

My question exactly like this was deleted by YA



I think if you have chemistry, something in common, some mutual interests age shouldn't be a factor.