Marriage advice please - what would you do? Lying, emotional affairs, etc...?

Question

To make a long story short, my husband has a history of lying and emotional affairs.

We dated for only a few months and right before we got married (about 2 years ago), he "came out" with many things he had been lying about in his past. He has been to a ton of counseling because of these problems. I believe he would not cheat on me and he has changed for the better.

The problem is, he still cannot be honest with me about issues with other women. For example, if he noticed an attractive woman on the street, he would swear up and down he saw no one.

I believe relationships work only if based in honesty.
My feeling is he needs to be totally honest with me. I will be totally honest with him, as I have nothing to hide.

My feeling is if he can't talk openly about other women, what am I headed for? I am concerned about what else will he hide that is similar to his past emotional affairs, etc?

Opinions much appreciated!

Centurion - Thats a very good point. I do say over and over I'm cool with his being attracted to anyone (I really am, it's part of life) it's just important to me he is respectful and doesn't show his feelings of attraction to others. And Cucumber, thank you too, I am praying!

Everyone, I really appreciate the input and advice. Nancy, I hear what you are saying but the problem is not that he looks at woman or I look at men, that's normal.

It's that he hides it, along with many other things. I am very open about things and I don't have a need for secrets, I'm concerned about his need to "conceal".

Thanks for helping me look at this in new ways. I do believe emotional affairs are unhealthy and destructive.

I think if I give more details it may help, this issue is about honesty and not his attractions to anyone else, sorry if I didn't make that clear. It's about honesty in all areas of life. I used that example because he has told outrageous lies to hide his behaviors in the past with women, and that's a particularly painful area.

Here's some important background, when he first came out with all of his lies before we were married, he concocted stories of himself being concerned he had sexual predator tendencies to cover up the emotional affairs and innappropriateness with other women. He made his behavior sound extreme so I would pity and help him, rather than leave him. Sound bizarre? That's how I felt as this all came out.

My husband repeatedly disregards my need for openness and honesty no matter how important it is to me. What is marriage without honesty & trust?

Answer 1

Maybe he says he doesn't notice so he will not make you jealous or hurt your feelings. he probably feels like he has hurt you enough in the past and does not want to do that anymore.

Answer 2

If he is going through counseling, then back off and give the guy some room. I am sure the sessions are going to take a while, and are you included in them? You should be at some point, after all, once he has gone through several months, the wife is usually included, check that out.

He doesn't need to talk openly about other women if he is married to you and you are positive he is not cheating. What is in the past is in the past, don't ask, it has little value on your marriage.
And, looking at other women in the street . . . . stop and think what you are saying. Most men look at other women. It doesn't mean they are having an affair with them. My husband looks at other women all the time, yet we have been married for over 30 years. I would think he were dead if he didn't admire women, and I am included in that comment! I look at men that are handsome or attractive. I admire their good looks. Period.

You can maintain an honest relationship from the time you said I do, which does not include whether he lied about his past escapades, it does not matter. You have each other. Let him continue his counseling and go with him.

Answer 3

Well if you believe he would not cheat on you then why worry if he notices an attractive woman. the world is full of attractive people and we as women see attractive men but that doesn't mean that we are gonna have an affair mentally or phsically it just means that there are all kinds of people in the world and we woudn't be human if we did not look. My friend told me once that she did not care where her husband got his dinner as long as he got his dessert at home. maybe he feels that he can't talk openly because he is scared you will get mad. it shouldnt be such an issue however kow how you feel because the same thing happened to me with my husband, he was having conversations with women sexually on the internet and I found out two months after we were married it was hard but I forgave him only because i believe he was truly feeling badly about what he had done I could see and feel his remorse. I almos divorced him for it and I'am glad I didn't. you have to forgive your husband truly and if you can't then you ask god to help you forgive him and then your problem will go away. good luck and hope it helped.

Answer 4

If he feels that you are trying to hold him to your standard, he's bound to fail. If he knows he's going to fail, then he'll ensure that he does. It's time to lighten up and sort of start over. Both of you are just human, neither one better than the other, just different. If you can't deal with him on that level, then even if you are right or better, success probably won't happen for your relationship. Half of all women are attractive enough, but I'm not going to be overly honest about saying 'yeah, I'd do her', right? I'll just have some respect for myself and others by keeping my thoughts to myself, unless I decide I want to act upon them. You'll need to decide if you can be happy with this guy and whether you are truly compatible? If not, then you won't be able to change him, so maybe is was just a mistake and it's time to face the facts so you can move on and enjoy life.

Answer 5

I sympathize with you, because it seems as though you have been through a lot with this man. I will say that it doesn't seem that he wants to open up to you. You can't have a marriage built on lies. I would say that when a man cant be honest about his feelings and is so emotionally un-available to his wife, I think it would be hard for him to change, I think you need to decide how much are you willing to sacrifice of yourself and life for this man. Do you love him so much that you are willing to deal with this situation or are you fed up enough to ask for an intervention or a trial separation to decide what you want to do. I think you need to be honest and true to what you want from your husband and what you will do to make this happen. Sometimes it does take a separation to see the whole picture clearly. I realize you are newly married, but there should never be these lies and deception in a marriage. Marriage is until death do we part, is he your soul mate. All these are things to think about while you talk to him. Take care of yourself and have peace of mind.

Answer 6

You can buy software that secretly records every key stroke on your computer, so you could do that to see if he is sending her emails under a new email account that he may have made. You can also hire a PI like on that show "cheaters" to see what's going on. You are not being overly jealous. I have had the same problem in the past...except mine was a lot worse. His ex came back after years and he left me for her. He eventually returned bc she kicked him to the curb for someone else. But I found emails he had written to others about how much he misses it and how bad she hurt him yada yada...I know I was his second choice..and I assume that is how you feel..A woman told me that if I took my man back that I would never be happy. Even though I wanted him more than anything, I have not been happy since. It is quite difficult to know that someone else is in your lover's heart. It's your choice if you want to live with that pain...or you could drop him and the pain will only last a little while instead of forever. Good Luck

Answer 7

I think all men notice attractive women. Maybe he's just afraid of losing you sit him down and have a nice long talk if there is a problem you should be able to tell by his reactions. Just be honest about how you feel. Just because he had problems before doesn't mean he still does. Give him a chance to explain his feelings. Hope this helps. Prayers are with you.

Answer 8

I think you might be looking too hard for a problem. We all notice attractive people, but not everyone likes to hear that their partner finds someone else attractive. Couldn't it be that he's just trying to be respectful and doesn't want to hurt your feelings... or make you jealous, since you already seem to be?

And what is it with all these "emotional affairs" questions lately? I'm so tired of hearing the term. An affair,... by definition... is sexual relations with someone other than your spouse. Talking, laughing, confiding, enjoying someone's company.... without engaging in sex.... THAT is friendship people.... plain and simple.

Answer 9

Do you still sincerely love him and care about him??
Youve listed what you dislike about him (his habit of lying and emotional affairs),how about list down what you love most about him?

Ask yourself if its all worth going thru and a second chance.
Dont lie coz this is for your own good.

It takes a lot of patience and sensible reasons to wait around for someone to change. Love is not enough. How much more pain can you take as a woman??

You cant help him when you yourself are in a lot of doubts for the relationship. Honesty is part of nature and point of view, is not ordered over night and you get it.

Two years of unstability is not worth your sacrifice for what youve bargained for the rest of your life.

Answer 10

I believer you are of the opinion that a marriage must have trust and respect and you are not finding that in your hubby. I think the lying about the other women while not normal can be understood, and if you get some counselling it may help best of luck

Answer 11

You are in a very hard place. I had an b/f once who was very like your husband. He could never be honest about somethings. I'm not sure why. I don't know what the answer is for you. I do wish you the best of luck!