When spouse is chronically ill?

Question

My life is a mess. My husband is ill and has been for 10 of our 11 years of marriage. We haven't had physical intimacy in many years. He has been unable to work for years, so I am responsible for the family income. All I have is a grouchy roommate and endless caregiving tasks. He does not take care of his health, is grossly overweight, and has a mean streak.

I have children from previous relationship that he has adopted. If I were to leave my teenage daughter wants to stay with him. In essense she would become his caregiver and I would be the bad gal for leaving him. Also, I would be totally wiped out financially - the courts would give him everything and I would probably have to pay alimony. In truth, it would really mess him up financially too. On top of that he would lose medical insurance coverage that he gets through my work.

What the heck is one supposed to do in this situation???

To respond to a couple of answers

Do I still love him? Sort of...more like a family member than a spouse

Lover on the side? Got one already. Marriage has been officially open for a long time now. No, it's not ideal, but it has saved my sanity up to now. My lover is a good man who supports my caregiving role and truly cares about me.

Can he care for a child? Heck, he can't even care for himself. However daughter is 16 and quite capable and independent. She and I already divide caregiving tasks, so she knows the score.

Counciling? Have done it... got a great referral for someone who specializes in illness and family dynamics. It helped a lot, but the situation is what it is.

Will he get better? Nope, just worse until he dies. He actually kind of surprised to still be here.

I have tried everything I know how to do. Somedays I am OK, somedays I am just really really tired of it all. Today is one of the tired days.

Answer 1

Maybe find intimacy through a private relationship outside the marriage. If might just make all the rest of this seem a bit more tolerable. Where betrayal might be to dump him, it may rationalize the correctness of your actions to remain with him, even if it means that to do so also means keeping your own little secret. Without judgment, you'll have to decide what you are comfortable with, but I can't see this going on indefinitely as it is.

Answer 2

There isn't really a clear cut solution to your problem. From your daughter's perspective I have gone through the same issue only it was my father who left my chronically ill mother.
Basically all of the negative things you have mentioned would in fact happen, along with all sorts of other issues the are unforseeable. But no one can tell you how to proceed.
What can you do? It seems overly simple but write a pro/con list. Weigh your options. Even if all the "cons" outweigh the "pros" and you still instinctually want to leave, you have already made your decision in your heart. If you do not love him anymore or do not see it getting better in the future then the decision is made for you.
I just request that you try counselling first by yourself and then maybe eventually with him. If all options run out and you must leave, from my own experience please be honest with your family and do not plain abandom them. There are many websites on how to break the news that I won't go into here, but seeking professional help first is the best way to go. A counsellor, therapist, etc would also have many resources to help you proceed.

ps- I also just read someone telling you to find a lover on the internet- trust me it would catch up with you eventually and your children would never forgive you! My father cheated and is now paying the consequences emotionally and financially. Make it easier on yourself in the long run by waiting for separation first!

Answer 3

What's wrong with him? Is there any hope he'll get better or recover? That's a difficult situation. You don't want to burden your daughter the same way you've been burdened, but how can you put up with it for an indefinite period of time?

Can he get out of the house? Is counseling possible? Can you find an outlet and some time away that allows you to feel like a person separate from him? Try to find an outside interest of a group of similar people that are going through the same thing, or maybe someone who has no connection to that.

Maybe if you don't want to stay married to him you could have a consult with an attorney just to see where you stand.

Answer 4

I was in much the same situation...I certainly feel for you, my friend.

I can only share what I did. I left, walked away from a home, rental properties, two businesses, 3 cars and 3 trucks...all paid for. I had to take care of ME for a change.

Yes, I'm the bad one, but I'm happier and more emotionally stable that I have been for twelve years.

About the child, if he's not able to care for himself, how does he expect to care for a kid. Turn more of the caregiving over to the daughter, let her see what it's like day in and day out. She'll change her mind about wanting to stay with him if you should decide to make a move.

It could be that if you could delegate more of the burdens, you would be able to work things out with him. I had no one to delegate to.

I wish you the very best...the answer has to come from you...we really can't help you much in this forum, but know that there are others out here who really DO feel your pain....

Answer 5

You're not really living. Somehow down the road, your life went onto this warped path. They say marriage is for better or worse but you've gotten the shortest end of the stick. I would divorce and move on. You need to be happy and make the most of your life and in this situation that's not happening. It sounds like your husband COULD potentially help himself, but he seems to like being waited on hand and foot. Get out of there! And insist your daughter come with you - an adopted father isn't a real father. He shouldn't get any ailmony payments for a daughter who is not biologically his.

Answer 6

When your marriage is reduced to assets and debits.....well need I say more? You have had a very hard road with this man that doesn't appreciate you. My heart breaks for you and your situation. Your daughter needs to make her own decisions; as hard as that may be. You need to talk to a professional and get some ideas on how to handle the stress of your life, and get a free consultation with a lawyer. Make a list of your questions at the first appointment, so you have good advice to use in the future.

Answer 7

i could have wrote this question myself, i am in the same boat as you. reading your respoudes people are not understanding our spouses are not going to get better only worse. i really feel for you, if i couldn't get out to work i think i would lose my mind. i will be following your answers with interest and good luck whatever you deside, i know i have to go while there is still part of me left this will be soon i hope, i plan on putting him in a long term nursing home. i have thought of someone on the side but just haven't done it. i guess thats just not me again good luck and try to give yourself a break for gods sake these people have no idea how miserable our lives have become.

Answer 8

I am sorry , bur I really don't know what you should do . If your daughter want to stay with it is probably that he is not all bad , maybe you should org anise one weekly regular evening for yourself and find yourself a good lover ! Look on the Net , many men are in the same situation that you are........... Find a man that will give you what you are missing now ......plenty of SEX and your weeks will pass quicker , you will have something to look for every weeks & you will be happy.
Please keep it a secret...O/K?

Answer 9

The information you give is not detailed enough to give a perfect answer to.There are questians I would ask you like :Are there things he could do for himself that he doesn't just because he knows you will or because you feel its easier to do them for him then hear him complain?Who fixes his meals?Does he at lest try to help himself or just feel sorry for himself?
If he can do some things for himself but doen't then start letting him do them even if it means a bit of anger on his part he needs to be as self reliant as possible both for his own satisfaction and for a little relief for you.And if it's a little difficult but still within his abilities then he can still do it and needs to try the effert is exercise he needs.whoever fixes his meals and takes them to him can help him with the weight by refuses to bring him the things that are helping him gain the weight just tell him if you want something other than what I have fixed you know where the kitchen is.And if he already fixes his own meals then who ever does the grocery shopping can make sure he has nothing except healthy choices to choose from.Sounds cruel I know but if you still love him at all you need to try to help him in ways other than catering to his every whim.Go healthy and hearty on him. As for the mean streak well theres one I don't have a answer to Tell him how you feel be completely and Brutely honest with him maybe if he realizes hes fixing to be alone with his illness and bad attitude he'll change that attitude.I'm not telling you to stay with him I'm just giving you a few ideas on trying to help him help himself before you make your decision.It sounds like a difficult and trying life you live and I don't know many people who would have hung in there as long as you have.You have my upmost respect and admiration for trying so hard to live up to your marriage vows.But remember you deserve the same in return.He can't help his illness but he can deside how to deal with it ;With resentment and anger or by looking it dead on and making the best of it.

Answer 10

This is a tough one. Have you talked to a lawyer to find out what would happened if you divorced? Cant he draw on social security or dissability to help with his dr bills and etc if you were to divorce him? You are obviously unhappy and we all understand why but there has gotten to be a way where you can get out of this mess without feeling guilty. You need to talk to a professional about this I am sorry I am not much help on this one but I hope that have a happy ending and can get on with your life without all this chaos.